Monday, June 30, 2003 Edition: #2573
Monthly Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• Queen Latifah tells “Entertainment Weekly” that being told to strip for the sake of a movie is total BS. Quote – “Maybe I’ll show a little cleave, but I’m not getting naked.” (On behalf of discerning people everywhere we say, ohmygawd, thank you!)
• Big-time spender Elton John has thrown his most lavish party ever. According to “PeopleNews”, the Russian-themed “White Tie & Tiara Ball” was held at his estate in Windsor, England where the 37 acres were transformed into an out-of-season Russian winter wonderland for the night, complete with ice rink and Russian ice skaters, imitation snow and a replica Russian orthodox church. Over $300,000 was spent on flowers and more than $800,000 on vintage champagne. The 500 guests, including models Elle Macpherson & Naomi Campbell, actors Liz Hurley & Michael Caine, and singers Kylie Minogue & Sting were serenaded by Donna Summer & Barry Manilow (hey, you can’t win ‘em all). Total tab for the night – an estimated $16 million!
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid says Coldplay’s shy singer Chris Martin hates being famous. Being engaged to high-profile actress Gwyneth Paltrow can’t help. As Martin sums it up: “I can’t even pick my nose without getting grief.”
• “National Enquirer” says Eminem is furious over ex-wife Kim’s latest bust, this time for cocaine, and wants to end their relationship for good and gain sole custody of their 7-year-old daughter Hailie. (We sense another angst-ridden rap is coming. If it weren’t for his screwed up family he’d have no material.)
• “E! Online” reports that “Magic Stick” singer Lil’ Kim has been reunited with her jewelry a week after it was stolen from her luggage at NYC’s JFK International Airport. The $250,000-worth of bling-bling was found on top of a row of lockers in an airline employee area, but so far no arrests have been made.
• “Daily Dish” says 40-year-old “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” star Demi Moore credits part of her sizzling new look to Hollywood’s hottest new chef, Juliano. He’s become famous for his raw food menus, favored by vegetarian Pam Anderson and vegan Alicia Silverstone among others. Juliano’s raw recipes contain no meat or dairy products. By the way, Demi’s favorite dish is Juliano’s cheeseburger, which features – no cheese and no burger (aka: a bun).
• Courtney Love tells “NY Post” she regrets having her butt downsized by liposuction, saying “I’ve flattened my perfect fat ass.” (Sorry honey, but we’d like a recount on that score.)
• And Bobby Brown blathers to “People” that he and foggy-brained wife Whitney Houston are going to co-star in an upcoming movie as ‘musical gangsters’. And we quote – “We’re going to be singing, robbing, stealing … a lot of things people might not want to see us do … but it’s going to be special.” (Yeah, sounds like it. We’re betting it’ll make like Whitney and not even show up.)
FAMOUS FOOD FLOPS:
Heinz’s Funky Fries, those weird chocolate-flavored and blue-colored fries that just went on the market a year ago are now being yanked out of stores. It seems even kids don’t want chocolate potatoes … and nobody eats stuff that’s blue. Here are some other overly-creative food products that bombed –
• ‘Gerber’s Singles’ adult food in baby food jars.
• ‘Kiss Your Ass Goodbye’ salsa.
• A chocolate snack targeted at women called ‘PMS Crunch’.
• The reformulated ‘New Coke’, followed by the equally dumb, clear-colored ‘Crystal Pepsi’.
• ‘Thirsty Cat’ bottled water for pets.
• Gunderson & Rosario’s ‘Garlic Cake’.
• ‘Maalox Whip’, the dessert topping that controls diarrhea.
(And come to think of it, these never really took off either – ‘Soupcicles’, ‘Pork Tarts’, or ‘Veal Shakes’.)
Sources: CNN/”What Were They Thinking?” by Robert McMath.
FLUSHING NEMO:
“LA Times” reports that local RotoRooter outlets are getting flooded with calls from parents whose kids have given their fish the flush because they think they’re sending them out to sea, just like in the movie “Finding Nemo”. The sad part is, most fish flushed down toilets die of trauma before even reaching the sewer … and none will ever make it out to sea. (Encourage your kids to try something more humane: “Tonight with your french fries, mommy’s ‘Serving Nemo’.”)
