WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Actors Jane Seymour, Lucy Liu, Michael Madsen, and Tom Selleck were among mourners at actor David Carradine’s funeral Saturday evening as over 400 showed up to pay their respects at LA’s Forest Lawn Cemetery. Several Hell’s Angels escorted the coffin to the graveyard. The funeral comes a week-and-half after his naked body was found hanging in the closet a Bangkok hotel. An investigation into the odd death is ongoing. (Including how not to tie a slipknot.)
– People.com
• 27-year-old movie actress Sienna Miller (“Alfie”) is the latest British celeb to fall victim to the UK’s real estate sag, listing her Middle Eastern-themed house in northwest London for $300,000 less than she paid for it. In 2007, it cost $1.8 million for the 2-bedroom mansion with Turkish bath & sauna but, thanks to the recession, the property is now up for sale at just under $1.5 million. (Now she’ll be forced to find an A-list actor to sleep with.)
– ContactMusic.com
• 34-year-old actor Bradley Cooper, who plays 1 of the 4 friends who go to Las Vegas for a bachelor party in the hit comedy, “The Hangover”, is amazed he’s found fame appearing in funny films because he struggles to raise a laugh in everyday life. In fact, he admits, he’s ‘not even funny at all’. When he was younger, he thought he’d be suited to more action-type roles. (Then he had beans for dinner one night and …)
– “Details Magazine”
• Fragile “Britain’s Got Talent” singing sensation Susan Boyle is being booked by UK corporate clients for £100,000 ($165,000) per 12-minute set … $13,750-a-minute. That’s a far cry from the £130-a-week ($214) in social benefits she’s been used to living on. But the ability of the 48-year-old the Brit press now insists on calling ‘Subo’ to cope with show biz is still in doubt after she had a shaky “Britain’s Got Talent Tour” performance in Sheffield that led her to cancel a following weekend appearance in Manchester. (The UK media won’t leave her alone until she’s broken.)
– “News Of the World”
• Pseudo-singer/actress Miley Cyrus is denying she hung up on “The MJ Morning Show” (93.3 FLZ Tampa FL) on Friday after uncomfortable questions about recent comments about her by Jamie Foxx. Miley claims on her Twitter page she didn’t hang up, it’s just that ‘specific time frames are set up for each radio station’ and when one goes over the time limit she’s ‘immediately connected to the next station’. (Wow, lame excuse! Why not tell the truth? The guy was being a jerk, so you hung up. End of story.)
– Popvine.com
• And just because annoying Heidi Montag-Pratt withdrew from “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here!” twice, most recently claiming a gastric ulcer, don’t worry that she’s out of work. “The Hills” star has reportedly just finished a photo-shoot for the September issue of “Playboy”. An insider says Heidi had a lot of fun posing tastefully nude. (Good dartboard material anyway.)
– StarPulse.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “The Bachelorette” (ABC/CityTV) – The remaining 10 bachelors arrive in Whistler, British Columbia for winter fun in the snow while wooing Canadian bachelorette Jillian Harris.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Mariah Carey (“Memoirs Of an Imperfect Angel”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Black Eyed Peas (“The E-N-D”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Common (“Terminator: Salvation”); The Doves (“Kingdom of Rust”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Jason Aldean (“Big Green Tractor”)
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Spinal Tap (“Back From the Dead”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Beyoncé – During the final dates of her “I Am …” world tour in the UK, “Daily Star” reports she decided to do a bit of shopping in London. So she ordered up a pair of limos to ferry her & her necessary staff from the Mandarin Oriental Hotel to the famed Harvey Nicholls department store … a total of 14 meters (46 feet) across the street. (One doesn’t want to soil the new shoes.)
• Def Leppard – Fans at their concerts this summer with Bluetooth or wi-fi capable phones will be able to download album art wallpaper, voice tones, and video clips free-of-charge through an on-site service called ‘Rockzimity’. (Cyber-souvenirs!)
• Katy Perry – The 24-year-old “I Kissed A Girl” singer says she picks a girl in the audience at each concert and hauls her up onstage to kiss her. She says she’s done it about 50 times and doesn’t worry about catching swine flu or herpes. (Maybe because her Gym Class Heroes boyfriend Travis McCoy makes her gargle a gallon of mouthwash after?)
• Madonna – Now that the 50-year-old has successfully adopted Malawian orphan Mercy James, “In Touch Weekly” reports she’s planning to meet the parents of Jesus Luz, her 22-year-old underwear model-boyfriend, during an upcoming trip to Brazil. Insiders say the big age difference doesn’t mean a thing to her. (She can call her future father-in-law ‘Junior’.)
• Rolling Stones – 64-year-old guitar legend Jeff Beck tells “Word” magazine he was approached to join the band when Mick Taylor quit in 1974, but turned down the offer from Mick Jagger & Keith Richards because he figured he’d end up dead from partying. (Listening Ronnie?)
• Shania Twain – The 43-year-old singer has posted a long letter on her MySpace page, apologizing for the delay in recording her next album but also saying she’s in a productive period and using writing as therapy following her split with producer-husband Mutt Lange. (The album’s working title is “You Bastard, I Could Stab Your Eyes With Knitting Needles”.)
• Shooter Jennings – Former “Sopranos” actress Drea De Matteo was stunned when her longtime partner proposed onstage at a Utica NY gig. The alt-country singer actually stopped the show to ask her to marry him. By the way, she said ‘yes’. (‘Cause she’s 37 and the acting jobs are drying up.)

