Tuesday, June 19, 2001 Edition: #2080
MOST POPULAR LOCATIONS FOR WORKPLACE SEX:
• His Office (25%)
• Her Office (16%)
• Cloakroom (16%)
• Boss’s Office (12%)
• Boss’s Desk (10%)
• Elevator (9%)
• Office Parking Garage (5%)
• Kitchen/Coffee Room (4%)
• In a Cupboard (4%)
(Source: poll by NewWoman.co.uk)
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Whitney Houston receives Black Entertainment Television’s inaugural ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’ in Las Vegas (where the odds are 3-1 she won’t show up) . . . Because Lourdes became ‘overly dependent’ on them, Madonna has reportedly banned ‘Pop Tarts’ from her household (no more Britney Spears CDs?) . . . With its monster opening weekend, “Tomb Raider” has already become the biggest-ever movie based on a video game (even bigger than ‘The Return of Pong’) . . . A satellite channel in Iraq is producing what may become the ‘mother of all mini-series’, a 20-episode love story about a king who falls for a poor married woman that’s based on a novel believed to be written by none other than — Saddam Hussein (failure to watch in Baghdad will cost you an arm and a leg).
TODAY’S DVD & VIDEO RELEASES:
Critics raved over the urban romance “Save the Last Dance”, the story of the relationship between a white Midwestern girl who moves to Chicago (Julia Stiles) and a black teen with a rough past (Sean Patrick Thomas) . . . Meg Ryan & Russell Crowe began their brief but much-talked-about fling while filming “Proof of Life”, a thriller about an engineer kidnaped by South American guerillas . . . Alec Baldwin stars in the comedy “State and Main”, about a movie shoot in a small Vermont town where the star can’t keep his pants zipped, the starlet won’t take her top off and the locals aren’t as easily conned as they let on . . . Sean Penn directs Jack Nicholson as a retiring cop who promises to catch a child killer in the drama “The Pledge”.
FLEUR DE LYS FLIES HIGH:
According to a new poll by the North American Vexillological Association (NAVA), the flags of
New Mexico, Texas and Québec are the top 3 standards in North America. The Ontario and Manitoba flags ranked last in Canada, due to their lack of originality (ie: that mini Union Jack in the corner).
OUR BIGGEST BITCH:
Studies show the #1 consumer complaint in North America is ‘poor auto service’, followed by ‘poor home repair’. (In Hollywood, it’s ‘bad rhinoplasty’, followed by ‘paying for lousy sex’.)
NEW APHRODISIAC:
NBC News reports that in clinical trials, a revolutionary new herbal concoction called ‘Arginmax’ increased sexual passion in 73% of women tested. (A related study finds 99% of men experienced sexual arousal just from the mention of the word ‘concoction’.)
WIDE WORLD OF BS:
• In order to cut funeral costs and conserve expensive hardwoods, an undertaking firm in Ireland is now RENTING expensive, REUSABLE ‘display caskets’ for funerals, then burying the dearly departed in cheap chipboard coffins. (Like this hasn’t been going on under the counter for years.)
• Japanese farmers on the island of Shikoku have developed ‘square watermelons’ by growing them inside rectangular glass containers. Sure they’re much easier to ship and store, but they cost $75 each!
• The ‘World’s Most-Tattooed Senior Woman’ made an appearance at the 4th annual “International Tattoo Convention” in Madrid, Spain over the weekend. 64-year-old Isobel Varley of the UK stripped down to show off full tattoos from the neck down as well as numerous piercings – including more than a dozen in her genitalia. (Oh man, now there’s a visual picture guaranteed to cause the entire ‘body art’ movement to screech to a halt.)
• An investigation has found that the mysterious ‘monkey man’ who spread terror and panic throughout India LAST MONTH was nothing more than the product of mass hysteria. (However, there’s renewed panic in the streets over a rumored local sighting of the ‘World’s Most-Tattooed Senior Woman’.)
• The Italian parliament has declared that ‘elevator sex’ is no longer punishable under public obscenity laws. From now on once the doors close, Italian elevators qualify as ‘private spaces’. (Sure makes you think twice before asking, “You going down?”)
