BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
• Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel have fueled reports their relationship is in trouble after they failed to show for a promotional appearance at a casino opening in Shelbyville IN. The couple, dating since 2007, has recently been dogged by rumors they are close to a split.
– “Chicago Sun-Times”
• The half brother of Dane Cook (“My Best Friend’s Girl”, “Good Luck, Chuck”) has been indicted by Massachusetts grand jury on charges of stealing millions from the comedian/actor. 43-year-old Darryl McCauley has been charged with 8 counts of larceny over $250, forgery, and larceny by continuous scheme. Prosecutors say he stole the loot while being paid $12,500 a month as business manager for Cook’s Great Dane Enterprises.
– Associated Press
• “Grey’s Anatomy” actor TR Knight (‘Dr George O’Malley’) has been involved in a car accident after which 2 people required hospital treatment. Knight was making a left turn in an area of heavy construction in Hollywood CA when he collided with another vehicle. Knight was unhurt in the crash. (Missing another chance to appear in a hospital scene.)
– TMZ.com
• As expected, 54-year-old actor Bruce Willis has wed his 30-year-old model girlfriend Emma Heming in a ceremony attended by his ex-wife Demi Moore, her husband Ashton Kutcher, and Madonna. Vows were exchanged Saturday on Parrot Cay in the Turks & Caicos Islands, where Willis owns a home. (He was replaced by much younger stuntman for the honeymoon.)
– UsWeekly.com
• The producers of Tyra Banks’ “America’s Next Top Model” have created new rules for wannabes to avoid a repeat of the riot that broke out at a NYC casting call a week ago. There’s now no lining up before 6 am and only women competing for a part on the show can stand in line, unless they’re under 18. (And no running in the halls!)
–StarPulse.com
• Angelina Jolie’s first film role in a forgotten 1982 comedy is set for release 17 years after it was made. Jolie was just 4-years-old when she appeared alongside her actor-father Jon Voight in “Lookin’ To Get Out”, but her part was cut and the film only had a limited release. The recently discovered director’s cut of the film will debut at the “Sarasota Film Festival” in Florida next month, then get a DVD release June 20th. (Damn! Finally we get to see Jolie in a bathtub scene … but she’s only 4.)
– NewsBlogRadio.com
• “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell is sparing no expense renovating the $12-million Beverly Hills CA home he bought 2 years ago. Word has it he’s spent millions on the 2-story mansion, installing a solarium adjacent to the master bedroom with a full-length tanning machine and a smaller facial tanner. A report says he’s even allocated one room to ex-girlfriend Terri Seymour, whom he split with in November. Even though she has her own place 5 minutes away, snitches say she stays over once in awhile as they are still ‘really good friends’. (With privileges.)
– “Mail on Sunday”
• And yesterday actress Natasha Richardson was buried in a private family ceremony near her Millbrook NY home. On Friday her husband Liam Neeson, their 2 sons, members of her family and close friends like actor Matthew Modine and moviemaker Mike Nichols gathered for a wake at the American Irish Historical Society in NYC. The 45-year-old Tony Award-winning actress died at a Manhattan hospital from a head injury suffered while skiing in Québec.
– ABC News

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• Britney Spears – An official statement on her website says: “Despite rumors otherwise, at the moment Britney has no plans to collaborate with anyone in the near future at any of her upcoming performances.” That apparently includes the much-rumored appearance by Madonna at tonight’s Nassau Coliseum show in Uniondale NY.
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC) – The remaining celebrities (those neither injured nor voted off) compete in round 2 of  performances.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Aging alt-rocker Morrissey is on.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Brit indie band Bloc Party performs.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Clay Aiken – His website says the former “American Idol” runner-up-turned Broadway actor (“Spamalot”) will be appearing on the season finalé of “30 Rock” (NBC), slated for May 14th. (Claymates rejoice … both of them.)
• Leann Rimes – The country singer’s personal life just keeps getting more & more intriguing. After rumors she was having an affair with married actor Eddie Cibrian, her dancer-husband Dean Sheremet has been ‘outed’ by a woman claiming to be one of his cousins. (Would this make a great country song or what?)
• MIA – A week after denying reports that she’d named her new baby son ‘Ickitt’, it’s been confirmed the “Paper Planes” hitmaker has, in fact, named the child … ‘Ikhyd’ (different spelling, sounds the same). The baby’s full mouthful of a moniker, ‘Ikhyd Edgar Arular Bronfman’, has been revealed on his birth certificate.
• Michael Jackson – A source tells UK’s “Sunday Express” he hopes to have meetings about adopting another child while staying in Britain for his 50-date residency at London O2 Arena later this year. (Will there be a ‘Prince Michael III’?)
• Natasha Bedingfield – Saturday the 27-year-old Brit pop singer (“Pocketful of Sunshine”, “Unwritten”) wed businessman Matthew Robinson in Malibu CA at the Church Estates Vineyards overlooking the Pacific Ocean. About 150 guests attended the outdoor ceremony.
• R Kelly – South African court officials have now formally requested him to detail the full extent of his involvement in an alleged investment scam.
• Smashing Pumpkins – Billy Corgan is now the last Punkin’ standing as drummer Jimmy Chamberlin has become the latest to quit the band. (How annoying must this guy be?)