COLORS LOOK BRIGHTEST WHEN WE’RE 25:
Researchers at the University of New South Wales in Sydney have used brain waves to study color vision in children and discovered the ability to distinguish between different hues varies with age. Researcher Catherine Suttle of the School of Optometry & Vision Science says color sensitivity is at its highest at about age 25, then starts to decline with age. (Maybe that’s why a lot of ‘mature women’ have blue hair? And old fellas wear yellow pants?)
– “The Age”

GREETING THE LITTLE GREEN MEN:
The SETI Institute, the world’s best-known organization dedicated to the search for alien life, has unveiled plans to scan a million stars over 10 billion communication channels at its Hat Creek radio telescope facility near Sacramento CA. A sampling of what student space enthusiasts think should be first said if-and-when contact is made …
• “This is Earth speaking. We would like to know you. Please reply.”
• “Down here we are all confused.”
• “If you come for a visit, please don’t kidnap us and poke us. We hate that.”
• “There’s nothing to see here. Move along.”
(And what do you think we should say?)
– “Los Angeles Times”

BIG DIP HELPS LITTLE DIPPERS:
A bad economy is usually good for ice cream stores as the cash-strapped seek out affordable comfort food. Lynda Utterback, publisher of the trade magazine “National Dipper”, says many operators report sales increases of 20% since the beginning of the recession. (Screw the diet, let’s live a little!)
– “San Francisco Chronicle”

PRUNE FINGERS ARE GOOD:
A recent study reveals that examining a person’s fingers after soaking them in liquid could be an effective method of checking the condition of a person’s nerves. Scientists at the National University of Singapore have found that the more wrinkled the fingers get, the healthier the nerves are. (In that case, Grandpa must be fear-free.)
– “Straits Times”

NEVER WASH YOUR BIRD:
Britain’s Food & Drink Federation has warned that rinsing a chicken under the tap may seem like a sensible and hygienic thing to do … but it’s not! It can spread any bacteria on the chicken to nearby surfaces and foods. Food safety experts say that rinsing poultry is unnecessary because the cooking process kills food poisoning bacteria. In fact, rinsing the bird under the tap actually splashes any bacteria on the bird onto nearby taps, kitchen surfaces, and foods. (This in no way allows you to skip your morning shower.)
– ANI

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• A full-grown bear can run as fast as a horse. (Faster if you’ve got money on the horse.)
• If you are average, you’ll grow 28 yards of fingernails and 450 miles of hair on your head during your lifetime. (Gee, think of all the home-knit sweaters you could have had!)
• The launching mechanism of an aircraft carrier that helps planes to take off could throw a pickup truck over a mile. (Great, but they’re tough as hell to land!)
– “In One Day”

BS CHRONOMETER 06.15.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [55] Jim Belushi, Chicago IL, TV actor (“According to Jim” 2001-09)/movie actor (“K-9”)/brother of late actor-comedian John Belushi

1963 [46] Helen Hunt, LA CA, movie actress (“Bobby”, Oscar-“As Good As It Gets”)/TV actress (4 Emmys-“Mad About You” 1995-99)

1964 [45] Courteney Cox, Birmingham AL, TV actress (“Dirt” 2007, “Friends” 1994-2004)/movie actress (“Bedtime Stories”, “Scream 1-3″)/Mrs David Arquette since 1999  COMING UP: “Scream 4” in 2010.

