July 11, 2000 All the Bull That’s Sh– to Print Edition: #1843
TONIGHT Major League Baseball’s “All-Star Game” will be played in Atlanta, so here’s a look at some . . .
BS PLAYER EXCUSES FOR NOT MAKING THE ALL-STAR TEAM:
• Rehab center won’t allow a day pass.
• Needed some time off from the crushing, day-to-day grind of standing around, spitting tobacco and adjusting cup.
• Boy, you get caught selling one little kilo of coke . . .
• Desperately needed in minors.
• Would have made it if they’d make it legal to cork your pants.
• Still no statistic for scoring AFTER the game.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT “Hair Y2K”, an updated version of the ‘68 flower-power musical “Hair”, has its world premiere at Theatre Cambrian in Sudbury ON (now there’s an idea whose time has come — and long gone) . . . Buzz is Christopher Noth (‘Mr Big’-“Sex and The City”, ex-“Law & Order”) may be ‘Dana Scully’s’ new partner next season on FOX-TV’s “The X-Files” when David Duchovny ditches . . . ‘N Sync is selling marionette versions of each member on the band’s Website http://www.nsync.com (at this point they could sell ‘N Sync dirt) . . . Britney Spears tells the Brit press she’d like to marry Prince William and plans to invite him to a concert . . . Game show bride Darva Conger is auctioning off the 3.37-carat wedding ring and 2000 Isuzu Trooper she won on “Who Wants to Marry A Multi-Millionaire?” through SUNDAY at http://www.BuyBidWin.com (oh yeah, but she’s STILL tired of the limelight).
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
“The Hurricane” stars Denzel Washington in his Oscar-nominated role as Rubin “Hurricane” Carter, the real-life boxer wrongly imprisoned for murder . . . In the teen romance “Down to You”, Freddie Prinze Jr plays a young man who wins and loses the first serious love of his life . . . The family fare “My Dog Skip” is the story of a shy boy who grows up in 1940s Mississippi with the help of his beloved pooch . . . And there are new interactive DVD re-releases of “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” and a 25th anniversary special edition of Steven Spielberg’s “Jaws” (to expensively update your collection just before they bring out some other new form of video technology).
YOU MEAN THERE IS NO ‘ARGO BLUE’?
An ad campaign for ‘men’s lipstick’ on buses and streetcars in Toronto has been revealed as a fake. The ads for ‘Shades For Men’, showed close-up photos of men wearing deep purple or lime green lipstick. Turns out the whole product idea was made up by agency TDI Canada to gauge the effectiveness of transit ads by measuring public reaction. (Damn, how do I get my money back?)
NET: http://www.shadesformen.com
REYKJAVIK, SEX CAPITAL OF WORLD:
A revealing new sex survey say chilly Iceland has the world’s hottest women. Why? Well, as one local puts it,”There’s nothing much to do up here in the dead of winter.” Icelandic girls lose their virginity at an average age of 16, while Greek and Portuguese girls wait the longest for sex — until they’re 19 on average. (And interestingly, the study shows that in [local seedy town], the average girl loses her virginity twice a week!)
THE BULL SHEET 07.11.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [66] Giorgio Armani, Placenza ITA, fashion designer (Armani suits)
1945 [55] Deborah Harry, Miami FL, classic rock singer (Blondie -“Maria”, “Tide is High”)/movie actress (“Cop Land”, “Videodrome”)
1950 [50] Liona Boyd, born London ENG, raised in Canada, ’The First Lady of the Guitar’/classical guitarist (“Persona”, “Dancing on the Edge”)
1959 [41] Richie Sambora, Passaic NJ, rock guitarist (Bon Jovi-“You Give Love a Bad Name”)/Mr Heather Locklear
1963 [37] Al MacInnis, Inverness NS, NHL All-Star defenceman (St Louis Blues)
1975 [25] Lil’ Kim, Brooklyn NY, rap/hip hop artist (w/Puff Daddy-“No Time”) noted for her skimpy outfits on awards shows
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Cheer Up The Lonely Day”, a good day to give [your co-host] a call.
TODAY is “World Population Day”, declared by the UN as a day to focus on the problems of overpopulation. About 150 people are born each minute or close to 1/4-million people daily. World population crossed the 5-billion mark in 1987 and the 6-billion mark last year.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
1999 [01] Gross-out comedy “American Pie” tops movie box office
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1088 [912] 1st clock is built (resulting in the 1st person being ‘late’ for anything)
1964 [36] 1st ‘7-11′ convenience store opens (and the same shelf of Twinkies is still there)
1985 [15] 1st ‘zippers for stitches’ unveiled by surgeon Dr Harlan Stone who uses them on patients that may need additional operations (“Oops, I forgot to take out your spleen. ZIP! There we go.”)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs-July 23] Montréal’s Just for Laughs festival
[Fri-Sun] Antigonish NS Highland Games
National Farriers Week (honoring the people who shoe your horse)
National Baked Beans Month (oops, pardon me)
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
• Cats will come more readily if they’re called by a woman than if they’re called by a man. (True. That’s because felines respond to high-pitched sounds better than low ones.)
• Auto racing is the world’s most dangerous sport. (BS. The most dangerous sport known to man is — fishing. That’s right, not auto racing, not mountain climbing, but fishing. Researchers say that more people are injured or killed fishing than in any other sport because fisherman face the perils of boating accidents, drowning, bee stings and getting stuck by fish hooks. Not to mention alcohol poisoning.)
• Simply standing for 5 hours straight will burn 500 calories. (True. Guess that means you can lose 20 lbs a day waiting in line at Disney World.)
• 1 out of 3 cowboys in the Old West was either Mexican or Black. (True. But the odds of Will Smith making “Wild Wild West 2″ are STILL zilch.)
• To find out if your crop of cranberries is ready for harvest you should squeeze them. (BS, you bounce them! A fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball. But you need little teeny tiny hoops.)
BS TAG LINE: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
