Thursday, May 31, 2001 Edition: #2067
TODAY is “World No-Tobacco Day”, as declared by the UN’s World Health Organization to encourage people to butt out. New StatsCan figures show Canadian smoking rates in 2000 declined in all age groups, reaching the lowest levels since monitoring began in 1965. Nova Scotia has the highest rate at 30%, BC the lowest at 20%.
YOU SHOULD CONSIDER QUITTING FOR THE DAY IF . . .
• You get winded flicking your Bic.
• You wear a nicotine patch to get you through to the next butt break.
• You’ve actually burned your nose on the stove when you couldn’t find a match.
• Your doctor measures your cough on the Richter Scale.
• At parties people sometimes mistake your fingers for Cheese Doodles.
• You smoke DURING sex.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Ireland is the latest to have a version of acerbic TV game show “The Weakest Link”, bringing the worldwide total to 40 countries (in France, does the host dismiss you with ‘B’jour’?) . . . 9 months after her public breakup with ex-partner and baby carrier Julie Cypher, 40-year-old rocker Melissa Etheridge has found a new galpal, 23-year-old Tammy Lynn Michaels, star of the WB sitcom “Popular” (they’ve already called up David Crosby and told him to get out his “Playboy” mags) . . . First there was buzz Jennifer Aniston was pregnant, now rumors abound that her “Friends” co-star Courteney Cox Arquette and hubby David Arquette are expecting (there’s gonna be some weird storylines next season!).
MOVIES IN THE MAKIN’:
Peter Fonda is reportedly prepping a sequel to the 1960s counterculture classic “Easy Rider”, which will be about the sons of his and Jack Nicholson’s characters (ahhh! ‘Son of Easy Rider’) . . . John Travolta’s tall salary demands have priced him out of reprising his role as gangster-turned-Hollywood-player ‘Chilli Palmer’ in the upcoming sequel to “Get Shorty” titled “Be Cool” (who should play the part — Nicolas Cage?) . . . Oscar-winning “Platoon” director Oliver Stone will revisit the Viet Nam War with the upcoming drama “Spite House”, the story of a soldier who’s captured just days before he’s scheduled to return home and held for 14 years.
THE NOSE GROWS:
On average people lie at least 15 times a day, according to “The Paranoid’s Handbook”. (Starts with the weather forecast in the morning.)
PREGGERS DRIVERS:
A new study reveals that pregnant women seem to drive better than other women. You might think it has something to do with them being more careful because they’re expecting a child. However, researchers say that’s not the case since the improved driving skills include parallel parking. (They suspect it may have something to do with a chemical reaction in the brain caused by the combination of ice cream and pickles.)
SUSSEX SALARY SUCKS:
A government-appointed commission is recommending a 40% pay hike for Jean Chrétien — a $78,388 raise! (The pay hike is required because the PM no longer gets free green fees at Grand Mere.)
HIS DOESN’T STINK:
Penn State physiologist Larry Kenney claims the sweat of a body cooling itself doesn’t stink, it’s another kind of sweat stimulated by emotions such as nervousness that smells and is excreted in the armpits, genitals, forehead, hands and feet. (In order to prove out his theory, we’d like to invite Mr Kenney to stick his head in a hockey equipment bag for an hour.)
OFFICE WORKOUT:
“Woman’s Own” magazine says you burn off calories doing everyday chores at work. In 15 minutes, you burn 31 calories walking to the water cooler, 26 calories sharpening pencils and 22 calories talking on the phone. (Yeah right, and you burn 82 calories lifting a meatball sub.)
WACKY WORLD NEWS:
• In France, a man who tried to extinguish the ‘eternal flame’ burning under the Arc de Triomphe by sitting on it has been treated in hospital for butt-burn. (It was the worst injury of its kind since the first Taco Bell opened in Paris.)
• A Brazilian university professor is recording a pop CD of his lessons sung to samba rhythms as an easy method of learning. Featured songs will include ‘Right of Property’, ‘Born as a Brazilian’ and ‘Naturalized Brazilian’. (If it sells well, his follow-up will be ‘Hip-Hop Trigonometry’.)
