BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
While appearing on a Japanese TV talk show, actor Tom Cruise has confirmed that a 4th film in the “Mission: Impossible” series is in the works (reasons he’d go back to a proven formula: “Valkyrie”, “Lions for Lambs”) . . . “Entertainment Weekly” reports that actress Heather Locklear has turned down an offer to join the cast of the CW remake of “Melrose Place”, the show on which she played the key role of ‘Amanda Woodward’ from 1992-99 (2 reasons: 47 years of age; the invention of HDTV) . . . NBC-TV is launching a talent competition called “The Sing Off” that’s destined to draw comparisons to FOX-TV’s “American Idol”, only this show is billed as the first a capella-style contest (how long do you give it?) . . . “The Hills” has lost another resident as Audrina Patridge is leaving the show after its upcoming 5th season (debuting March 30th) for a new Mark Burnett-produced series that will ‘follow her personal & professional life’ (well at least it’s an original concept) . . . “People” says rumors are swirling that actor Bruce Willis (54 yesterday) & 32-year-old model-girlfriend Emma Heming are planning to wed privately this week (or might already have) in the Caribbean’s Turks & Caicos (the tip-off: ex-wife Demi Moore & hubby Ashton Kutcher are among guests in private villas at a hotel near his island home) . . . And Kenley Collins, the rude, unpleasant runner-up in the 5th season of “Project Runway”, has been arrested in Brooklyn NY for attacking her sleeping fiancé with anything she could find, including a laptop, several apples, water, and – a cat (wow, it’s assault with an aloof weapon!).

WEEKEND SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Today Gavin Rossdale (“Forever May You Run”) is on.
• “The Hour” (CBC) – Tonight Nickelback is featured.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Motley Crue performs a special version of “White Trash Circus” to promote their just-announced tour, “Crue Fest 2”.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – This morning Gavin DeGraw performs “I Have You to Thank”.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Steve Martin hosts; Jason Mraz is the musical guest.
• Smokey Robinson & The Miracles – Today they’re honored with the 2,381st star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame as Motown boss Berry Gordy and Stevie Wonder salute the group.
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Chris Cornell (“Part of Me”) performs.
• “Twilight” – Teens and ‘tweens will no doubt be lined up to get the vampire romance movie as it comes out on DVD in a special Saturday release. Robert Pattinson & Kristen Stewart star in the supernatural Romeo & Juliet story that took in about $300 million in worldwide box office.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Bruce Hornsby – The 1980s hitmaker (“The Way It Is”) has composed the score to “Kobe Doin’ Work”, an upcoming documentary on NBA superstar Kobe Bryant directed by Spike Lee.
• Jonas Bros – They’re nearing completion of their 4th album, due out June 15th, which they claim will take the group in ‘new sonic directions’. (From cheddar to Monterrey Jack.)
• Kanye West – He’s been charged with vandalism, battery, and grand theft over an incident last September when he allegedly broke camera equipment during a scuffle with paparazzi at LAX. (Unfortunately, no charge for ‘egotism’ so far.)
• Kelly Clarkson – “All I Ever Wanted” is her first #1 album since her debut effort in 2002.
• LeAnn Rimes – In response to a report claiming she’s having an affair she’s posted on her blog ‘not everything in our lives is black and white’. (BS translation: You caught me, dammit!)
• Madonna – She’s planning to record a couple of new music tracks for an upcoming “Greatest Hits” compilation album, tentatively due this September.
• Modest Mouse – They’re set to release the video for “King Rat”, which was directed by actor Heath Ledger shortly before his death. The song was a bonus track from 2007’s “We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank”.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “Duplicity” ( PG-13 Crime Thriller ): Long-missing-from-he-screen Julia Roberts & Brit actor Clive Owen (“The International”, “Sin City”) play a pair of corporate spies with a romantic past who hook up once again to pull off the ultimate con job on their respective bosses. Co-stars Paul Giamatti.
NET: http://www.duplicitymovie.net
• “I Love You, Man” ( R-Rated Comedy ): Paul Rudd plays a friendless fiancé who resorts to a series of ‘man-dates’ in an attempt to find a Best Man for his wedding. But his choice for a new BFF (Jason Segel) puts a strain on his relationship with his fiancée (Rashida Jones from “The Office”). Co-stars Jamie Pressly (“My Name is Earl”).
NET: http://www.iloveyouman.com
• “Knowing” ( PG-13 Mystery Thriller ): Nicolas Cage plays a teacher who opens a time capsule that’s been dug up at his son’s school in which he finds some chilling predictions, some that have already occurred and others that are about to. 10-year-old actor Chandler Canterbury (“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button“) plays the son. Shot in Melbourne, Australia.
NET: http://www.knowing-themovie.com

THE UPSIDE OF GRUMPY:
Experiments at Australia’s New South Wales School of Psychology seem to show that people in bad moods make better eyewitnesses to events and are more effective at creating persuasive arguments. The study suggests that more reliable memory, better judgment, superior critical thinking and better communication skills are among the benefits of being in a bad mood. On the other hand, a positive mood is likely to trigger less careful thinking strategies. (This is why a husband coming home at 2 am has no hope of winning the ensuing ‘discussion’.)
– MedicalNewsToday.com