1966 [43] Michael Britt, Fort Worth TX, country singer/guitarist (Lonestar-“Mr Mom”, I’m Already There”)

1969 [40] Ice Cube (O’Shea Jackson), LA CA, movie actor (“Are We There Yet?”, “Barbershop”)/rapper (“Pushin’ Weight”)  COMING UP: Plays high school teacher ‘Gabe Kotter’ in “Welcome Back, Kotter: The Movie”.

1971 [38] Bif Naked (Beth Torbert), New Delhi, India (raised Winnipeg MB), rock singer (“Sick”, “I Love Myself Today”)

1973 [36] Neil Patrick Harris, Albuquerque NM, TV actor (‘Barney Stinson on “How I Met Your Mother” since 2005)

1975 [34] Elizabeth Reaser, Bloomfield MI, movie actress (‘Esme Cullen’ in the “Twilight” films)/TV actress (‘Bella’ on “The Ex-List” 2008-09, ‘Jane Doe’ on “Grey’s Anatomy” 2007-08)

1976 [33] Gary Lightbody, Bangor, Northern Ireland, alt-rock singer (Snow Patrol-“Signal Fire”, “Chasing Cars”)

1981 [28] Billy Martin, Naptown MD, pop-rock guitarist (Good Charlotte-“Dance Floor Anthem”, “Lifestyles Of the Rich & Famous”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Husband Caregiver Day”, honoring those dedicated men who, due to circumstances and selflessness, take on the responsibility of becoming primary caregivers for their spouses.

• “Nature Photography Day”, saluting a favorite hobby of camera buffs. (Please, show us those 8,200 photos of squirrels again?)

• “Ride to Work On Your Motorcycle (or Scooter) Day”, the 18th annual observance advocating and the use of motorcycles & scooters for commuter transportation. (Hell’s Angels do this every day … what environmentalists!)
NET: http://www.ridetowork.org

• “Smile Power Day”, recognizing the 2nd-best thing you can do with your lips.

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1847 [162] US-Canada border is officially established (and 1st contraband is hidden in trunk)

1995 [14] Richard Weber of Chelsea, Québec & Russian Mikhail Mlakhov become 1st to ski to the North Pole and back without support teams or outside help

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1994 [15] Disney’s “The Lion King” opens in movie theaters (goes on to earn close to $800 million worldwide)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1956 [53] 15-year-old John Lennon meets 13-year-old Paul McCartney (The Beatles ensue)

1991 [18] Paula Adbul’s “Rush, Rush” hits #1 on pop charts & stays 5 weeks

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] 2009 CMT Music Awards (Nashville TN)
[Tues] Fudge Day
[Wed] World Day to Combat Desertification & Drought
[Thurs] Recess At Work Day
[Fri] Virgin Festivals begin (Montréal QC)
[Fri] World Sauntering Day
[Fri] Work@Home Father’s Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Meet A Mate Week / Men’s Health Week / Universal Father’s Week / US Flag Week

BULL’S BITS

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BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
IF FATHERS WERE REALLY IN CHARGE:
• Garbage would take itself out.
• Phones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be an acceptable response to “I love you”.
• Report card comments would be limited to “Nice hustle, you’ll get ’em next time!”
• If your wife really needed to talk to you in the middle of a game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the TV screen … during a time-out.
• A giant foam hand saying “You’re #1!” would be an acceptable anniversary gift.

BS PHONE STARTER:
Every dad has ‘em … ‘Dadisms’. Those dumb little sayings that seem to come blurting out. Ask listeners to call some in, then  edit the best into “Fathers Day” greetings. A few primers …
• “You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do!”
• “Do you think I’m made of money?”’
• “You call that noise ‘music’?”
• “Because I said so. That’s why!”
• “I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!”
• “Ask your mother.”

BS ANIMALIA:
• What animal’s heart beats only 9 times per minute? [The whale. A hummingbird’s heart, on the other hand, thumps away at 1,260 beats a minute. The rule of thumb is the bigger the animal, the slower the heartbeat. So shouldn’t fat people live longer?]
• 500,000 tons of this is found annually on the sidewalks and streets of Paris, France. [Doggie doo. But that’s only half the crap you get from a French waiter.]
• What animal can go without water even longer than a camel? [The rat. But Amy Winehouse once went an entire half-hour without a drink.]

BS RANDOM JOKE:
From personal experience, I’ve found out that a father is just a banker provided by nature.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Mosquitos are more attracted to us after we’ve eaten THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Banana.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Might as well enjoy Monday … one-seventh of your life is spent on it.