Monday, June 17, 2002 Edition: #2320
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!
BS TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• “Sun” claims actor Russell Crowe is getting more arrogant by the day. He apparently blew a gasket on the Mexican set of his latest film “Master and Commander” because he didn’t like the hairdresser. Now he’s insisting his own Australian hairdresser be regularly flown in 1st-class from Sydney, costing the production over $150,000. The rumor is his hairdresser is extra important to him because he has started to go grey.
• 37-year-old multi-millionaire playboy producer Steve Bing flew into London LAST WEEK to secretly take a DNA test to definitively prove whether or not he is the father of actress Elizabeth Hurley’s baby. “News of the World” says the bickering duo should get the test results by the end of the month.
• 67% of Germans polled by the tabloid “Bild” are against their soccer team having sex during the World Cup. (Especially during games.)
• If you believe “News of the World”, Eminem is STILL dating Mariah Carey in a secret affair that has now been going on for 4 months. Seems they’ve been on a string of secret dates in Los Angeles and now Mariah has flown to Em’s hometown, Detroit. (You know, somehow these two deserve each other.)
• Where do you go for a honeymoon if you’re Paul McCartney and money is no object? “Sun” says Sir Paul & new wife Heather are now at an ultra-luxurious resort in the Seychelles, in the Indian Ocean off the east coast of Africa. And to ensure their privacy, he’s booked the entire island of Cousine! “National Enquirer” says before the nuptials took place, bridegroom Paul presented new wife Heather with a $29-million pre-nup agreement. And she signed.
• “Star” reports that Madonna gets naked with 3 other people when hubby Guy Ritchie isn’t around. But he has no reason to worry — she goes to a London spa 3 times a week for a massage and has 2 guys and a woman work on her buff bod for an hour each session. According to ”PeopleNews”, Madonna’s cameo in the upcoming ‘James Bond’ film “Die Another Day” is a scene where she kisses ‘Jinx’, played by Halle Berry.
• Yes, it happened – Mick Jagger has been awarded a knighthood by Queen Elizabeth ‘for services to popular music’, according to the list of honors published SATURDAY. (He’s been servicing more women than music lately.)
• And here’s the real news headlines this week, according to “Weekly World News” – “Damn It! Cursing Is Good For You!”, “Jesus’ Last Will Found!”, and this shocker, “Adoption Agency Sells Shaved Apes as Human Babies!”
EVERYBODY HAS A PRICE:
• 46% of people surveyed will walk right by a penny on the street.
• 25% would sell their best friend’s deepest secret for $3,000.
• 59% would shave their heads for $10,000.
• 22% would fight a heavyweight boxer for $100,000.
• For $1 million, 60% would take the rap for somebody else and serve 6 months in jail.
• For $10 million, 25% would abandon all their friends and 7% would commit murder.
Source: “Are You Normal About Money” by Bernice Kanner
WHY MEN CAN’T DANCE:
Scientists say an inability to dance may be because of a lack of development in the brain. They say professional dancers seem to have better development of the cerebellum. Until now, this part of the brain was most commonly associated with learning to walk and run. University of Minnesota researchers have found improved activity in the cerebellum in people who practise dance steps that are new to them. (Just my luck, I have two left cerebellums.)
JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE:
A Thai man has killed his wife after they argued over the TV remote control during a World Cup game. The suspect says his wife had been nagging him about his laziness ever since the World Cup began 2 weeks ago, but what really ticked him off was when she snatched the TV remote away from him in the middle of a game and switched to a soap opera. (When buying a TV be sure to get ‘picture-in-picture’ – it can save your life!)
OLD FART SYNDROME:
Here’s a medical condition you’ve probably never heard of — ‘boomeritis’. “Madison Magazine” says doctors are using the catch-all term for a range of injuries now being suffered by baby boomers who are hurting themselves while trying to stay active. There are increasing numbers of sprains, strains, tears and breaks being suffered by older athletes who aren’t playing their age. Studies find the most risky sports for aging bodies include biking, basketball, running, and skiing. ([Newscaster] got a hernia playing checkers.)
GANG MATH:
A Thompson, Manitoba teacher has been relieved of classroom duties and suspended for 3 days without pay for handing out a math exam that included questions about pimps, hookers, guns, drug trafficking and getting ‘knocked up’. The math proficiency test included questions like —
• “Rufus is a pimp for 3 girls. If the price is $65 per trick, how many tricks per day must each girl turn to support Rufus’ $800-per-day crack habit?”
• “Hector knocked up 3 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of the girls in the gang that Hector knocked up?”
• “Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?”
The test was apparently modeled after the tongue-in-cheek ‘City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam’ that’s widely distributed on the Internet.
NET: http://www.uni-karlsruhe.de/~ujee/lamath.htm
CYBER-SEX HALTS ENTIRE COUNTRY:
A 3-month investigation in Chile has found that a civil servant’s addiction to online porn caused all of the government’s computers to crash. It’s estimated the unnamed civil servant in the mining ministry’s legal department spent up to 7 hours a day surfing porn sites. His massive downloads caused the computer failure which lasted 2 days. During that time the government effectively ground to a halt. (A civil servant that actually does something 7 hours a day? Give him a citation!)