WEIRD YET TRUE:
• New Zealander Jeanette Dungan says the response to her appeal for dead mice has been amazing as she’s been flooded with calls from people across the country offering to donate. What could she possibly want them for? Using the skins of the dead rodents, she makes little mouseskin rugs for the miniature houses that she builds. (With the leftovers, she fashions toupees for Ken dolls.)
• An Indonesian man has been sentenced to 5 years in the slammer for digging up the day-old
corpse of his 80-year-old neighbor – and eating her. The cannibal told cops he believed eating the woman would give him supernatural powers. (The ability to make headlines?)
• 20-year-old Kathrin Mueller of Sangerhasuen, Germany tells “Bild” newspaper she wants to be buried in her tanning bed. She says she already uses it at least 3 times a week, so it’s only fitting she be buried in it. Hey, keep it up and you’ll get your wish sooner than you think! (Turn it up to full power and save money at the crematorium.)
• Last year a diamond ring was stolen from Maria Reilly’s Pontiac MI home when a carpet cleaner swallowed it on purpose. You may have heard that story. What you might not have heard is that the ring was recovered after working it’s way through the thief’s digestive system and now that it’s no longer needed as evidence it’s being returned to its owner. She’ll still wear it Reilly says, but adds: “I’m just not going to think of where it’s been.”
BS AMAZING FACT:
According to a study by U-Haul, the average person relocates 11 times over the course of their lifetime. (And you thought only radio people were gypsies!)
THE BULL SHEET 06.30.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1966 [37] Mike Tyson, Brooklyn NY, ex-con/ex-world heavyweight boxing champion who’s had almost as many fights out of the ring as in
1975 [28] Ralf Schumacher, Kerpen GER, Formula One racer/brother of perpetual F-1 winner Michael Schumacher (the kid mom always liked best)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY the Bureau International de l’Heure in Paris, France will make a “Leap Second Adjustment” to co-ordinate world atomic time with astronomical time. They’ll add a whole second. (Wow, this day’s gonna seem reaaaal long!)
TOMORROW is “International Joke Day”, celebrating humor from around-the-world. It’s a good day to have listeners call in jokes in other languages. It’s most effective if you don’t ask them to translate, just laugh uncontrollably.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1838 [165] 1st ‘casters’ for furniture (next day, the 1st ‘office chair races’ are held)
1859 [144] 1st to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope (French daredevil Emile Blondin)
1953 [50] 1st ‘Corvette’ rolls off assembly line (purchased by some guy nicknamed ‘Stubby’)
1994 [09] 1st wedding via video-conference telephone
BS MONTHLY PLANNING CALENDAR . . .
[July 1] Canada Day / International Joke Day / Build a Scarecrow Day / Financial Freedom Day / Frozen Yogurt Day
[July 2] Halfway Point of the Year (International Hump Day)
[July 3] Compliment Your Mirror Day / Dog Days of Summer Begin / Stay Out of the Sun Day
[July 4] Independence Day (USA) / National Country Music Day / Sidewalk Egg Frying Day
[July 5] Workaholics Day
[July 6] Fried Chicken Day / Running of the Bulls begins (Pamplona SPA)
[July 7] Carricom Day (aka Caribbean Day) / Father-Daughter Take a Walk Together Day
[July 8] Video Games Day / “American Idol” summer tour begins (St Paul MN)
[July 9] Air Conditioning Appreciation Days / Intern Appreciation Day
[July 10-20] Just For Laughs comedy festival (Montréal)
[July 11] Cheer Up the Lonely Day / Pet Photo Day / UN World Population Day
[July 12] Swimming Pool Day / Pecan Pie Day / Town Criers Day / Orangemen’s Day
[July 13] Gruntled Workers Day / Barn Day
[July 15] 74th Major League Baseball All-Star Game / Respect Canada Day
[July 18] Cow Appreciation Day / Stick Out Your Tongue Day
[July 20] Moon Day / Chess Day / National Lollipop Day / Special Olympics Day / National Ice Cream Day
[July 21] Junk Food Day
[July 22] Rat Watcher’s Day
[July 23] Hot Enough For Ya? Day
[July 24] Cousins Day / Virtual Love Day
[July 26] All or Nothing Day / Aunt & Uncle Day / Mick Jagger turns 60
[July 27] Parents Day / Take Your Houseplants For a Walk Day / 2003 Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony / Pile of Bones Picnic (Regina SK)
[July 28] Parent’s Day / Accountants Day
[July 29] National Lasagna Day
[July 30] National Cheesecake Day / Rolling Stones SARS Concert (Toronto)
BULL’S BITS . . .