RECYCLE YOUR BOD:
About half of all crematoria in Britain are now participating in a recycling scheme being promoted by the trade organization Institute for Cemetery & Crematorium Management. Metal remnants such as nails, pins, and handles from coffins as well as prosthetic hips and other joints which survive the furnace after a body is cremated are being separated from the ashes and collected for reuse. (Isn’t it great to know that fork you’re using has been recycled?)
– BBC Radio

HOW TO TELL YOU’RE GETTING OLD:
Dr Donald Kausler, author of “The Graying of America”, suggests the following experiment to illustrate how far you’re getting along in years: First, try balancing on one foot for a minute. Then try balancing on one foot while reciting the alphabet. Finally, try it again while reciting the alphabet … backwards. The difficulty of each step increases greatly in proportion to your age. ([Co-host] is having trouble balancing on 2 feet while speaking.)
– “Memphis Commercial Appeal”

BEWARE OF ‘GUNG-HO GARDENING’:
Gardening after the long Winter break requires preparation similar to that of an athlete, experts in osteopathic medicine warn. Warming up is the key. Gardeners are encouraged to stretch before starting and to take regular breaks. Dr Ian Drysdale warns against rushing out to pick up a spade and start digging, noting that clinics experience a surge in gardening-related injuries and sprains in early Spring. The most common problems are lower back pain and ligament or joint strain. (If this sounds hard to believe, just try gardening for an afternoon.)
– “Medical News Today”

YOU COULDN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP:
• The crap you have to go through to make money! An Apex NC couple thought they’d been robbed when $400 in cash disappeared from their home. They only discovered the truth when Mom took the family dog for a walk and discovered bits of cash … in its poop. Kelley Davis has since washed the fragments off, hoping there’s enough of the money left to bring it to the bank.
– “New York Post”
• Never get a moose mad! That’s what one Prince George BC family has learned. A video of the incident shows the moose tramping around in snow outside the house before running at the door, which the owners slammed shut at the last moment. Conservation officers say the moose was probably upset by the family’s barking dog and their choice of scare tactic … an air horn.
– Canadian Press
• Shouldn’t security guards notice this? A van towed from the Federal Hill neighborhood of South Baltimore MD for accumulating 6 parking tickets turned out to be … a Secret Service vehicle. It was part of the security detail assigned to former first daughter Jenna Bush & her husband Henry Hager who’ve lived in the area for a year. The Secret Service agent in charge had to pay all fines before the van was released from the local impound lot.
– “Baltimore Sun”
• Talk about memory at your fingertips! A Finnish computer programmer who lost a finger in a motorcycle accident last Summer has replaced the digit with … a USB drive. After the finger was amputated he built his own prosthetic, which looks like a real finger until you peel back the nail to reveal a 2.0 gigabyte USB key. When using the flashdrive, he just leaves the finger in the computer slot, then he snaps it back on when finished.
– “The Telegraph”

DICTATORIAL DISH:
North Korea’s first pizzeria has opened in the capital, Pyongyang. Chefs were sent to Italy for training by leader Kim Jong-il, who decided that North Koreans should be able to try the world’s best foods. But it’s unlikely that many ordinary people will be able to eat in the new restaurant as North Korea is among the world’s poorest countries, relying on international aid to feed its people. Only a few wealthy elite can afford a more luxurious lifestyle. (It comes in 20 minutes or … the delivery person dies.)
– Magazine Monitor

EYE OPENERS:
What keeps us awake? A recent Gallup Poll finds 33% of us toss and turn worrying over work; 31% fret about family; and 30% can’t sleep because they’re anxious about money. What helps us fall asleep? 29% say soothing music, 18% of us read, and 17% finally knock themselves out by … making love. (Or you could try podcasts of [afternoon drive show].)
– “Globe & Mail”