NOW EVEN THE PLANTS ARE TEXTING:
A new sensor developed by Israeli scientists can send text messages to farmers when crops need water or to homeowners when a houseplant is thirsty. The gizmo is currently being readied for international commercial markets. Plant physiologist Eran Raveh & his partner Arie Nadler spent 7 years perfecting the unique sensor. The original idea behind the sensor was to cut irrigation costs by 50%. (“I’ll have to talk to you later, I just got a tweet from my wheat.”)
– Fox News

GET ON YOUR BOOTS:
US shoemaker Heelarious has launched a new line of knee-high cowboy boots … for babies. The 6-inch-high patent leather boots are aimed at infants aged from newborn to 6-months-old. They come in either black or pink, both with silver spurs. Critics say children of that age shouldn’t be wearing shoes, let alone heels. But Heelarious founder says the boots bring ‘hysterical laughter’ to both baby and mother. At over $40, it’s a bit of an expensive joke, no? (BTW, this is the same company that brought the world stiletto heels for babies.)
– MotherandBaby.com.au

NOT SO TINY DANCERS:
A professional dance company of pudgy performers has been launched in China. The ‘Overweight Troupe’, whose members weigh an average of 280 lbs, has just set out on its first national tour, doing leg splits and flips to the huge enjoyment of theater audiences. The lightest of the 14 performers weighs in at 224 lbs, the heaviest at – whoa! – 490. Troupe founder Fei Fei (‘Chubby’) was born big, weighing 12-lb, 2-oz, and her weight topped 150 lbs by age 11. She says she set up the company in Zhenzhou 4 months ago in order to make a living and also to feel part of society. (The stage must be reinforced concrete!)
– Ananova News Service

BS LAW & DISORDER:
•  A kindergarten teacher in Bridgeport CT has been busted for allegedly making a pupil eat his lunch out of the trash after he threw it away untouched. 67-year-old Anne O’Donnell is charged with ‘risking injury to a minor’. (Those bologna & peanut butter sandwiches must have been really bad.)
– “New York Post”
• A clever UK convenience store owner has cut litter in her village by 40% by writing kids’ names on what they buy. Yvonne Froud marks each candy wrapper, potato chip bag, and drink container with indelible marker. Litterbugs who toss their trash afterward are shown the evidence and forced to either pick up or face being banned from the store. Froud says the program is working so well she may extend it to adult shoppers. (Unfortunately, this only works in a village where everyone knows everyone.)
– “Daily Mirror”
• A pair of suspects arrested on suspicion of stealing $8 million-worth of jewelry in Berlin, Germany has been released after police failed to prove which one did it. 27-year-old twin brothers had been accused of the heist at Europe’s largest department store, but while the court deduced that at least one took part in the caper, the trace evidence failed to prove which … because their DNA is virtually identical. (Just when we need him, ‘Grissom’ has retired!)
– “Daily Telegraph”

BS CHRONOMETER 03.20.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [70] Brian Mulroney, Baie Comeau QC, Prime Minister of Canada 1984-93/reality TV show personality (“The Next Great Canadian Prime Minister”)/father of “eTalk” host Ben Mulroney

1948 [61] Bobby Orr, Parry Sound ON, hockey player agent/NHL player 1966-79/Hall of Fame NHL defenceman (Boston Bruins)/greatest hockey player of all-time?

1950 [59] William Hurt, Washington DC, movie actor (“Into the Wild”, Oscar-“Kiss Of the Spiderwoman”)

1957 [52] Spike (Shelton) Lee, Atlanta GA, movie director (“Inside Man”, “Malcolm X”)/movie producer (“When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts”)/movie actor (“Do the Right Thing”)

1958 [51] Holly Hunter, Conyers GA, TV actress (‘Grace Hanadarko’ on “Saving Grace” since 2007)/movie actress (“Thirteen”, Oscar-“The Piano”)

1976 [33] Chester Bennington, Phoenix AZ, rock singer (Linkin Park-“What I’ve Done”, “Numb”)

1982 [27] Nick Wheeler, Stillwater OK, rock guitarist (All-American Rejects-“Gives You Hell”, “Dirty Little Secret”)

1986 [23] Lady GaGa (Stefani Germanotta), Yonkers NY, pop singer (“Poker Face”, “Just Dance”)

SATURDAY –
Movie actor Gary Oldman (“The Dark Knight”) is 51; Movie/stage actor Matthew Broderick (“The Producers”) is 47; Actress/comedian Rosie O’Donnell (ex-“The View”) is 47; Celebrity dad Kevin Federline (Britney’s ex-) is 31; Rock singer/guitarist Deryck Whibley (Sum 41) is 29.