HOW TO SURVIVE MONDAYS WITHOUT KILLING SOMEONE:
Florida psychologist Dr Robert Butterworth offers the following to help take some of the stress out of the day and start the work week feeling good –
• Try to wrap up projects on Friday so you won’t worry about unfinished work all weekend.
• Take a look at how you spend your weekend. If you’re exhausted after 2 days off, schedule more leisure time for Saturday and Sunday.
• Don’t stay out late Sunday night and avoid heavy, fatty foods. Research shows heart attacks frequently occur after eating like this and many heart attacks happen Monday mornings.
• Eat breakfast Monday morning. If you don’t have an energizing meal your blood sugar will be so low by mid-morning that you’ll just be dragging your feet.
• Allow extra time to get ready Monday mornings. Arriving late will add to your stress and get you off on the wrong foot.
• Don’t over-schedule Mondays. Spread your workload throughout the week. Plan as few chores as possible for Monday nights. Use the time to unwind instead. Line up a pleasant social activity for Mondays.
Source: Condensed from “Weekly World News”.
THE GREAT BS CANADA DAY QUIZ:
• Whose portrait appears on the $1000 bill?
a. Queen Elizabeth II. [CORRECT]
b. John A MacDonald.
c. The Canadian Tire Scotsman.
• What are the Canadian version of the Oscars called?
a. The Junos.
b. The Genies. [CORRECT]
c. The Gypsies.
• Which 2 animals appear on the Canadian coat of arms?
a. A beaver & a moose.
b. A lion & a unicorn. [CORRECT]
c. A cod & a seal pup.
• When is “Flag Day” in Canada?
a. February 15th. [CORRECT]
b. July 1st.
c. February 30th.
• Canadians Chris Haney & Scott Abbott have made millions with which invention?
a. “Trivial Pursuit”. [CORRECT]
b. The DVD player.
c. Jumper cables.
• Which of the following is NOT a Canadian mountain range?
a. The Cascades.
b. The Adirondacks. [CORRECT]
c. Pam Anderson.
• Which is Canada’s oldest university, founded in 1789?
a. McGill University in Montréal.
b. Miami of Manitoba University.
c. King’s College in Windsor NS. [CORRECT]
• The last Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup is …
a. Calgary Flames.
b. Montréal Canadians. [CORRECT]
c. Dead.
• What is the official motto of the RCMP?
a. ‘We Always Get Our Man’
b. ‘Uphold the Right’ [CORRECT]
c. ‘We Don’t Screw Up Like CSIS’
• Which city established the first zoo in Canada?
a. Halifax. [CORRECT]
b. Hamilton.
c. San Diego.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a BBQ poll, hamburgers are the #1 thing that Canadians love to grill. What’s last on the list?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Artichokes.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Being in touch with reality is cool, as long as you don’t have to live there.
USED USA
FATTEST US CITIES 2003:
1. Houston TX
2. Chicago IL
3. Detroit MI
4. Philadelphia PA
5. St Louis MO
Source: “Men’s Fitness”
BS MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
A man is found dead in a hotel room surrounded by 53 bicycles. What happened? [Bicycles are a brand of playing card and there are normally 52 cards in a deck. The other players likely shot him for cheating.]
BS TRIVIA:
Q: You just booked an airline ticket to ‘Xianggang’ [ZHANG-gang]. Were the heck are you going?
A: To what we used to call ‘Hong Kong’. 6 years ago TODAY (1997) it was returned to Chinese control after 156 years as a British colony.
BS BLATANT JOKE:
Researchers at Melbourne University say that taking a power nap for an hour at 2 in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say by the time you wake up you’ll feel so good, you’ll be able to start looking for a new job.