Monday, March 29, 2021 – Edition: #6955

Sheet Happens!

BS SUBSCRIBER NOTE:
The Bull Sheet will not be publishing on Friday, April 2 to observe Good Friday. All subscribers will receive credit for the missed service day. The Bull Sheet will resume publication on Monday, April 5.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
★ ‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic fought hard to keep his husband from throwing in the towel on their marriage, and his lawyer says it worked . . .sort of. Dillon Passage announced on Friday that he and husband Exotic — who is serving a 22-year prison sentence — will be seeking a divorce after three years of marriage. Now, Exotic’s lawyer says he got an email from him, saying he had a heart-to-heart over the phone with Dillon , and Joe says Passage agreed to put the divorce on ice for now. Quote: “Me and Dillon have talked and we are not going to get in a hurry and get a legal divorce.” The two were married in 2017.
-TMZ, People
★ Sharon Osbourne is leaving “The Talk” after almost 11 years. Osbourne, one of the original hosts of the daytime staple, has been embroiled in controversy since she defended her friend Piers Morgan’s takedown of Meghan Markle following her and Prince Harry’s explosive sit-down with Oprah Winfrey earlier this month. In a statement, CBS said: “Sharon Osbourne has decided to leave The Talk…As part of our review, we concluded that Sharon’s behavior toward her co-hosts during the March 10 episode did not align with our values for a respectful workplace.” The Talk will return from hiatus without Osbourne on April 12.
-Yahoo
★ Another Meghan Markle biography is in the works and it likely won’t be for the faint of heart. Tom Bower has signed a deal to write an unofficial bio on the Duchess of Sussex. He is known for no holds-barred books on Richard Branson, Tony Blair and Simon Cowell, as well as a 2018 Prince Charles bio. Bowers apparently intends to talk to associates, friends and enemies of Markle. Conversations with former Palace staff are also expected, particularly in the wake of the bullying allegations put forth by some.
-MSN
★ “Ally McBeal” could be headed back to TV. Ideas about a possible revival of the legal comedy-drama series, which became a pop culture phenomenon, are being bounced around 20th TV, which would produce. Original series creator David E. Kelley is expected to be involved, but likely not as a writer. Reportedly, Calista Flockhart, who starred in the original from 1997-2002, has been approached about reprising her role, but there have been no formal talks.
-Deadline

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/Global): Lil Rel Howery, Wyatt Russell, Jazmine Sullivan
• “The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/CTV): Eddie Murphy, Eve Hewson, the Kid Laroi (R)
• “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” (CBS/Global): Earvin “Magic” Johnson, Eric Andre (R)
• “Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC/CTV): Allison Janney, Rep. Cori Bush (R)
• ” The Late Late Show with James Corden” (CBS/CTV): Paul Bettany, Lennie James (R)
• “Conan” (TBS): Kyra Sedgwick (R)
• “The View” (ABC/CTV): Eddie Murphy (R)
• “Live with Kelly and Ryan” (ABC/CTV): Hugh Grant, Lenny Kravitz, Amy Goodman, Vanessa Hudgens
• “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (NBC/CTV): Elizabeth Berkley Lauren, guest host Mario Lopez
• “The Kelly Clarkson Show” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): Andy Cohen, Camilla Luddington, Melissa King, Rosé, Breland
• “The Drew Barrymore Show” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): Giada De Laurentiis, Chris Appleton
• “American Idol” (ABC): The remaining contestants perform for the first time with a band, vying for their spot in the top 24; the judges share a surprise twist.
• “The Voice” (NBC): The battle rounds begin as the coaches enlist music industry powerhouses Luis Fonsi, Dan + Shay, Brandy and Darren Criss.
• “Hall of Flame: Top 100 Comedy Central Roast Moments” (COMEDY): From Jewel’s scorching parody to Greg Giraldo’s legendary jabs, Roy Wood Jr., Jesus Trejo and more join honorary roastmaster Nikki Glaser to count down the top 100 roast moments of all time.
• “Running Wild With Bear Grylls” (NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC): Season 6 premiere
• “Race to the Center of the Earth” (NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC): Premiere. Four teams compete in the ultimate adventure race for $1 million.
• “NCAA Basketball Tournament” (CHECK LOCAL LISTINGS): Elite Eight action begins (2 games)

