Monday, May 13, 2002        Edition: #2295
Don’t you just love the smell of BS in the morning?

BS TITILLATING YET TOTALLY TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• Here’s the week’s breaking news stories, according to “Weekly World News” – “Archaeologists Find Prehistoric Hookers!”, “World’s Deadliest Survival TV Show — Cannibal Island!”, “How to Tell If Your Boss is Getting a Sex Change!”, “Hot New Style: Fake Mustaches for Women!”, and – don’t ya love it – “The Pope Beat the Devil Three Times!” (yeah, but did he cover the spread?).
• If you believe “Star”, soon-to-be 35-year-old Nicole Kidman broke off from filming her next movie “The Human Stain” in Montréal to rush home for a romantic weekend with 26-year-old ‘Spider-Man’ actor Tobey Maguire (nest robber!). By the way, she’s a strapping 5-10, he’s a shrimpy 5-7 (what is it with her and short guys?).
• “NY Post” says invitations have been sent out to celebrities for Liza Minnelli’s MAY 31ST opening night show in NYC. Many invitees are said to be miffed because these sure aren’t freebies – the price for the honor of witnessing her majesty’s attempt at a ‘Broadway comeback’ is $25,000 for a party of 10! (We smell a cancellation in the offing.)
• According to “National Enquirer”, Bill Clinton is embroiled in a secret love-child scandal. Seems Paul Pearson, who was married to Dolly Kyle Browning for 10 years while she carried on an affair with Clinton and gave birth to a son, agreed to spill the beans to the tab — for a fee, of course. (Well, what can you say about that except . . . [YAWN].)
• “PageSix.com” reports that J-Lo has just bought a waterfront mansion in Miami Beach for $9.5 million that features 8 bedrooms, 11 fireplaces and a view of Biscayne Bay. The 10,800 square foot peach-colored villa also has a pool, a gazebo, a dock large enough to accommodate an ocean-going yacht, and a 12-foot-high privacy wall. Only problem could be the screeching from next door — her hovel is sandwiched between the homes of Bee Gees brothers Barry and Robin Gibb.
• Ever had this happen during a contest? “People News” says Paul McCartney was driving in his car when he became frustrated with all the wrong answers being called in to a Beatles quiz on the radio. So Sir Paul called in with the correct answer himself! He then told DJ Chris Carter to give away the prize.
• “E! Online” says FOX-TV’s next edition of “Celebrity Boxing” MAY 22 will feature John Wayne Bobbitt vs Joey Buttafuoco, and former Chicago Bear William ‘The Refrigerator’ Perry against former basketball star Manute Bol. (Uh, these are ‘celebrities’?)
• And “Star” magazine quotes part-time rancher Russell Crowe as saying, “I enjoy the company of the cattle. I really enjoy the job of working the cattle. I really enjoy knowing them, running my hand over them.” (Alrighty then, we’re open minded.)

WHAT’S THAT?
Canadian baby boomers are losing their hearing faster than any previous generation according to the Hearing Foundation of Canada. Why? People in their 40s and 50s were the first generation raised on rock music, gas-powered lawn mowers, traffic gridlock and other everyday noise. (Note to self – invest beer bottle deposit money in hearing aid company.)

ANIMAL ESP:
A Cambridge University study suggests animals can communicate experiences to each other without direct contact, using something called ‘morphic resonance’. (For instance, after one has done it, no other sheep in a flock will agree to go ‘for a walk’ with an Albanian.)

DOG DECIPHERING:
A Japanese firm has unveiled a gadget which converts dog barks into human expressions of emotion. Toy-maker Takara is marketing the ‘Bowlingual’ device in Japan beginning in AUGUST for about $1200. It purportedly translates growls, barks and yelps into 6 human feelings. (I feel like I wanna sleep, I feel like I wanna eat, I feel like I wanna run in a circle like an idiot, I feel like I wanna chew your slipper, I feel like I wanna pee, I feel like I wanna hump your leg.)

MEMBERS ONLY MUSEUM:
Three men have come forward to bequeath their privates to the Phallological Museum in Reykjavik, Iceland. The museum’s unique collection of penises, the only one of its kind
in the world, already boasts 146 specimens including polar bear and sperm whale parts. After a recent plea for human donations, a German, a Brit and an Icelander have reportedly stepped forward to have their sexual organs immortalized in the museum — after they die, of course.

SOMETHING IN THE AIR:
YESTERDAY in London, England they premiered a new movie called “Thunderpants”, based on a children’s book about a kid who has supernatural powers — in the fart department. The premiere included an official world record attempt involving the audience — no, not that! — the record for the most people to simultaneously sit on whoopee cushions.

TOM BROKAW COULD USE ONE:
German scientists are developing a ‘bionic tongue’. It’s built from throat muscles and a device transmitting nerve signals to the new organ like a heart pacemaker. (And is guaranteed to give its owner an infallible pick-up line.)

EVER SEE A WINO WITH THE SNIFFLES?
Spanish researchers claim that people who drink 14 or more glasses of wine each week catch colds 40% less often than those who don’t drink alcohol at all. The results are not the same for participants drinking other types of alcohol because grape skins contain antioxidants called flavonoids which fight common colds. (Of course, being from Spain they had no reason to be biased in favor of wine.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
Only 30% of people can flare their nostrils. (The rest can only do it at a traffic light . . . with a finger.)

