Monday, March 10, 2003 Edition: #2493
Don’t Take Any Sheet, Unless It’s Pure Bull!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “Hollywood Reporter” says trouble is likely to rear its ugly head on FOX-TV’s latest reality show “Married by America”. Seems contestant Denise L, who admits she once posed for a “Playboy” spread, has another little secret she hasn’t revealed – she’s already married. You can expect her to get the boot on TONIGHT’s episode.
• “Sun” reports that producers of the 75th “Academy Awards” have already worked out some alternatives if war in Iraq begins before the MARCH 23rd event. ‘Plan A’ is removing much of the glitz and glamour of the usual red carpet arrivals and concentrating on the awards exclusively. Celebs would be encouraged to ‘dress down’ to suit the change in tone. ‘Plan B’ is postponing the event until a more appropriate time. They better decide soon – work setting up the show at the Kodak Theater has already begun!
• 46-year-old “Sex & the City” maneater Kim Cattrall tells “FHM” magazine she’s on the prowl for a new man and she’s determined to find someone younger. She’s just split from 3rd husband Mark Levison, who last year wrote a sex manual with her called “Satisfaction: The Art Of Female Orgasm”. Cattrall thoughtfully fills in potential suitors on her traits – “I don’t wear underwear, I don’t wax and I have erotic fantasies about things that move.”
• According to “National Enquirer”, 17-year-old actor Robert Iler, who plays “The Sopranos” son ‘AJ’, has been spotted doing drugs in a NYC nightspot in violation of his probation. The “Enquirer” ‘investigation’ that found him drinking underage and smoking marijuana concludes – the kid is headed for disaster. (Tony, could ya have a word with your son?)
• “Us” magazine reports that Britney Spears has hired body doubles that wear the same clothes as her to help keep stalkers away. (One way to tell the difference – the doubles can count higher than 12.)
• “Globe” reveals that 40-year-old Demi Moore seems to be on an embarrassing toyboy spree, recently hitting the club scene with the likes of Justin Timberlake, Joey Fatone, Stephen Dorff, 20-year-old “Smallville” star Michael Rosenbaum and the not-yet-legal Jack Osbourne, 17. A nightclub doorman says Demi tries to cover her face when she enters so her own kids won’t see pics of her carousing into the wee hours (with other people’s kids).
• And here’s the week’s ‘breaking news’, according to “Weekly World News” – “Saddam’s Secret Life – He’s a Transvestite!”, “World’s Most Expensive Coffee is Made of Cat Poop!”, “Worldwide Pimple Plague Will Strike Millions of Teens!”, “Today’s Kids Get High By Sniffing Cow Chips!”, “New Jersey Housewife Finds Hitler’s Mummified Head in a Bowling Bag!”, and “Man Sues Himself For Making His Life Hell!” (finally, someone takes responsibility for their own actions!).
WHAT’S PRETTY?
Dr Nancy Etcoff’s book “The Survival of the Prettiest: The Science of Beauty”, analyzes the biological reasons we consider certain characteristics attractive. For instance –
• Clear skin is attractive because we subconsciously consider it parasite-free.
• Tiny chins are attractive because they mimic the proportions of a baby’s face,
• A high ‘hip-to-waist ratio’ is attractive because it mimics the shape of an uninhabited womb.
OW, MY FILLINGS!
Chewing tin foil may kill germs in the mouth. After Hungarian researchers paid students $75 to chew tin foil 3 times daily, it was found most experienced an increase in oral cleanliness. (Also a 700% increase in gagging.)
RUSH HOUR NEWS:
• A survey by the University of London shows that 18% of British drivers admit to picking their nose while stopped at traffic lights. (Giving the finger has whole other meaning in the UK.)
• Studies show that drivers tend to do this when other cars are around, whether in front, behind, or beside them – they drive faster. (Bad news at the mall parking lot.)
THE TAIL TELLS THE TALE:
UK dog expert Dr Roger Mugford, who runs the Animal Behaviour Centre in Surrey, says a tail wag can indicate if a dog is happy, angry, or about to attack. That’s why he’s invented a device which can tell a pooch’s exact mood by measuring the wag of its tail. The ‘Wagometer’ is fitted to the dog’s back with sensors that attach to its tail to measure the speed, direction and arc of the wag. The readings are then analyzed to judge how the dog is feeling. Just so you know – a happy dog tends to have a wide, horizontal wag, while a high tail that only wags at the tip indicates a dog that’s ready to attack.
EAU DE DIAPER:
A Swedish company is launching a perfume for babies that sells for more than $64 a bottle. Landstrom Trading in Gothenburg says it’s confident ‘Baby Touch’ will become a best seller. Marketing director Dan Landstrom believes perfume for babies will be bought by young mothers under 35. (Fragrances include – Vomit, Spittal and Nappy.)
THEY LIE IN HOLLYWOOD?
A new book called “Hollywood Urban Legends” dispels many stories that people believe about has-been Hollywood stars. For instance, Kirk Cameron who played ‘Mike’ on “Growing Pains”, did NOT die from a bowling accident. ‘Mikey’, the kid from the Life cereal commercials, did NOT die from eating Pop Rocks candy and washing it down with Coke. And Susan Olsen, ‘Cindy’ from “The Brady Bunch”, did NOT star in a porn movie. She merely resembles the star of the 1986 X-rated skin flick “Crocodile Blondee”.