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Lil Nas X – After releasing the new single ‘MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)’ last week, he has revealed that his debut album, set to arrive this summer, is titled “Montero”. In an interview, he said it will contain 15-18 songs, and a deluxe edition will follow in the Fall. “Montero” is his given first name.
• Justin Bieber — has released six new songs for “Justice (Triple Chucks Deluxe)”. The original version came out March 19, but he has now teamed up with several musicians to add more songs, including ‘There She Go’ featuring Lil Uzi Vert, ‘I Can’t Be Myself’ with Jaden Smith, plus appearances by Quavo, DaBaby, and Tori Kelly.
• Wolfgang Van Halen — Fresh from speaking up for his father’s legacy after the Grammys’ brief Eddie Van Halen tribute, he has released 2 new songs.  The heavy, riff-rocker ‘Don’t Back Down’ (which had the working title “Sabbath”) and the melodic ‘Think It Over’ are the latest tunes from the self-titled debut of his one-man-band, Mammoth WVH.
• Bob Seger – appeared as a guest star on “The Simpsons” last night. In the teaser, ‘Homer’ and ‘Chief Wiggum’ can be seen talking to Seger with VIP laminates around their necks. Seger tells them: “Rock and roll never forgets.” Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally also had guest voice roles.
• Mötley Crüe, Def Leppard, Poison and Joan Jett – Their scheduled Sept. 4 show in LA has been postponed indefinitely, leading fans to question whether they will go ahead with the rest of this summer’s “Stadium Tour”. It was originally scheduled for last summer, but was delayed due to the pandemic.
• Kenny Chesney – will release a deluxe version of his “Here and Now” album on May 7. It will include 4 additional songs: ‘Wind On’, written by David Lee Murphy and Rodney Clawson, plus ‘Fields of Glory’, ‘My Anthem’ and ‘Streets’.
• Brantley Gilbert – On April 17, he will participate in three separate trail rides at Brimstone Recreation in Huntsville, Tenn., followed by a live show. Proceeds will support ACM Lifting Lives, the philanthropic arm of The Academy of Country Music, going directly to their COVID-19 Response Fund.
• Thomas Rhett — is going big to celebrate the release of his new album “Country Again, Side A”. On the record’s release day, April 30, he’ll play a livestreamed, full-band concert. “Thomas Rhett: One Night Only From Nashville” will begin at 7PM CT, via Veeps. VIP packages, which include a post-show Q&A, are also available.

SHOOTING THE BULL

A DOG’S LIFE:
Poland is planning to begin paying out pensions to retired state employees. That alone doesn’t sound all that revolutionary, until you consider the fact that in this case, the retired state employees we’re talking about are dogs and horses. The Interior Ministry has proposed legislation that would give these animals official status, and paid retirement to help cover the often-costly care bills their new owners face. Officials are calling the draft law a “moral obligation” which should get unanimous backing when presented in Parliament for approval later this year. The new law would affect the 1,200 dogs and more than 60 horses currently in service. As it stands now, when retirement time comes for the dogs and horses that serve in Poland’s Police, Border Guard and Fire Service, they are given away, with no safeguards for their future welfare.
(Great. Now, not only do we work like dogs around here, we also have worse benefits!)
(I’ve seen those police dogs. They don’t need a pension as much as they need paternity insurance!)
-CP24

SPECIAL OFFERS:
➢ Anyone who’s leaped into the world of spreadsheets knows how daunting “Excel” can be. But if you excel at Excel, you can make some big bucks. The Microsoft Office Specialist World Championship is a global competition that tests students’ skills on Microsoft Office Word, Excel and PowerPoint. To compete, you must be enrolled in an approved academic institution, and between the ages of 13-22. For the upcoming 2021 contest, the third-place winner will get $1,500, The second-place winner will receive $3,500, and the first-place winner nabs a whopping $7,500, a trophy, medal, certificate and other prizes supplied by Microsoft. (And shunned by the cool kids for the rest of their years at school!)
LINK: https://www.moschampionship.com/
➢ A website is offering $1,000 for a James Bond fan to watch all 24 official films in the 007 franchise to celebrate the upcoming release of “No Time to Die”. NerdBear.com, a “nerd culture” website, is searching someone to watch every James Bond 007 film, from 1962’s “Dr. No” to 2015’s “Spectre”. The chosen candidate will receive $1,000, a $100 Amazon gift card to rent the movies, and a $50 AMC gift card to go see the new Bond film when it is released. The 25^th film in the franchise, “No Time to Die” is scheduled to drop Oct. 8 (Sept. 30 in the UK), after being delayed multiple times since its original release date of November, 2019, several of those due to the pandemic. The lucky winner will be asked to watch all 24 films in 30 days and complete a “worksheet”. The application, which is available through April 16, asks candidates to explain why they are the right James Bond fan for the job.
(The problem is that after watching the first 24 films, you’d realize how stupid they are and never want to see another!)
(Sorry, Nerdbear, I must have accidentally completed my worksheet using ‘disappearing ink’!)
(I’d be so into this…but “Octopussy”)
LINK: https://nerdbear.com
-Unilad, UPI

