Wednesday, March 5, 2003 Edition: #2490
100% Grade A Bull!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY in NYC, pro-pot “High Times” magazine announces the winners of this year’s “Stony Awards” for cannabis-friendly movies and actors (nominees for ‘Best Stoner Movie’ are “Van Wilder”, “Undercover Brother”, “Orange County”, “Friday After Next” & “Super Troopers”) . . . Buzz has it John Travolta is trashing his movie career by making over-the-top demands and pricing himself right out of the market – even though he’s been a box office stiff in recent years (ie: he demanded $23 million plus $4 million in expenses to star in the upcoming Western “The Outlaws” – and was told to get out of town by sundown) . . . 33-year-old Detroit Red Wings forward Sergei Federov confirms to the “Hockey News” he not only dated 21-year-old Russian tennis babe Anna Kournikova, they were actually married for a brief time (he scores!!!) . . . Jen & Ben have tongues wagging in Affleck’s home town of Boston after they visited the city’s 300-year-old Trinity Church for a 2nd time in 6 months (the scene of the wedding THIS SUMMER?) . . . Russell Crowe’s 32-year-old fiancée Danielle Spencer has nixed an invitation for Nicole Kidman to attend their wedding NEXT MONTH Down Under, but oddly has no problems with Russ’ ex-girlfriend Meg Ryan showing up . . . Courteney Cox will reportedly try in-vitro fertilization a 3rd time in a bid to have a baby with actor-hubby David Arquette, and is said to be hoping to link her pregnancy with the storyline of the final season of “Friends” . . . Word has it Britney Spears has hired a look-alike to go clubbing with her because she’s so afraid of stalkers, an idea hatched by one of her people who heard Saddam Hussein uses look-alikes (unfortunately she got all confused and has been showing up with a guy in a thick mustache).
NEW BS JARGON:
• ‘Silver Ceiling’ – Management bias experienced by senior workers, just as women used to run into the ‘Glass Ceiling’ when it came to promotions. Seems younger employees with ‘potential’ are often getting the breaks instead. (“You’ve hit the silver ceiling in this firm, Lunkstead. You oughta be getting your retirement plan together for when you hit 25.”)
• ‘Face Guy’ – An executive hired primarily because he looks and sounds good in the media. (“Don’t worry what Slickman says in the meeting, he’s just the corporate face guy.”)
• ‘404′ – A derogatory term used to describe someone who’s totally clueless, derived from the error message you get when a Web page is missing – ‘404 Not Found’. (“Forget about asking Joanne Thickley, she’s 404.”)
SCIENTISTS SAY:
A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ –
• Scientists say … that fish feel no pain. A new study by University of Wyoming zoology professor James Rose finds that the brains of fish are not sufficiently developed to allow them to sense pain or fear. (On the other hand, worms experience excruciating pain when put on a hook.)
• Scientists say … smoking can cause erectile dysfunction. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine says smoking can affect a man’s size and capability when it comes to sex. (Well no wonder. What an odd way to inhale!)
• Scientists say … the 4,800-year-old Stonehenge monument in southwestern England may represent the female anatomy. University of British Colombia professor emeritus Anthony Perks outlines the theory in the latest edition of “The Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine”. (In related news, the Great Pyramid of Egypt may be a big brick boob.)
• Scientists say … it can take twice as long for an obese person’s brain to get the message that they’re full. Researchers at the University of Florida’s Brain Institute say the average person feels full 10 minutes after beginning to eat, while it takes up to 9 minutes more for heavier people to feel nourished. (Mom was right – eat slowly.)
• Scientists say … that in the future we will be able to make houses out of Styrofoam. (The best feature about them – your beer will never get warm!)
WHY THE HECK WOULD THEY FAKE PARADISE?
Bermuda’s “Royal Gazette” newspaper reports that some of the photos used in tourism ads for the picturesque Atlantic island are NOT pictures of Bermuda at all. One features a model on a beach – in Hawaii, another shows a woman swimming with a dolphin – in Florida, and a third pictures a scuba diver surrounded by fish – in the Seychelles. (“Come to Bermuda – see the world!”)
OBJECTS ON SCREEN APPEAR LARGER:
How many times have you seen fast-food ads on TV and said, “Too bad it doesn’t really look like that”? The UK’s TV watchdog, the Independent Television Commission, has agreed with viewers’ complaints that a McDonald’s ‘Steak Premiere’ shown in a TV spot is far thicker and better filled than the real thing – and has banned the ad! (My wife called in to complain about a Trojan ad.)
KEEPING THE FAITH:
• Roman Catholics in Mexico are flocking to a remote village to see an image of the Virgin Mary that has appeared in a – home-baked fruit cake. “It’s her! No one can possibly doubt this,” one village resident says. (How appropriate it’s a fruit cake. Must have been the raisins.)
• Catholics in the Philippines have been told that confessing sins via text message is no longer
permissible in seeking absolution. (UNLS U WNT 2 BRN N HELL.)
CAMOUFLAGED CAB:
Irish aviation millionaire Michael O’Leary has found a way to beat rush hour in Dublin – he’s purchased a taxi licence so he can drive in restricted lanes. However, in order to keep it, he must pick up passengers if hailed. (Who’d think to flag down a limo with smoked glass?)
BARK LIKE A DOG, YOU BITCH!