ALL-TIME TOP MOVIE LINES:
1. “You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!” – “The Italian Job”
2. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” – “Gone With the Wind”
3. “We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here and we want them now” – “Withnail and I”
4. “You talkin’ to me?” – “Taxi Driver”
5. “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” – “Apocalypse Now”
6. “I’ll have what she’s having …” – “When Harry Met Sally”
7. “All my life I wanted to be a gangster.” – “Goodfellas”
8. “I do wish we could chat longer. But I’m having an old friend for dinner.” – “Silence of the Lambs”
9. “Infamy, Infamy, they’ve all got it in for me” – “Carry on Cleo”
10. “He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy.” – “Life of Brian”
Source: A new poll by the Orange Word Screenwriters/BBC London.
THE BULL SHEET 03.10.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [63] Chuck Norris, Ryan OK, ex-TV actor (“Walker: Texas Ranger”)/martial arts expert
1947 [56] Kim (Avril Phaedra) Campbell, Port Alberni BC, briefly 1st female PM (June-October 1993) who later served as Canada’s representative at Los Angeles consulate
1957 [46] Osama Bin Laden, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, Al-Qa’ida founder/world’s most wanted man FACTOID: According to recently captured #3 Al-Qa’ida leader Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, Bin Laden is alive, in good health and living in the border region between Pakistan & Afghanistan.
1958 [45] Sharon Stone, Meadville PA, movie actress (“The Muse”, “Basic Instinct”)
1964 [39] Prince Edward (Edward Antony Richard Louis Windsor), London ENG, QEII’s #3 son/Earl of Wessex & Viscount Severn/Mr Sophie Rhys-Jones
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY, the 2nd Monday in March, is “Commonwealth Day”, an annual event when the 54 member countries of the Commonwealth supposedly celebrate their links with one another on what was formerly known as “Empire Day”. In Canada, the day is celebrated with – nothing.
TODAY the 18th annual “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” induction ceremony will be held in NYC. The Police, the Clash, Elvis Costello & the Attractions, the Righteous Bros and AC/DC are this year’s inductees. Police drummer Stewart Copeland says the band, which split acrimoniously in the mid ‘80s, WILL reunite at the ceremony but for only a 3-song set. The 3 surviving members of the Clash will NOT perform due to the death of guitarist/vocalist Joe Strummer in December at age 50.
TODAY is “Mario Day”, saluting anyone with that name because the abbreviated date (MAR-10) sort of spells ‘Mario’. Famous Marios include NHL scoring leader Mario Lemieux, “Godfather” author Mario Puzo, and former auto racer Mario Andretti. (Free drinks at East Side Mario’s today?)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1963 [40] 25,000 attend country legend Patsy Cline’s funeral in Winchester TN after she’s killed in a plane crash (“I Fall to Pieces”)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1842 [161] Queen’s University founded in Kingston ON (home of the ‘Golden Gaels’)
1876 [127] 1st ‘telephone call’ as Alexander Graham Bell says to Thomas Watson in next room: “Mr Watson, come here. I want you” (setting off all kinds of rumors) If you could call anyone in the world, who would it be?
1941 [62] 1st ‘batting helmets’ used by pro baseball players
1964 [39] 1st Ford ‘Mustang’ built (but isn’t for sale until April 16)
1967 [36] 1st ‘octuplets’ born, in Mexico (named ‘Uno’, ‘Dos’, ‘Tres’ …)
1975 [28] 1st ‘dog spectacles’ patented (UK)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Gulf War 2?
[1 week today] St Patrick’s Day
[Tues] Camp Fire Girls Day
[Tues] Johnny Appleseed Day
[Tues] Worship of Tools Day
[Thurs] Ear Muff Day
[Thurs] Open an Umbrella Indoors Day
[Fri] Potato Chip Day
[Sat] Ides of March
THIS WEEK IS . . .
National Older Persons Employment Week
Education Advocacy Week
National Agriculture Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS HORRIBLESCOPES:
• Aries – Throughout the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry though – it’s probably nothing.
• Taurus – Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10 OK?
• Gemini – Today you will finally get to the bottom of things. Unfortunately, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly and smells bad.
• Cancer – The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview …
• Leo – Lately you feel as if your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.
• Virgo – You will be embarrassed when you make an involuntary noise while in an elevator. Try whipping out your pager and saying, “These new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?”
• Libra – Some will consider you somewhat ornery when you go out for dinner tonight and insist on using chopsticks. Perhaps because it’s an Italian restaurant?
• Scorpio – Today you will discover no matter how tempting it is, you should never try to vacuum a sleeping grandparent.
• Capricorn – Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
• Sagittarius – You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say: “You too can be a criminal mastermind!”
• Aquarius – You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables, which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast.
• Pisces – Bring some extra today. You’re gonna need it!
BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
• Which is the world’s largest aquatic bird?
a) Penguin
b) Seagull
c) Albatross [CORRECT]
d) Rubber Chicken
• Blood really is thicker than water. How many times thicker?
a) 6 times [CORRECT]
b) 3 times
c) 10 times
d) Liquid or scabbed?
• At what speed did Intel introduce its 1st Pentium chip?
a) 60 megahertz [CORRECT]
b) 33 megahertz
c) 75 megahertz
d) Meg really hertz, but why?
BS BLATANT JOKE:
I was late this morning because I had to have my car towed in to work. Nothing wrong with it, it’s just cheaper than filling up with gas. Do you get the feeling when you pull into a service station that YOU’RE the one getting pumped?
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: This is the #1 thing that women find unattractive about a man.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Ugly fingernails.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
A friend is somebody who really knows you … but likes you anyway.
THE WORLD OF BS!
Welcome aboard to “BS” samplers this week that include Steven Connors @ CKVO Clarenville NL, Jonathan Daniel @ KROX Austin TX, Jeff Shore @ WKLJ Sparta WI, Veronica Salteno @ KKTX Kilgore TX, and Jimmy Wright @ KSTZ Des Moines IA. Tell a friend about “BS” and we’ll bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new subscriber you refer!