SEXIEST BALD MEN:
Twitter was tearing its hair out Saturday as Prince William was named the “world’s sexiest bald man”, rather than Stanley Tucci. After conducting a study of Google trends, cosmetic surgery specialists “Longevita” added the title to the future king of England’s resume. The term “sexy” was used 17.6 million times in search results for the 38-year-old. The Oscar-nominated Tucci didn’t even make the list. Here is the rest of the top 10…
2. Mike Tyson 8.8 million ‘sexy’ mentions
3. Jason Statham 7.4m
4. Pitbull 5.4m
5. Michael Jordan 5.3m
6. Floyd Mayweather 4.3m
7. John Travolta 3.8m
8. Bruce Willis 3.3mm
9. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson 2.6m
10. Vin Diesel 2.3m
Russian President Vladimir Putin just missed the top ten, with 2.2m ‘sexy’ mentions, and “Star Trek” icon Patrick Stewart got 1.1m. Here are some flabbergasted reactions from Tucci fans:
• “Stanley Tucci I will avenge you.”
• “Did Stanley Tucci die?”
• “It’s like 10000:1 for every person who specifically wants Stanley Tucci to feed them prosciutto with his fingers while holding sustained eye contact vs. every person who has ever had even an involuntary sexual thought about Prince William.”
(Who would YOU add to the list?)
(I’d be there, but I don’t qualify. I mean, yes, I’m certainly bald. But I’m not sexy!)
-NYPost, TheSun

DID YOU KNOW?
Ever notice that pretty much every yellow school bus has a series of black stripes along its sides? Those aren’t just there for the look. Those markings can help first responders in an emergency. One line marks the floor of the bus. Another marks the bottom of the seats. And the top line shows the top of the seats. In the event of an accident, those black lines give emergency responders an idea of where to cut, in order to remove children as safely as possible.
-Yahoo

BS CHRONOMETER 03.29.21

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [78] Eric Idle, South Shields England, comedian, actor, voice actor, author, singer-songwriter (member of the ground-breaking Monty Python comedy troupe/writer-singer of their classic ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’/writer of the hit Broadway musical “Spamalot”)

1947 [74] Bobby Kimball, Orange Texas, rock singer (Toto 1977-84, 1998-2008-‘Africa’, ‘Rosanna’)

1959 [62] Perry Farrell, Queens NY, rock singer (Jane’s Addiction-‘Been Caught Stealing’, Porno for Pyros-‘Pets’)/“Lollapalooza” founder (1991)

1964 [57] Elle Macpherson, Killara Australia, model (nicknamed “The Body” by members of the press and fashion industry, 5-time Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model)/movie actress (“Batman and Robin”, “Friends”)/TV host (“Fashion Star”, “Britain and Ireland’s Next Top Model”)

1968 [53] Lucy Lawless, Mount Albert New Zealand, TV actress (“Xena: Warrior Princess” 1995-2001, “Battlestar Galactica” 2005-2009)

1971 [50] Lara Logan, Durban South Africa, TV correspondent (“60 Minutes” 2005-18)

1980 [41] Chris D’Elia, Montclair NJ, comedian (“Whitney” 2011-13)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Holy Monday”, takes place on Monday of Holy Week, occurring the day after Palm Sunday, and six days before Easter.

• “Mom & Pop Business Owners Day”, honoring family-run, small-time business operations. (***Ask listeners for the most unusual combination of services offered by a single business that they’ve come across, ie: “Sam’s Roofing & Dry Cleaning”…***)

• “Smoke & Mirrors Day”, The name is based on magicians’ illusions, in which they make objects appear or disappear by extending or retracting mirrors amid a confusing burst of smoke. Generally, ‘smoke and mirrors’ may refer to any sort of presentation in which the audience is intended to be deceived. (A press conference, for instance.)

• “Vietnam Veterans Day”, The last US troops left Vietnam 48 years ago today, in 1973. In 1971, at the height of the conflict, some 33,000 soldiers deserted, many moving to Canada.

• “Knights of Columbus Founders Day”, the world’s largest Catholic fraternal service organization. Founded by Father Michael J. McGivney in New Haven, Connecticut, in 1882, it was named in honor of explorer Christopher Columbus.

• “National Lemon Chiffon Cake Day”, the recipe for chiffon cake debuted in a 1948 edition of Better Homes and Gardens. General Mills marketed it as “the first new cake in 100 years” and it quickly became a sensation. The secret recipe called for vegetable oil instead of butter or shortening, and instructed the baker to beat the egg whites and egg yolks separately.