54-year-old German artist Karl-Friedrich Lenze has applied for a licence to open a brothel in Berlin for – sexually frustrated dogs. He says it would be the first of its kind anywhere and would include rooms for private encounters, plus a ‘bar’ where canine customers could sniff out preferred partners. The fee? $27 per half-hour. (Who’d spend 27 bucks on that? Killer would be just as happy humping your leg – for free.)
THE PRICE OF PEACE:
Romanian businessman Nicole Popa is paying his wife $500 a month not to annoy him when he comes home from work. He says he’s so tired after a long day he just wants to go to bed. Wife Maria is said to be happy with the deal, but admits it’s difficult to remain quiet because she sits in front of computer all day without anyone to talk to. (Probably for a grand a month she’d be happy to dump him altogether.)
BS AMAZING FACT:
If a normal male could possibly urinate for a full hour, he would fill a 14-gallon fish tank.
Source: “Globe & Mail”
THE BULL SHEET 03.05.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1952 [51] Alan Clark, Durham ENG, classic rock musician (Dire Straits-“Money for Nothing”, “Sultans of Swing”)
1955 [48] Penn Jillette, Greenfield MA, Las Vegas magician (Penn & Teller)
1970 [33] John Frusciante, NYC, rock musician (Red Hot Chili Peppers-“Californication”, “Under the Bridge”)
1989 [14] Jake Lloyd, Fort Collins CO, movie actor (Anakin Skywalker in “Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace”, the role older Vancouver actor Hayden Christensen has taken over for “Episodes II & III”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Ash Wednesday”, the first day of the Lenten fast in the Catholic church. Things have become more lenient in recent years as Catholics no longer need to ‘give something up’ for Lent, unless they choose to. (I’m giving up liver.)
TODAY is “Mother-in-Law Day”, first celebrated 69 years ago on March 5, 1934. A similar “Mother-in-Law’s Day” is held on the 4th Sunday in October. To stay out of trouble – best to remember both.
TODAY is “Multiple Personalities Day”, saluting the adage ‘We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.’ (Can people with multiple personalities deduct themselves as dependents on their income tax?)
THIS WEEK is “National Procrastination Week”, sponsored by the ‘Procrastinators’ Club of America’ who believe putting things off till tomorrow is a healthy way to live. The club claims to have millions of members around the world – who just haven’t gotten around to joining yet.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2002 “The Osbournes” debuts on MTV (who woulda thought such an untalented bunch could become so famous?)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1868 [135] 1st ‘stapler’ (next day, the 1st tie is stapled to a report)
1937 [66] ‘SPAM’ is 1st marketed after Hormel Co chefs discover that ham cooked in special spices, then ground up and canned has a 7-year shelf life (has since become both the butt of jokes and the world’s most popular canned meat)
1972 [31] 1st breeding of a ‘Great Dachshund’, a cross between a Great Dane and a Dachshund (how dey do dat?)
2000 [03] World’s 1st ‘cloned pigs’, produced by US subsidiary of Scottish company that cloned ‘Dolly the sheep’
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1985 [18] 1st NHL player to score 50 goals in 8 consecutive seasons (Mike Bossy-NY Islanders)
1994 [09] World’s largest milkshake contains 1,955 gallons of chocolate (Nelspruit, South Africa)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Frozen Food Day
[Thurs] Stop Bad Service Day
[Sat] International (Working) Women’s Day
[Sat] Middle Name Pride Day
[Sun] 9th Screen Actors Guild [SAG] Awards
[Sun] Employee Appreciation Day
This Week Is . . . Detect a Leak Week (what’s that tinkling sound?)
This Month Is . . . National Noodle Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TOP 10 SPRING BREAK DESTINATIONS:
10. Lake Havasu City, Arizona
9. Koh Phangan, Thailand
8. Mazatlan, Mexico
7. Nassau, Bahamas
6. Vail, Colorado
5. Montego Bay/Negril, Jamaica
4. Acapulco, Mexico
3. Stowe, Vermont
2. Ibiza, Spain
1. Daytona Beach, Florida
Source: “Ask Men”
TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements TRUE or just a load of hooey?
• The village of Narcisse, Manitoba is famous for its snakes. (TRUE. As many as 70,000 garter snakes make their winter hibernation home in the limestone pits 95 miles north of Winnipeg.)
• The chances you will be able to quit smoking without some sort of help are 50/50. (BS, only about 25%.)
• You should never cross you legs in Saudi Arabia. (TRUE. It is poor etiquette to show someone the bottom of your foot as it means you think they are lower than a dog.)
• Just 3 kinds of fish are known to produce musical sounds. (BS, there are more than 50!)
• ‘Pepsi’ was named after the inventor’s girlfriend. (BS. It came from the ingredient ‘pepsin’.)
• Experts say if cockroaches were human size, they would be able to run 200 mph. (TRUE)
• Between the ages of 30 and 50, the average person eats 10 tons of food, but gains only 5 pounds. (TRUE)
• The polar bear is the world’s most dangerous animal. (BS. The microscopic malarial parasites of the genus Plasmodium carried by mosquitoes are believed to be responsible for half of all human deaths since the Stone Age, excluding deaths caused by war and accidents.)
BS BLATANT JOKE:
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Just where is your man’s attention? On an average day, the average guy will look at THIS 8 times.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A clock or watch.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Blood is thicker than water … and tastier.