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• In Britain, radio station studios are equipped with a special ‘Obit Button’ which will automatically illuminate to alert the on-air personality in the event of the death of Queen Elizabeth II or her son, heir to the throne Prince Charles. That’s the cue to switch to somber music.
• Queen Elizabeth I of England was no beauty queen. She wore horn-rim glasses, had false teeth, and was totally bald. (Maybe Charles won’t be the ugliest-ever monarch after all!)
– PopBitch.com

BS CHRONOMETER 03.23.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1968 [41] Damon Albarn, London UK, alt-rock singer/songwriter/producer (Gorillaz-“Feel Good Inc”, Blur-“Girls & Boys”, “Parklife”)

1976 [33] Keri Russell, Fountain Valley CA, movie actress (“August Rush”, “Mission: Impossible III”)/TV actress (“Felicity” 1998-2002)

1978 [31] Perez Hilton (Mario Lavandeira Jr), Miami FL, show biz & celebrity blogger (PerezHilton.com)/syndicated radio personality (“Radio Perez”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Chip & Dip Day”. While North Americans might pick ‘Sour Cream & Onion’ or ‘Salt & Vinegar’ chips, the top flavors for ‘crisps’ in the UK include ‘Roast Beef & Mustard’ and ‘Smoked Ham & Pickle’. The Swiss like ‘Paprika’, while Thais choose ‘Prawn’, and in Egypt ‘Kebab’ is popular. The best dip? ‘Hot Bean with Jalapenos’ … or is it?

• “Organize Your Home Office Day”, which could involve shovelling off your desk, buying new slippers, and/or mapping out the shortest route to the fridge. Ask people with home offices to call in the coolest things about working at home … and the worst.

• “World Meteorological Day”, an annual UN observance to promote understanding of how weather, climate, and water affects us all. For one thing, it seems to be our favorite topic of conversation. What overused weather clichés should be dumped? How about: “Mild, isn’t it?” (meaningless), “It’s nice out” (ditto), “Nice weather for ducks”, “It’s raining cats and dogs”, and the ever annoying “Hot [cold] enough for ya?”.
NET: http://www.wmo.ch/wmd/

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1743 [266] King George II invents the ‘Standing Ovation’ as he rises to his feet in appreciation of the first London performance of Handel’s “Messiah” (maybe he was just suffering from a case of numb-bum?)

1998 [11] “Titanic” wins a record-tying 11 Oscars at the 70th annual “Academy Awards”

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1999 [10] TLC releases the mega-hit single “No Scrubs”

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1912 [97] 1st ‘Dixie Cup’ (next day the 1st dentist says, “Take this, rinse and spit …”)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Chocolate Covered Raisin Day
[Wed] Pecan Day
[Wed] Waffle Day
[Wed] Sing Out Day
[Thurs] Make Up Your Own Holiday Day
[Thurs] Legal Assistants Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Bubble Blowers Week / Cleaning Week / Doctor-Patient Trust Week / Protocol Officers Week / Week of Solidarity with People’s Struggling Against Racism & Discrimination

BULL’S BITS

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BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 15 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS THINGS FOUND DURING SPRING CLEANING:
What have you dug up around the house that you’d forgotten you had? Perhaps …
• A box of useful 5-and-a-quarter-inch floppy discs.
• Vintage hairballs, courtesy of ‘Puff’.
• That copy of “Purple Rain” you were sure your girlfriend stole when she left … in 1992.
• A valuable collection of fridge mold … 10 years in the fermenting.
• Your stockpile of microwave popcorn from ‘Y2K’.
• A complete set of ‘Power Rangers POGs’ worth over $300 … 14 years ago.
• The OTHER pink sock you thought the dryer ate.
• Or maybe just … your hatred of Spring Cleaning?

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Whenever I finally get a grip on reality … the handles fall off.

U-PICK TRIVIA:
You’ve decided to kick your annoying habit of ‘rhinotillexomania’. What the heck is it?
a. Constant whistling.
b. Mouth breathing.
c. Picking your nose. [CORRECT. A study shows that 65% of rhinotillexomaniacs use an index finger, 20% use a pinky, and a talented 15% their thumb! Michael Jackson, on the other hand, uses a catalogue to pick his nose … “I’d like the 3rd one down on page 4, doc.”]

BS PHONE STARTER:
Who are currently the sexiest actor and the sexiest actress on TV? (A new “TV Guide” ranking picks Simon Baker of “The Mentalist” and Eva Longoria Parker of “Desperate Housewives”.)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Most people use about 15,000-to-16,000 of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Words per day.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The secret of selling yourself is to have a product you truly believe in.