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Doctors Day
[Tues] Pencil Day
[Wed] Farm Workers Day
[Wed] “She’s Funny That Way” Day
This Week Is…National Cleaning Week
This Month Is…Social Work Month

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1987 [34] Prince is named ‘Worst Actor’ and ‘Worst Director’ for “Under the Cherry Moon” at the Golden Raspberry Awards. The film also earns Razzies for ‘Worst Picture’ (tied with “Howard the Duck”), ‘Worst Supporting Actor’ (Jerome Benton), and ‘Worst Original Song’ (‘Love or Money’)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
2009 [12] Nickelback rules Canada’s Juno Awards, winning ‘Album of the Year’, ‘Group of the Year’, and the ‘Fan Choice Award’

2019 [02] 17-year-old Billie Eilish releases her debut album “When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?”, which debuts at #1 in America

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
2004 [17] Ireland becomes the first country to ban smoking in all workplaces, including bars and restaurants

2008 [13] 35 countries and more than 370 cities join in “Earth Hour” for the first time

2014 [07] The first same-sex marriages in England and Wales are performed

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1990 [31] The ‘World’s Largest Yo-Yo’ goes up-and-down 12 times while suspended from a 160-foot crane (built by a Jasonville, Indiana high school woodworking class, it measures 6-ft in diameter and weighs 820 lbs)

BULL’S BITS

BS WHACK FACTS:
✓ Earth has the same amount of water today as it did 100 million years ago.
✓ Research shows that in terms of bite attacks against people, dachshunds, or wiener dogs, are more aggressive than pit bulls.
✓ A housefly’s taste buds (located on its feet) are 10 million times as sensitive as yours.
✓ A single bacterium can multiply into a million bacteria in a single day. (Wash your hands!)
✓ Carrots, parsley and celery are all members of the same plant family.
✓ Cookie Monster originally had pointy teeth.
-WhattheFFacts, BathroomReadersInstitute

BS PONDERABLES:
• If poison is past its expiry date, does it become no longer poisonous, or more poisonous?
• If you did something “like a boss”, you’d probably just pay someone else to do it.
• The only time “incorrectly” isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
• Which letter is silent in the word “scent”? Is it the “S” or the “C”?
• Do twins realize that one of them was unplanned?
• If you have a PhD, every meeting you go to becomes a doctor’s appointment.
• Why do we say “hair” when referring to lots of it, but we say “hairs” when referring to a few?
• How far back in history do you have to go before it’s considered archaeology rather than grave robbing?
• Ever notice that every time you clean something, you end up making something else dirty?
• The person who proof-read Hitler’s speeches was literally a grammar Nazi.
-SunnySkyz, AllinBooks

TODAY’S SCOOP OF BS:
➠ Miller Lite started selling a new ‘Bar-Scented Candle’, and the thing sold out in less than 24 hours. (Warning:  It smells like Beer, but doesn’t taste like it . . . I found that out the hard way.)
➠ The Miller Lite Bar-scented candle was just released, then sold out in less than 24 hours. (If you want your house to smell like a beer garden, there’s a good chance it already does…)
➠ Pokemon has just relaunched round two of their new clothing line. (It’s perfect for the guy who wants to dress up for a date he’ll never get.)
➠ Have you heard of TEXIT? Well, there’s a serious movement underway by residents in some parts of Texas who are trying to secede from the US and form their own country. (…proving that even Texas is embarrassed by Texas.)
➠ I just read a study that suggests that men with bigger feet cheat more. (They figured this out by adding up all the Clown Profiles on Tinder!)

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
• In what country is the Suez Canal?
a) Jordan
b) Egypt [CORRECT]
c) Libya
d) Bahamas

• What is a “coot”?
a) An aquatic bird [CORRECT]
b) An ancient piece of igneous rock
c) An appetizer
d) A wearer of suspenders

• What color were the first Easter eggs?
a) Blue
b) Brown
c) Red [CORRECT – to symbolize Jesus’ blood]
d) Magenta
-IceBreakerIdeas, TorStar

BS WEB GOODIE:
Get this dog to the Suez Canal immediately:  https://tinyurl.com/56kb9ze8

BS RANDOM JOKE:
My retirement plan is a slippery floor at Wal Mart.

BS PHONE STARTER:
What is the wildest thing that you’ve witnessed your neighbors do?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Question:  27% of men do THIS when they’re having a bad day. What is it?
Answer:  Break something

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
In the game of life, it’s a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.