COUNTING STROKES:
Over the weekend cops raided a private golf tournament at the Hidden Valley Golf Club in Norco CA and found hookers in tents on the course, servicing players. About 100 male golfers and several women were questioned. 6 people were arrested. (“Hi honey, I’ll be a little late coming home from golf. I’m still on the 9th ho.”)
HOLY LONG LIFE:
New research published in the “Journal of Religion and Health” finds that religious professionals live longer than other people and suffer far less disease, including heart disease and cancer. Based on standardized mortality rates of the clergy compared to others of the same age, sex, and race, Baptist ministers, Lutheran ministers, Episcopal priests, Presbyterian ministers and Catholic nuns have mortality rates at least 25% lower than the general population. Benedictine monks have a mortality rate almost half that of others. How come? Experts say the reason for their longevity may be diet, along with low levels of occupational stress. (Plus, as we now know, a busy sex life.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
As many as 950,000 of us will drink Coca-Cola for breakfast this morning. (It’s best on Corn Flakes.)
THE BULL SHEET 06.17.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [56] Barry Manilow (Pincus), Brooklyn NY, schlocky singer (“Copacabana”, Grammy Award-“I Write the Songs”)
1963 [39] Greg Kinnear, Logansport IN, film actor (“We Were Soldiers”, “You’ve Got Mail”, “As Good As It Gets”)
1980 [22] Venus Williams, Lynwood CA, world’s #1-ranked pro tennis player who has the fastest recorded serve in WTA history @ 127 mph/sister of #2-ranked player Serena Williams (gossip is their father Richard decides which gets to win when they go head-to-head, so because Serena beat Venus in the French Open it’s Venus’ turn at Wimbledon, beginning a week from today)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Eat Your Vegetables Day”, an observance likely begun by somebody’s mom somewhere. What’s the absolute worse-tasting veggie – Broccoli? Brussels sprouts? Cabbage? Parsnips?
THIS WEEK is “National Public Service Week” in Canada, to recognize ‘the many ways in which the members of Canada’s federal public service contribute to the quality of life we enjoy’. (Hahahaha….oh, sorry.)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1972 [30] Watergate Democratic Headquarters broken into in Washington DC, eventually leading to the resignation of US President Richard M Nixon
1994 [08] OJ Simpson flees in famous slow-moving white Bronco chase as millions watch live on TV
1997 [05] NHL Expansion Committee recommends addition of 4 new teams — Nashville, Atlanta, St Paul MN and Columbus OH by 2000
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1946 [56] 1st ‘mobile telephone service’ (St Louis)
1950 [52] 1st ‘kidney transplant’ (Chicago)
1994 [08] 1st ‘World Cup’ of soccer in the USA opens (Chicago)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1871 [131] 7′-5 ½” Anne Swan of Nova Scotia weds 7′-2 ½” Martin Buren of Kentucky to become ‘world’s tallest couple’ (she calls him ‘the little guy’)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Paul McCartney turns 60
[Wed] World Sauntering Day
[Fri] 1st Day of Summer
[Fri] Canadian Aboriginal Day
[Fri] Take Your Dog to Work Day
Amateur Radio Week
Dairy Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WORST FATHER’S DAY CARDS RECEIVED YESTERDAY:
• “Dear Dad, thanks for teaching me what to say when I hit my thumb with the hammer.”
• “I know I started out in a petri dish because of your problem, but please don’t blame yourself for my infatuation with microscopes.”
• “Happy Father’s Day! If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have grown up wanting to dress like Mom.”
• “Dear Pops, no one can watch 4 sports at the same time like you can.”
• “Happy Father’s Day, thanks for delaying the vasectomy until after I was born.”
• “You must be good for something, despite what Mom says.”
• “Because of you Dad, I think of home whenever I hear a belch.”
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Should married couples work together in the same office?” (In an employment agency poll, 65% of managers say they are AGAINST married couples working together.)
• “TOMORROW is ‘National Splurge Day’, when we’re encouraged to go out and do something indulgent. If money was no object, what would that be?”
BS WEB GOODIE:
Get in touch with your inner gangster with the Web’s ‘Sopranos Mob Name Generator’. Just plug in your real name, click your mouse and voila – your mob nickname.
NET: http://www.rickmelfi.com/sopranos.html
BS FACT OR CRAP?
Two of these are true, one pure BS. But which one?
1. Before fame, Sandra Bullock was a dog beautician.
2. Before fame, Jay Leno worked in a bakery. (BS)
3. Before fame, Dennis Leary was a semi-pro hockey player.
BS QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
Q: In what room of the typical home is there the greatest risk of violence?
a) Kitchen
b) Bedroom
c) Bathroom
A: In the typical home, the bedroom has the greatest risk of violence. (Does biting count?)
Q: In 1871 a Swiss man named Frederich Von Martini invented the original ‘martini’, but it was NOT a drink. What was it?
a) A high dive.
b) A rifle.
c) A musical instrument.
A: Martini invented a single-shot rifle with a powerful recoil that he named after himself. The British Army used the weapon and one day when a soldier put vermouth in his gin he said it had a kick like a ‘martini’ and the name stuck.
MONDAY MORNING BRAIN BUSTER:
When this book came out, it was read by only a handful of very rich people. Now almost everyone has a copy and reads it frequently, but you can’t buy it at a book store. What book is it? [The phone book.]
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to psychologists, this is the word that a woman likes to hear the most.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Her name.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.