SUNDAY –
Movie/TV actor William Shatner (“Boston Legal”) is 78; CNN news anchor Wolf Blitzer (“CNN Situation Room”) is 61; Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber (“Phantom Of the Opera”) is 61; NBC sportscaster Bob Costas (“Football Night in America”) is 57; Movie actress Reese Witherspoon (“Walk the Line”) is 33; Rapper MIMS (“This Is Why I’m Hot“) is 28.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Extraterrestrial Abductions Day”, honoring all wackos who claim they’ve been kidnapped by aliens.
• “First Day of Spring”, after the new season officially arrives in the Northern Hemisphere with the Vernal Equinox this morning at 7:44 am EDT.
• “Nowruz” (“New Day”), the Persian New Year. The date is determined by the solar calendar and begins on the First Day of Spring. The festival lasts 13 days.
• “Proposal Day”, when both men & women are encouraged to pop the big question.
• “Single Parents Day”, honoring those who have the fortitude to be sole provider for their families.
• “Snowman Burning”, the 38th annual at Lake Superior State University in Sault Sainte Marie MI, a celebration at high noon that includes the reading of poetry and doggerel heralding the end of Winter, followed by the effigy burning of a snowman … and lots of heavy-duty toasting.
NET: http://www.lssu.edu/snowman
• “World Storytelling Day”, a global celebration of the art of oral storytelling, celebrated every year on March 20th.

SATURDAY –
• “Astrology Day”, celebrated annually on the first day of star sign Aries.
• “Children’s Poetry Day”, an annual celebration instigated by UNESCO.
• “Fragrance Day”, which either has to do with perfume or [co-host] after a workout.
• “Quilting Day”, celebrated annually on the 3rd Saturday of March to honor the old-fashioned art-form that’s becoming lost in our hi-tech society. Check out the prices on homemade quilts and you just might want to take up the craft. (Kind of a patched together observance, if you ask us.)
• “World Day for Elimination of Racial Discrimination”, an annual observance by the UN since 1966. (So how’s it working so far?)
• “World Down Syndrome Day”, the 3rd annual to raise public awareness of the syndrome resulting from the triplication of the 21st chromosome. (The reason it’s on 3/21.)

SUNDAY –
• “As Young As You Feel Day”, a day to quit wallowing in worry about your chronological age and start feeling peppy! Remember, age isn’t important unless you’re a cheese.
• “International Goof-Off Day”, a day to do anything and everything … except what you’re supposed to be doing.
• “Mothering Sunday”, a celebration of motherhood throughout Europe, synonymous with the “Mother’s Day” celebrated in other countries in May.
• “World Water Day”, an annual UN observance highlighting the importance of access to safe drinking water.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1964 [45] TV game show “Jeopardy!” debuts, with Art Fleming as host (Alex Trebek now hosts the revival that began in 1984) SEE BULL’S BITS

1969 [40] ‘Big Bird’ debuts on “Sesame Street”, an 8′-2“ oversized Muppet for which Caroll Spinney provides the voice & puppetry, holding the 4-and-a-half-lb head up with his right arm

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1969 [40] John Lennon weds Yoko Ono in the UK territory of Gibraltar (the beginning of the end for The Beatles)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1897 [112] Yale beats Penn 32-10 in 1st known ‘Intercollegiate Basketball Game’ (the original ‘March Madness’)

2003 [06] In the early hours of the morning, the US and 3 other countries begin military operations in Iraq

2004 [05] Stephen Harper wins the leadership of the newly created Conservative Party of Canada, thus becoming the amalgamated party’s 1st-ever leader

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1999 [10] Hot air balloon piloted by Brian Jones of England & Bertrand Piccard of Switzerland completes ‘Nonstop Around-the-World Flight’

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] World Meteorological Day
[Mon] Chip & Dip Day
[Mon] Near Miss Day
[Tues] Chocolate Covered Raisin Day
[Wed] Pecan Day
[Wed] American Diabetes Alert Day
[Wed] Waffle Day
This Week Is … Act Happy Week
This Month Is … Music In Our Schools Month

BULL’S BITS

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BS ‘RADIO JEOPARDY’:
Just like on TV – you give the answers, your contestants must supply the questions. When they can’t, you fill in the zinger …
• The answer is ‘mace’.
[The question is: Why does Chris Brown cry during a date?]
• Old wives’ tale.
[What do cannibals find hard to digest?]
• Flyswatter.
[What do you call a sadistic tailor?]
• The answer is ‘what what?’
[What does a confused owl say?]
• Rosy red cheeks.
[What do you get when you squat on a rosy red fire?]
• The answer is ‘Britney Spears doing cartwheels’.
[What is blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette …?]
• The Orient Express.
[What do you call a drink made with soy sauce & prune juice?]
• Until he gets caught.
[How long does an insurance company CEO keep his job?]
• The answer is ‘In case he locks the keys in his car’.
[Why does [co-host] keep a coat hanger in his back seat?]
• The answer is Hugh Jackman, Marlboro, and Paula Abdul.
[Name a bloke, a smoke, and a complete joke.]
Get the ”Jeopardy” theme music here …
NET: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXGhvoekY44

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Celebrities are people who work hard all their lives to become well known, then wear sunglasses to avoid being recognized.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average person will do THIS 59 times in their life.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Take a vacation.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy.