Monday, March 18, 2002 Edition: #2255
The early bird gets the worm, but the SECOND mouse gets the cheese!
Police in Japan have just shut down an illegal sex ring popular among middle-aged men seeking sex and sympathy from prostitutes whose ages ranged from — 40 to 70!
BEST THINGS ABOUT AN OLDER WOMAN:
• An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night to ask you,”What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t care what you think.
• An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
• An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
• Older women can run faster because they’re always wearing sensible shoes.
• Older women are independent. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
• Older women are more honest. she’ll tell you that you are an a–hole if you’re acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case you might break up with her.
• Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can’t help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
• An older woman will never accuse you of ‘using her’ — because she’s using you.
• Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever by the phone for you to call.
• An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she’s with you, in case you get any ideas.
• Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
• An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else stole them first.
BS TITILLATING TABLOID TRASH:
• Harrison Ford and “Ally McBeal” star Calista Flockhart have become more than just friends, reports “People” mag. The two met at the Golden Globe Awards, where she spilled a drink on him. They’ve reportedly been inseparable ever since. (What, she’s working off the dry cleaning bill?)
• Are we spoiled rotten? According to “Star”, Mariah Carey’s dressing room requirements include kittens and puppies must be supplied for her to play with. (And the dressing room walls must be padded.)
• UK’s “Sun” tab says Rod Stewart will join the entertainment line-up for Queen Elizabeth’s JUNE 3RD ‘Golden Jubilee Celebration’ at Buckingham Palace that already includes Elton John, Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, Phil Collins, Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin and Tom Jones. Rod says one reason he took the gig is, “She’s got all my CDs.” (You know you’re an aging rock star when a 75-year-old is your biggest fan.)
• “Star” claims a topless photo of “Friends” star Jennifer Aniston published in Britain has sent her hubby Brad Pitt into a rage and driven her to tears. (Apparently they profiled her wrong side.) .
• According to “Variety”, Arnold Schwarzenegger will co-produce and star in a remake of the 1973 sci-fi thriller “Westworld”, taking on what was originally Yul Brynner’s role — a robot gunslinger programmed to act out shoot-outs with tourists in an Old West theme park. (Wow, Arnold as a robot – how to stretch those acting chops, Arnie!)
• “NY Post” reports that Britney Spears is getting into the restaurant business. The Dylan Hotel in NYC is replacing its failed French restaurant with an American bistro co-owned by Britney to be called ‘Pinkey’ – which apparently is her nickname. (Wonder how she got it?)
• “National Enquirer” says Regis Philbin has announced he’s quitting the “Regis & Kelly Live” morning TV gabfest over ABC-TV’s poor treatment of his game show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”. (Whether he’ll continue on “Millionaire” is a moot point – it’s likely to be dumped soon over sagging ratings.)
• “Mirror” reveals Paul McCartney and fiancée Heather Mills’ ‘secret wedding date’ is JUNE 6 and they’ll do the honors in a ‘fairytale ceremony’ near his mansion in the Hamptons on Long Island NY. Word is she’s ordered 10 meters of the finest Chantilly lace for her gown.
• The new Mr Liza Minnelli, producer David Gest, tells “OK!” magazine they are planning to adopt 4 children and Liza is going to be — quote — “the best mother in the world”. (Well yeah, it’s in her genes.)
• And here’s the week’s ‘breaking news’, according to “Weekly World News” — “Big Bust in Tinseltown: FBI Puts Squeeze on Starlets & Their Bootleg Implants!”, “Stop Feeling Guilty the OJ Way!”, “Tooth Fairy Turned My Son Gay!”, “Britney Stole My Body!”, and — you gotta love it — “Boneless Baby Lives in a Bucket!”
R&R HALL OF FAME INDUCTION:
TODAY the new “Rock & Roll Hall of Fame” inductees will be enshrined in NYC (because no one wants to go to the actual hall in Cleveland). Alicia Keys will induct Isaac Hayes, Eddie Vedder will do the honors for the Ramones, Red Hot Chili Peppers Anthony Kiedis and John Frusciante will intro the Talking Heads, and Jakob Dylan will usher in Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers. Other 2002 inductees include ’60s hit-makers Gene Pitney and Brenda Lee, and late guitarist/producer Chet Atkins.
I SENSE FRAUD CHARGES ARE COMING:
Well, so much for that Jamaican ‘shaman’ crapola. Turns out supposed telephone psychic ‘Miss Cleo’ is actually a Valley Girl, born in Los Angeles not the Caribbean, according to birth records obtained by the Florida attorney general. Even her parents aren’t Jamaican – they hail from Texas and California. The Florida attorney general is leading the governmental assault on
Miss Cleo’s psychic hotline, which charges about $5 per minute for its sleazy, scripted service.
FABULOUS FACES:
Attractive faces are universal, according to a study in the journal “Nature”. Researchers used computer-generated images to confirm that women with large eyes and high cheek bones, and men with strong chins are considered most attractive by people around-the-world. (So the world’s sexiest man is – Jay Leno?)
ANOTHER WARNING ABOUT WARMING:
Spring is coming earlier and autumn arriving later, according to a recent study of gardens by Germany’s University of Munich. Scientists say a warmer world climate has extended growing seasons by at least 10 days since 1960. (What’s coming up in your bed? Your FLOWER bed!)
WHO CARES?
Working parents — stop feeling guilty! Studies in both Sweden and the US show that many kids cared for in a daycare setting actually do BETTER in school than those cared for at home. (How well you do the dishes and make your bed doesn’t count when you get to school.)
