BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Comedian Mary Walsh is creating a pilot for a new CBC-TV comedy entitled “Rise Up”, in which she’ll play aging punk rocker ‘Siouxie Power’ who moves her family from small-town Newfoundland to upscale Toronto after winning the lottery (hijinks ensue) . . . A 28-year-old British fan claims actor Jude Law (“Cold Mountain”) hit her on the head & slapped her face in an unprovoked attack while she was attempting to take his photo coming out of a London club (Law insists it was ‘an accident’ but images captured by paparazzi suggest otherwise) . . . 35-year-old former boy-band singer Nick Lachey is apparently enjoying the single life since his split with Vanessa Minnillo last month as he’s been spotted sneaking out the back door of an LA club with – 5 girls! (c’mon, that’s just piggish!) . . . This weekend Simon Cowell (“American Idol”, “X Factor”) will come face-to-face with 17 ex-girlfriends at a surprise 50th birthday party in London hosted by one of them, Jackie St Claire (the landmark birthday doesn’t actually happen until October 7th) . . . British singer Cheryl Cole (Girls Aloud) has reportedly turned down a $6-million offer to replace Paula Abdul as a judge on “American Idol” (what are the odds this whole Paula leaving thing is just a publicity stunt?) . . . The first single to be released by 48-year-old “Britain’s Got Talent” star Susan Boyle has yet to be officially chosen, although rumor has it that it’ll be a cover of the 1961 classic “Moon River” from the movie “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” (a song as old as she) . . . The publicist for 23-year-old actress Mischa Barton denies he’s trying to use her recent hospitalization in a shrink ward as a sneaky excuse to land her on a magazine cover (he wants a full 10-page spread or forget it) . . . And ‘Gidget the Chihuahua’, star of 1990s Taco Bell TV ads (“Yo quiero Taco Bell”) has died at age 15 at her trainer’s home in Santa Clarita CA (unlike Taco Bell food, he won’t keep coming back).

WEEKEND SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Tonight Darius Rucker (“Learn To Live”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Tonight folk singer Judy Collins.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Tracy Morgan hosts; Kelly Clarkson is the musical guest.
• “Today Show” (NBC) – This morning Katy Perry (“One Of the Boys”).
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Eric Hutchinson (“Sounds Like This”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alan Jackson – Tomorrow he headlines the 2nd annual “AquaPalooza” at Lake Martin in Alabama. Last year’s inaugural event drew 10,000 people … and 2,500 boats.
• Alison Krauss & Robert Plant – They’ve had ‘listening meetings’ about potential material for a follow-up album to their Grammy Award-winning “Raising Sand”, but that’s all so far. Krauss promises the new album will be totally different … as if they hadn’t made the first.
• Amy Winehouse – Her trial for allegedly punching a female fan is scheduled to wrap up today in a London court. The fan, Sherene Flash, apparently had the audacity to ask for a photo.
• Daughtry – Their 2nd album, “Leave This Town”, debuts at #1 on the ‘Billboard 200′ along with the ‘Digital Albums Chart’ and the ‘Rock Chart’.
• Depeche Mode – Tonight the North American leg of their “Tour Of the Universe” kicks off in Toronto. Swedish trio Peter Bjorn & John is the opening act.
• Katy Perry – She’s reveled that she tests her outrageous costumes against ‘wardrobe malfunction’ by skipping backstage before shows.
• Kenny Chesney – Tonight & tomorrow night he headlines the annual “Cheyenne Frontier Days” in Cheyenne WY.
• Nas – TMZ claims he was banned from witnessing this week’s birth of his new baby boy (named Knight) via estranged wife Kelis because … he was drunk.
• Sugarland – Jennifer Nettles is on vocal rest after canceling 2 shows last weekend. She has been dealing with voice problems since January, she says. Quietly.
• Taylor Swift – “Picture to Burn” is one of 65 songs featured on the new videogame, “Band Hero”, a pop-focused spinoff of the “Guitar Hero” series. The new version will be released in the fall.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “The Answer Man” ( R-Rated Romantic Comedy ): Jeff Daniels (“The Squid & The Whale”) & Lauren Graham (“Gilmore Girls”) play the reclusive author of a well-known spiritual guidance book & the sensible chiropractor he falls for. The relationship teaches him some important life lessons as he begins to face the public and his past.
NET: http://www.answermanmovie.com
• “G-Force” ( PG Fantasy Adventure in 3D ): A specially trained squad of guinea pigs is dispatched to stop a diabolical billionaire from taking over the world. Critics say it’s not one of the best pseudo-live-action Disney films, but it will generate laughs and box office. Cast includes Bill Nighy (“Pirates Of the Caribbean: At World’s End”), Will Arnett (“Arrested Development”), and Zach Galifianakis (“The Hangover”).
NET: http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/gforce
• “Orphan” ( R-Rated Horror Thriller ): After they lose their unborn baby, a couple (Vera Farmiga & Peter Sarsgaard) adopt a 9-year-old orphan (Isabelle Fuhrman) as a way to bring some joy into their lives. Oops! It quickly becomes clear they’ve picked the wrong girl. Adoptive parents & foster care organizations are already protesting this one. Shot in Montréal & Toronto.
NET: http://orphan-movie.warnerbros.com
• “Ugly Truth” ( R-Rated Romantic Comedy ): Gerard Butler & Katherine Heigl star as a macho morning TV show correspondent & his love-challenged producer who make a bet. If his tips on how to land a boyfriend don’t work, he’ll quit the business. Surprise! Guess who falls for each other? Soundtrack includes Flo Rida, Katy Perry, and Natasha Bedingfield.
NET: http://www.thetruthisntpretty.com