THE BULL SHEET 05.13.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1939 [63] Harvey Keitel, Brooklyn NY, tough-guy movie actor (“Pulp Fiction”, “The Piano”)  NEXT FILM: The “Silence of the Lambs” sequel “Red Dragon”, coming in OCTOBER

1950 [52] Stevie Wonder, Saginaw MI, oldies singer/songwriter with 16 Grammys (“Sunshine of My Life”)

1950 [52] Peter Gabriel, London ENG, classic rock singer (“Sledgehammer”)

1953 [49] Tom Cochrane, Lynn Lake MB, classic rock singer (“Life is a Highway”, “No Regrets”) SHOULD BE 14TH?????????? CHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1966 [36] Darius Rucker, Charleston SC, rock/pop singer (Hootie & the Blowfish-“Let Her Cry”, “Hold My Hand”) who was the hottest name in music in 1994-95, then virtually disappeared

1972 [30] Darryl Sydor, Edmonton AB, NHL defenceman (Dallas Stars)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY-Sunday the 21st annual “Canada-Wide Science Fair” in Saskatoon show off over 450 projects from students across the country. So what’s the weirdest science on display?
PHONER: 306-975-5685 (Joe Eley)/306-966-6412 (Chary Rangacharyulu)
NET: http://www.usask.ca/cwsf

TODAY an enamel urinal called ‘The Fountain’ is expected to draw a flood of interest at an art auction in NYC. It’s part of a collection of ordinary objects turned into art by the ‘father of conceptual art’ Marcel Duchamp. His ‘readymade’ creations from 1913 to 1920 included a floating hat rack, a coat rack nailed to the floor, and a bicycle wheel affixed to a kitchen stool. The complete set of all 14 ‘readymades’ is on sale and may go for more than $12 million. The urinal alone is expected to fetch upwards of $2.5 million. (Deodorant puck extra.)

TOMORROW is “International Online Romance Day”, when singles are encouraged to use the Internet to find a new friend and perhaps romance. (With an overweight, 60ish truck driver who’s married.)
PHONER: 919-878-9108 (Lorilyn Bailey, author of “The Little Book of Online Romance”-Raleigh NC)
NET: http://onlineromance.com

MAY is “Date Your Mate Month”, when you’re challenged to add some sizzle to your relationship by making a date with your spouse. (An overweight, 60ish truck driver.)
PHONER: 505-899-3121 (Rose Smith, Institute of Monogamy-Albuquerque NM)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1637 [365] 1st ‘table knife’, designed for Cardinal Richelieu of France (likely because he was a noted back-stabber — previously hunting knives were used at the dinner table)

1878 [124] ‘Vaseline’ 1st marketed (what’s the best thing you’ve ever used it for . . . er, make that what’s the SECOND-best thing you’ve ever used it for?) SHOULD BE 14TH??????

1904 [98] 1st Olympic Games held in America (St Louis) SHOULD BE 14TH????

1959 [43] 1st ‘Hula Hoop’ patented by AK Melin (immediately becomes a HUGE fad)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[1-week today] Victoria Day on the May 2-4 Weekend
[Tues] Dance Like A Chicken Day
[Wed] Cannes Film Festival opens
[Wed] Hug Your Cat Day
[Thurs] “Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones” opens
[Thurs] National Biographers Day
[Thurs] Employee Health & Fitness Day
[Thurs] Wear Purple For Peace Day
[Fri] 29th Daytime Emmy Awards
[Fri] Pack Rat Day
[Fri] National Bike to Work Day
[Sat] Visit Your Relatives Day
[Sat] American Armed Forces Day
[Sat] International Museum Day
[Sun] “The X-Files” series finale
[Sun] “Survivor: Marquesas” finale
[Sun] International Peace Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Transportation Week
Coach Recognition Week
Historic Preservation Week
National Nursing Home Week
National Police Week
Running & Fitness Week
S-S-S-S-Stuttering Awareness Week
National Etiquette Week
National Gamblers Week
National Pet Week
National Golf Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS EXCUSES FOR MISSING MOTHER’S DAY:
• Could not operate phone keypad due to hand irretrievably stuck in pickle jar.
• Ate entire Sara Lee cheesecake, fell asleep.
• Did not wish to encourage crass commercialism of yet another sacrosanct event.
• Calendar on wrong page, celebrated ‘Spay Your Cat Day’ by mistake.
• A maudlin insincere card simply does not adequately express innermost feelings.

THE CRYING GAME:
It is only ok for a real man to cry under the following circumstances –
• When a heroic dog dies to save it’s master.
• The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
• After wrecking your boss’s car.
• When the Habs lose in overtime.
• When your date is using her teeth.

BS SIZE MATTERS:
Q: What is the largest carnivore on land? For a clue, check the money in your pocket.
A: The polar bear. The largest ever recorded was a whopping 2,209 lbs (1 metric tonne) and measured 12 feet (4 m) long. The polar bear appears on the Canadian tooney.

Q: This planet is bigger than all others in the Solar System combined.
A: Jupiter.

Q: When North America was first settled, these animals grew to the size of bears.
A: Beavers.

Q: Scientists say these 2 parts of your body never stop growing.
A: Your nose and ears. (And, for that matter, the hair in your nose and your ears.)

FACT OR CRAP:
Two of the following are facts, the other one is pure BS. But which one?
1. A fertile otter is called a ‘spongy’. (BS)
2. A pregnant goldfish is called a ‘twit’.
3. A baby kangaroo is called a ‘joey’.

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What do you keep in the 3rd drawer of your kitchen?”
• “Where did you lose it?”
• “What’s the dumbest pet name anyone (partner, spouse, parent, sibling, etc) has ever called you?” (Julie Coleman, a researcher on the subject of pet names at Britain’s Leicester University, says many animals imitate infant sounds and behaviors in courtship rituals, and we’re doing the same thing when we give each other nonsense names like ‘schnookems’ and ‘poopsy-woopsy’.)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Some people must spend a lot longer doing this than you do because the average time people spend doing this is 6 minutes every morning.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Looking for their keys.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The brain is a wonderful organ — it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn’t stop until you get to work.

JUST LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
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