A WOMAN’S WORK:
North American men are doing about a third more housework today than in 1965, according to a new survey by the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, now averaging about 16 hours of housework a week. Women are still doing much more — about 27 hours a week. Swedish men put in 24 hours a week on chores, more than men in any other country, while Japanese men do the least housework — a lousy 4 hours a week.
WITH WHICH DO YOU ITCH?
Studies show that left-handed people tend to scratch themselves with their right hand, while right-handed people scratch themselves with their left hand. (Except for baseball players, ’cause that’s their glove hand.)
COPY RAGE:
A new survey shows millions of office workers have kicked or punched a photocopier. The
Hewlett-Packard poll shows that over 10% of office workers admit attacking photocopy machines in frustration.
WRINKLED IS BETTER:
Sheffield University psychologist. Dr Lorraine Boule claims older men are better lovers and have fewer impotence problems than young turks. She also says that ‘male menopause’ is a myth invented by pharmaceutical companies in order to sell their products. Contrary to popular belief, she says, men become more sexually skilled as they get older.
TODAY’S HEART-WARMING STORY:
A British couple who fell in love while they were in a cow costume are getting married. Kevin Blackburn and Sharon Colley met when they dressed up as ‘Daisy’ the cow on-stage in a play. Kevin was in the front of the costume, Sharon in the back. According to her, “It was love at first sight.” (Guess ol’ Kev has nice buns.)
THE BULL SHEET 03.18.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1961 [41] Poppin’ Fresh (the ‘Pillsbury Doughboy’), fat guy/TV ad huckster
1963 [39] Vanessa L Williams, Bronx NY, pop singer (“Colors of the Wind”)/film actress (“Soul Food”, “Eraser”)/Broadway actress (“Into the Woods”)/former Miss America ‘stripped’ of title
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is officially “Annual Coffee Cup Washing Day”, a day to give your scummy coffee mug at work its annual clean-out — whether it needs it or not.
TODAY is “Forgive Mom & Dad Day”. No matter how lousy they were as parents, it’s time to let it go and get on with your life.
TOMORROW they’ll air out the 29th annual “Rotten Sneaker Contest” in the ‘Rotten Sneaker Capital of the World’ Montpelier VT. Contestants aged 5 to 15 try for the coveted international trophy and a grand prize worth $2,500, plus enshrinement of the winning sneakers in the Odor-Eaters ‘Hall of Fumes’. Only rule — shoes have to stay on feet. Ask about the extremes contestants go to in order to win (like walking through llama dung).
PHONER: 802-223-5141 (Montpelier Recreation Department)
NET: http://www.odoreaters.com/rsc.shtml
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1892 [110] Lord Stanley 1st proposes a silver challenge cup for hockey (later becomes the Stanley Cup)
1931 [71] Schick markets 1st ‘electric razor’ (the next day, the 1st nose hair becomes painfully entangled)
1966 [36] 1st ‘disposable paper dress’ hits the market, priced at $1 (Scott Paper Co)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1981 [21] Buffalo Sabres set NHL record of 9 goals in a single period (vs Toronto)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Great American Meat Out Day
[Wed] 1st Day of Spring
[Wed] National Proposal Day
[Wed] National Snowman Burning Day
[Wed] Extraterrestrial Abductions Day
[Wed] 16th Soul Train Music Awards
[Thurs] National Single Parents Day
[Sat] Razzy Awards
[Sun] 74th Academy Awards
National Spring Fever Week
On-Hold Month (what phone number has the worst on-hold music?)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
• “What movie star who’s so far refused to disrobe would you most like to see naked on the silver screen?” (Geez, who’s left? Let’s see, there’s Snow White . . .)
• “What’s the absolute dumbest movie ever made?” (According to the Ask Men Website, the all-time dumb 5, in order, are “Airplane!” “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery”, “Weekend at Bernie’s”, “Dumb & Dumber”, and “Top Secret!”.)
BABY BONUS CONTEST:
A radio station in Sweden ran the ‘Reproduction Olympics’ in FEBRUARY, paying for 15 couples to get away for a romantic weekend at a hotel/spa where they were encouraged to ‘get in the mood’ with free champagne and massages. Grand prize $5000 — for the first couple to get pregnant! 26-year-old Patricia Karlsson & 28-year-old partner Mikael Hansson of Stockholm have just been confirmed as winners, thanks to a positive pregnancy test. They had been trying for a baby since the summer of 2001. (Hey, you want a contest that’ll be the talk of your town?)
SUGAR DADDY:
32-year-old Tampa Bay area real estate investor Kevin Shelton has handed out $7,000 in $1 bills to complete strangers at Tampa’s International Plaza mall. Two security guards accompanied him as he spent 2 hours handing out the loot, which he says was simply to ‘make people happy’. (Now THERE’S a really simple radio promotion for you! Hand out money — still the ultimate contest prize.)
BS OSCAR QUIZ:
• What’s an Oscar statue actually worth — $3000, $300 or $30? [The 13.5-inch statue costs about $300 to make.]
• True or False? Oscar winners sign an agreement not to sell their statues. [True. Since 1952, each winner has agreed not to sell or auction their award without first offering it back to the Academy for a buck. However, lots of the statues have been auctioned off, often by survivors of deceased Oscar winners.]
• What were the first Oscar statuettes made of — gold, bronze or wood? [The little golden, sword-bearing guy was first made of solid bronze. During WWII’s metal shortage it was made out of plaster and is now made of gold-plated britannium.]
BS TAG LINE:
The management of this station is not responsible for any loss of dignity suffered while listening to the preceding program.