TERRORISM BY THE NUMBERS:
University of New Mexico statistical researchers Aaron Clauset & Maxwell Young claim that seemingly random acts of violence – including terrorist attacks and wars – actually follow very predictable formulas. The scientists say that outbursts of human violence can be broken down with mathematical laws as dull and predictable as the laws of gravity. Using statistical analysis they’ve now analyzed all terrorist attacks worldwide since 1968 and have concluded the next deadly terrorist attack will occur in 2012. (Well there’s an excuse to party now, no?)
– World-Science.net

ALL DOLLED UP:
Pipedream Products is marketing a line of celebrity-themed blow-up dolls. If you cross your eyes enough they look like Eva Longoria (“Her man’s away and she loves to play!”), Jessica Simpson (“She’ll take you on the ride of your life!”), Lindsay Lohan (“Fully loaded love doll”), and Sarah Jessica Parker (“She loves Big!”). Like their inspirations, they are mostly plastic.
– “Radar Magazine”

REASONS BEING BRUNETTE IS AWESOME:
• Roots are not an issue.
• A recent study reveals brunettes are twice as likely to earn more than $65K a year.
• Brunettes look great in ‘jewel tones’ like bright blue, green, and red.
• Cool-girl beauty icons like Elizabeth Taylor, Katherine Hepburn, Thandie Newton, Mary Louise Parker, and Zooey Deschanel … all brunettes.
• The world’s most famous blondes – Marilyn Monroe, Bridget Bardot, Pamela Anderson, and, uh, Lauren Conrad – would be brunette without hair dye.
• Brunettes tend to have fuller, thicker, shinier hair.
• People tend to take brunettes more seriously because of stereotypes.
• 71% of guys say brunettes would make better wives.
• Brunettes save a ton of money and time not going to the salon for highlights and bleaching.
– TheFrisky.com

FANTASY SPORT COMES DOWN-TO-EARTH:
Thanks to “Harry Potter” books and movies, college ‘Quidditch’ (the broomstick-riding sport) is on the rise. With over 200 colleges expressing interest, ‘Quidditch’ is spreading like wildfire. Similar to soccer, players try to get the ball (‘Quaffle’) into the opposing goal, except they try and do so while riding around on a broomstick just like in the movies … only on the ground. The game even has its own website, where you can access recent news and a history of the sport.
NET: http://collegequidditch.com
– CollegeCandy.com

CUTTING EDGE OF CUTLERY:
British department store chain Debenhams says it sold equal numbers of knives and forks up until 4 years ago, but nowadays it sells about 2 forks for every knife. Why? It seems sales of knives are on the decline because many of us eat the majority of meals with just a fork or, worse still, with our fingers. Observers suggest the trend could result in knives becoming an implement used only on special occasions. (“RSVP. Gala Party. Black Tie. Knives.”)
– “Daily Telegraph”

DID YOU KNOW?
The Egyptian pyramids are now 3 miles south of their original location due to the Earth’s shifting surface.
– DidYouKnow.org

BS CHRONOMETER 07.24.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1968 [41] Kristin Chenoweth, Broken Arrow OK, 4′-11″ TV actress (‘Olive Snook’ in “Pushing Daisies” 2007-09, “The West Wing” 2005-06)/movie actress (“Running With Scissors”, “RV”)/Broadway actress (“ Wicked”)

1969 [40] Jennifer Lopez, Bronx NY, pop singer (“Get Right”, “If You Had My Love”)/movie actress (“Monster-in-Law”, “Out of Sight”)/Mrs Marc Anthony since 2004

1975 [34] Eric Szmanda, Milwaukee WI, TV actor (‘Greg Sanders’ on “CSI” since 2000)

1982 [27] Anna Paquin, Winnipeg MB [raised Wellington, New Zealand], TV actress (‘Sookie Stackhouse’ on “True Blood” since 2008, “Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee”)/movie actress (“X-Men” films, 1994 Academy Award-“The Piano”)

1998 [11] Bindi Irwin, Nambour, Australia, TV personality (“Bindi: The Jungle Girl”)/daughter of late “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin

SATURDAY –
Rock guitarist Thurston Moore (Sonic Youth) is 51; TV actor Matt LeBlanc (“Friends”) is 42; TV actor James Lafferty (“One Tree Hill”) is 24; Model Heather Marks (“Vogue”) is 21.