THE BULL SHEET 06.19.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1928 [D-2000] Nancy Marchand, Buffalo NY, TV actress (Livia Soprano-“The Sopranos”)
1947 [54] Salman Rushdie, Bombay INDIA, author (“Satanic Verses”)/former fugitive
1950 [51] Ann Wilson, San Diego CA, classic rock singer (Heart-“What About Love”)
1954 [47] Kathleen Turner, Springfield MO, stage actress (made headlines with daily disrobing in London production of “The Graduate”)/movie actress (“Body Heat”, “Romancing the Stone”)
1954 [47] Tasmanian Devil (‘Taz’), Hollywood CA, WB cartoon character who sounds like a buzzsaw when he goes into a whirlwind (debuts in “Devil May Hare”, co-starring Bugs Bunny)
1962 [39] Paula Abdul, Van Nuys CA, washed-up pop singer who was about as hot as you can get back in 1988 (Grammy-“Opposites Attract”)/choreographer
1970 [31] Brian ‘Head’ Welch, Torrance CA, rock guitarist (Korn-“ADIDAS”, “Got the Life”)
1978 [23] ‘Garfield’, Jim Davis’ fat cat comic strip 1st appears in newspapers (now read by over 220 million in more than 2500 newspapers worldwide) QUOTE: “Big fat hairy deal.”
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “World Sauntering Day”, a day to ‘revive the art of Victorian sauntering, and discourage jogging, lollygagging, sashaying, fast walking and trotting’.
TODAY is “National Martini Day”. (Recipe for a very dry martini — 1. Take one bottle of gin. 2. Chug it.)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1999 [02] Britain’s Prince Edward weds Sophie Rhys-Jones
1999 [02] Dallas Star Brett Hull scores at 14:51 of 3rd OT to beat Buffalo Sabres 2-1 and win Stanley Cup (2nd-longest OT game in finals and longest to decide a winner)
2000 [01] Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant finally win their 1st NBA championship as LA Lakers beat Indiana 116-111 in Game 6 of NBA final
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1941 [60] ‘Cheerios’ 1st sold (as ‘Cheerie Oats’)
1981 [20] 13-year-old Céline Dion makes TV debut in Québec (back when future husband Rene was 72)
1983 [18] Opening of Canada’s 1st ‘domed stadium’, Vancouver’s ‘BC Place’ (now ‘GM Place’)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1985 [16] Angelo Spagnolo earns title ‘Worst Recreational Hacker’ at “Worst Avid Golfers Tournament” in Ponte Vedra FL by shooting an incredible 257 (including a 66 on the 17th hole alone), losing 60 golf balls, and knocking 27 balls into the water! (the guy taught me everything I know)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Canadian National Aboriginal Day
Take Your Pet to Work Week (unless it’s a tarantula)
Rebuild Your Life Month (or, for Robert Downey Jr, ‘Rebuild Your Life Year’)
Iced Tea Month (isn’t he a rapper?)
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
• On average, men sweat 40% more than women. (TRUTH! After all, ladies glow.)
• The ‘grapefruit’ got its name because, in the wild, the fruit is purple. (Absolute BS. It was named for the way it grows in clusters, much like grapes, on the tree.)
• On average, men blink nearly twice as much as women. (BS. It’s actually the other way
around, especially if you count ‘batted eyelashes’.)
• On average, a woman’s thighs are one and a half times larger in circumference a man’s. (TRUTH! But let’s just verify that with a measuring tape in the studio this morning.)
• The longest recorded flight of a chicken is just 13 seconds. (TRUTH! Rumor is it happened during a food fight at KFC.)
• There are more dogs than cats in North America. (BS. Cats actually replaced dogs as “man’s best friend” in the mid 1980’s likely because they cost less to maintain, can be left overnight and don’t have to be taken for walks. There are now an estimated 61 million cats in 31 million North American households, making them our favorite pet.)
• You’re safer riding in a plane than lying in a hammock. (TRUTH! According to a new study, more people are injured in hammock accidents than airline crashes each year. About 83% of hammock mishaps occur because people have hung them up wrong [what, they put the tree in the middle?].)
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What’s the strangest thing you’ve found in your kid’s bedroom?”
• “What have you had to cover up when moving out of an apartment in order to get back your security deposit?”
BS TAG LINE:
Today’s program is brought to you by money! For fast relief you can’t beat money – recommended by more doctors than everything else combined.