• Police in Sydney, Australia have detained a man suspected of using hypnosis in a series of robberies. Several store employees were apparently hypnotized, then persuaded to hand over cash. (He was questioned, released, and for the rest of the day the officers clucked like
chickens.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.31.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1923 [78] Prince Rainier III (Louis Henri Maxence Bertrand), ruler of Monaco/Grace Kelly’s widower
1930 [71] Clint Eastwood, San Francisco CA, film director (Oscar-‘Unforgiven”)/film actor (“Space Cowboys”)/1996 American Film Institute Life Achievement Award
1960 [41] Chris Elliott, NYC, comedian/movie actor (“There’s Something About Mary”, “Nutty Professor II: The Klumps”) NEXT FILM: “Scary Movie 2“, opening in JULY
1962 [39] Corey Hart, Montréal PQ, Cancon pop singer (“Never Surrender”, “Sunglasses at Night”)
1964 [37] DMC (McDarryl D McDaniels), Queens NY, rap artist (first ‘hardcore’ rap artists Run DMC-“Walk This Way”)
1965 [36] Brooke Shields, NYC, ex-TV actress (ex-“Suddenly Susan”)/ex-Mrs Andre Agassi
NOTE: She married boyfriend Chris Henchy in a secret ceremony in Palm Beach FL SATURDAY, according to the “NY Post”. Seems her previously announced wedding LAST MONTH on California’s Catalina Island was an elaborate hoax staged with mannequins to fake out a stalker, complete with photos sold to international magazines!
1971 [30] Monika Schnarre, Toronto ON, 6′-2″ model (‘Ford Supermodel of the World’ at 14)/movie actress (“The Peacekeeper”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Macaroon Day”, honoring those ooey-gooey coconut cookies that stick to your fillings. (A red letter day for dentists everywhere.)
TODAY is the 8th annual “Senior Health and Fitness Day”, promoting the value of fitness and exercise for mature adults. ‘Seniors Games’ are scheduled in several cities.
THIS WEEKEND the annual “Buffalo Chip Throwing Championship” hurls in Luverne MN. Do they come with dip on the side?
PHONER: 507-283-4061
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 “Survivor” reality series begins 3-month summer run on CBS-TV (Richard, Rudy, Susan, Sean, Colleen, Kelly, Greg & Gervase quickly become household names)
Q: The 2 tribes were named ‘Tagi’ and ‘Pagong’. What name did they take when they merged?
A: ‘Rattana’.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1870 [131] 1st ‘asphalt pavement’ (next day, 1st kid gets yelled at for tracking black goo all over the kitchen floor)
1990 [11] ‘Summer replacement’ TV show “Seinfeld” debuts (returns in January 1991 to become a full-blown hit, running through May 14, 1998)
1997 [04] 13-km ‘Confederation Bridge’ from Cape Tormentine NB to Borden PEI officially opens, finally joining Prince Edward Island to the mainland
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1976 [25] Guinness Record ‘loudest concert’ as The Who put out a total of 76,000 watts of power at 120 decibels (no wonder Pete Townshend is now partially deaf)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[June 17] Father’s Day
[June 24] Gay Pride Day
Bathroom Reading Week
Correct Posture Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Do you pay your kids for household chores? How much?” (A “Zillions” poll finds 80% of kids do SOME household chores for free. The average paid for car washing is $3, mowing the lawn $5 and babysitting $2/hour. [In my day if you cut the lawn, you got to stay another week.])
BS STAR INTERVIEW:
Check the local phone book for people with famous names in your area, then call them for ‘celebrity interviews’. Try some common names — you might find Ricky Martin, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Joe Clark, maybe Robert Blake?
BS TRIVIA:
Q: 323 years ago TODAY (1678) Lady Godiva rode a horse naked through the streets of Coventry, England. Why did she do it?
A: She was protesting taxes. (Not to give anybody any ideas or anything, but damn, taxes are high these days aren’t they?)
Q: Around 1700, insurance companies in England successfully sold policies that protected against this odd hazard.
A: Going to hell.
Q: What cities are at each end of the Trans-Canada Highway?
A: Victoria BC and St John’s NF.
BS TAG LINE:
I won’t say [your co-host] has bad breath, but he wears a Listerine patch.