SUNDAY –
Classic rocker Mick Jagger (Rolling Stones) is 66; Movie actress Helen Mirren (“The Queen”) is 64; Classic rock drummer Roger Taylor (Queen) is 60; Movie actor Kevin Spacey (“21”) is 50;
Movie actress Sandra Bullock (“The Proposal”) is 45; TV actor Jeremy Piven (“Entourage”) is 44; Movie actress Kate Beckinsale (“Click”) is 36; Rock drummer Dan Konopka (OK Go) is 35; Rock guitarist Dave Baksh (Sum 41) is 29.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Collingwood Elvis Festival” through Sunday in Collingwood ON includes street dances, an Elvis parade & swap sessions. It culminates with the ‘Elvis Tribute Artist Competition’.
PHONER: 705.445.1030 x3279 (Media Office)
NET: http://www.collingwoodelvisfestival.com
• “Cousins Day”, to honor all cousins who are living and pay homage to those who aren’t. (Or, as it’s known in [co-host’s] family, ‘Spouses Day’.)
• “Drive-Thru Day”, honoring all businesses that allow you to shop without leaving your vehicle. There are drive-thru banks, coffee shops, fast-food restaurants, florists, ice cream bars, liquor stores, marriage chapels (Las Vegas), and pharmacies. What’s the weirdest drive-thru business you’ve ever seen?
• “Gilroy Garlic Festival”, the 31st annual salute to the ‘stink rose’ through Sunday in Gilroy CA celebrates all things garlic. Last year’s festival attracted over 100,000. Events include ‘The Great Garlic Cook-Off’ and the ‘Miss Gilroy Garlic Pageant’.
NET: http://gilroygarlicfestival.com
• “Tell an Old Joke Day”, a good excuse to open up your phone lines and have listeners tell their best joke … but only if they’re under 5.
• “Tequila Day”, celebrating Mexico’s national booze that’s becoming increasingly popular in other drinks beside margaritas. But we still like it the old fashioned way: a little salt, a slice of lime and … hay carumba!
• “Virtual Love Day”, a day for those who have experienced the ‘excitement, joy, and sorrow’ of an online relationship. (… with a 400-lb truck driver who calls himself ‘HotMama24’.)

SATURDAY –
• “Act Like a Caveman Day”, a day to tune in to your wild and primal instincts. Pass me a thigh bone, would ya?
• “Day Of the Cowboy“, saluting all cowpokes everywhere whether they roam the range or ride the rodeo.
• “Hot Fudge Sundae Day” because … well, why not?

SUNDAY –
• “All or Nothing Day”. This is it, folks – balls to the wall, give ‘er all you’ve got, the time has arrived, take no prisoners, it’s now or never, bring your ‘A’ game and give 110% … and any other hackneyed self-help cliché you can think of.
• “Aunt & Uncle Day”, honoring the special contributions they make to our lives (or maybe Hallmark has just run out of ideas?).
• “Baseball Hall of Fame 2008 Induction” in Cooperstown NY. 51 Hall-of-Famers are scheduled to be on hand to welcome new inductees Rickey Henderson, Jim Rice, and Joe Gordon.
NET: http://www.baseballhalloffame.org
• “Parents’ Day”, celebrated annually on the 4th Sunday of July to salute parents whose devotion strengthens society and forms the foundation for a bright future’. Is there a kid anywhere who’ll actually claim to have parents like this?

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1938 [71] 1st ‘Instant Coffee’ is marketed (Nescafé)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1988 [21] ‘World’s Largest Ice Cream Sundae’ weighs in at 54,914 lbs or 24.9 metric tonnes in Edmonton AB (includes 44,689 lbs of ice cream, 9,688 lbs of syrup, and 537 lbs of topping)

1988 [21] 9-year-old Emma Houlston from Medicine Hat AB lands in Newfoundland to become youngest to fly across Canada

2005 [04] US cyclist Lance Armstrong wins a record 7th consecutive Tour de France (currently attempting to win an 8th title)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] Korean War Veterans Armistice Day
[Mon] Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day
[Mon] Walk on Stilts Day
[Tues] Milk Chocolate Day
This Week Is … Make Someone Smile Week
This Month Is … Horseradish Month

BULL’S BITS

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BS SIGNS MICK JAGGER’S GETTING OLD:
• Enjoys worry-free sex with groupies who have gone through ‘the change of life’.
• New albums are released to coincide with mailing of pension checks to fans.
• Old danger: drug overdose. New danger: slip & fall in shower.
• His new tell-all book: “From Cocaine to Correctol”.
• Bandmates can’t play instruments because pants go all the way up over their heads.
• Fans signal desire for an encore by rapping their canes on the ground.
• Old issue: crowd control. New issue: bladder control.

BS PHONE STARTER:
If you had money to burn, where would you get married?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable …

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average person now does THIS 52 times a day.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Looks at their cellphone.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Success is not permanent. Neither is failure.