Wednesday, May 16, 2001 Edition: #2056
BS THINGS ON ROBERT BLAKE’S TO-DO LIST:
• Have name removed from credits of “In Cold Blood”.
• Ask Johnnie Cochrane what rhymes with ‘Mata Hari’.
• Locate witnesses who may have seen the ‘hit man’ on the grassy knoll.
• Teach the damn cockatoo to quit saying, “Look in the dumpster, look in the dumpster.”
• Ask O.J. to help find the real killer.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
REM’s Michael Stipe has come out of the closet to tell “Time” magazine he’s a ‘queer artist’ who’s been ‘in a relationship with an amazing man’ for 3 years (no really? I haven’t been this shocked since I found out Pam Anderson had implants!) . . . Pam Anderson, Cindy Crawford and Wynonna Judd have all reportedly taken up the new fad among celeb moms – freezing and storing your baby’s placenta, for good luck (“What’s this next to the chicken strips? You want burgers for dinner?”) . . . Rumor is Hef’s deaf – 75-year-old Hugh Hefner is showing signs of becoming hard-at-hearing (that’s nuthin’, when I was only 12 I went blind from reading his damn magazine) . . . Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit will direct the upcoming movie “Life Without Joe”, about a group of teen football players accused of running over a cat (subtitled “Pussy Flat, Pussy Flat, Where Have You Been?”).
GOLDEN MAN GIVES GOLDEN YEARS:
According to a new study published in YESTERDAY’S “Annals of Internal Medicine”, Academy Award winners live nearly 4 years longer on average than Oscar nominees. No wonder Katharine Hepburn just turned 94 SATURDAY — she’s the only actor with 4 of them babies! (The good news is — we won’t have Adam Sandler to kick around much longer.)
THE CHIN IS IN:
According to NYC plastic surgeons, the latest cosmetic surgery fad for men is the ‘chin implant’. The thinking seems to be that a strong chin like Arnold Schwarzenegger‘s or Michael Douglas’ gives a guy a more forceful appearance. Yeah, like Jay Leno is really intimidating. (This’ll never catch on in Canada — nobody wants a reminder of Brian Mulroney.)
VACUUM AWAY FLAB:
According to a new German study, housework can burn more calories than a session at the gym. In example, Marcus Loeffler of the Berlin Health Education Centre says just changing bed sheets can burn off 2 glasses of champagne-worth of calories. Even light dusting improves posture and reduces stress and stiffness, he claims. (Look for his new book, “I Lost 20 Lbs And All I Needed Was This Lousy Mop”)
THIS RECORD SUCKS:
A 17-year-old Halifax teen claims he has broken a world record by simultaneously stuffing 161 plastic straws in his mouth. (Robert Downey Jr holds a similar record, only he used his nose.)
CAUCUS RUCKUS:
TODAY’S scheduled Canadian Alliance Party caucus meeting in Ottawa may decide the fate of Stockwell Day. Last week, Alliance MP Chuck Strahl urged fellow critics in the caucus to “fish or cut bait” by today’s meeting. (Tomorrow’s headline: “The One That Got Away”)
THE BULL SHEET 05.16.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1953 [48] Pierce Brosnan, Navan IRE, movie actor (“The Tailor of Panama”, “The World Is Not Enough”, “Tomorrow Never Dies”) NEXT FILM: Will again play ‘007′ in the as-yet-untitled 20th James Bond film, due to open in 2002 (his last?)
1954 [47] Dafydd (Dave) Rhys-Williams, Saskatoon SK, NASA space shuttle astronaut (STS 90)
1966 [35] Janet Jackson, Gary IN, pop singer (“All For You”)/sometime actress (“Nutty Professor II: The Klumps”)/9th and youngest child in dysfunctional Jackson family
1971 [30] David Boreanaz, Buffalo NY, TV actor (Angel/Angelus-“Angel”)
1973 [28] Tori Spelling, Beverly Hills CA, bug-eyed, plastic-chested actress (“Scream 2″, ex-“Beverly Hills 90210″)/producer Aaron Spelling’s spoiled rotten daughter NEXT FILM: “Scary Movie 2″, opening JULY 4
1993 [8 in cow years] The Bull, Welland ON, show prep guru who’s lived out his dream of working in a bathrobe by doing hours of research every day to make you slobs sound good
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[BC] Provincial Election (which will elect the province’s first Liberal premier in 60 years, but remember — no matter who you vote for, the government wins)
TODAY is “International Wear Something Purple for Peace Day”, the first intergalactic holiday, as declared by a wacko group called ‘The Moderns’ who contend aliens will not communicate with Earth due to our violent nature.
TODAY is “Biographers Day”, a day to start reading or writing a biography. “The Weakest Link” host Anne Robinson is reportedly already writing her memoirs (after completing each chapter she yells ‘Bank!’). What would you call yours?
FRIDAY is “International Museum Day”. Here’s a few really weird ones for interviews . . .
• The new and expanded “Spam Museum” in Austin MN will soon open, complete with theater, gift shop, and interactive displays (eww, does that mean you have to eat the stuff?). Do they keep that clear jelly goo in a big vat or what?
PHONER: 507-433-4243 (Curator Charlotte Keller) or 507-437-5345 (Allan Krejci-VP PR)
NET:http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/MNAUSspam.html
• The “Bata Shoe Museum” in Toronto houses one of the world’s greatest collections of footwear. As most of it has presumably been used, doesn’t the whole joint stink? What are the largest, smallest, and most famous shoes on display?
PHONER: 416-979-7799
NET: http://www.mtarch.com/bsm.html
• Bob McCoy is founder of the “Museum of Questionable Medical Devices” in Minneapolis, a giant display of truly weird medical contraptions that were actually on the market such as — the ‘Nemectron Machine’ that uses metal rings to enlarge breasts, the ‘Ultraviolet Comb’ (with penile and anal attachments), ‘Acu-Dots’ magnetized bandaids, and the ‘GHR Electric Thermitis Dilator’ — a prostate warmer that plugs into a light socket (owww!).
PHONER: 612-379-4046 (museum) 763-545-1113 (office)
NET: http://www.mtn.org/quack/welcome.htm
• NYC’s “Museum of Sex”, or “MoSex”, claims to be the first museum devoted to sexuality. The $25-million museum has yet to be built at its chosen site of Fifth Avenue and 29th Street. In fact, it’s not scheduled to open until 2005. But it’s already planning it’s first show,”The History of Sexuality in New York”, to be housed in a temporary location and scheduled to open in SEPTEMBER.
PHONER: 212-308-5991 (Raphael Castoriano-Creative Director)
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Britney Spears’ “Oops . . . I Did It Again” album is released and sets 1-week sales record for female artists with 1.3 million copies, according to Soundscan
2000 Prince tells news conference he will go back to using his name instead of the unpronounceable symbol he adopted to ‘free himself from undesirable contracts’ (public responds with giant collective yawn)
2000 Hillary Rodham Clinton is nominated to run for US Senator in New York, becoming first US First Lady to run for public office
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1965 [36] ‘Spaghetti-Os’ 1st marketed (pink goo in a can)
1995 [06] 1st ‘on-line interview’ of a Canadian PM (Jean Chrétien at “Maclean’s” Website)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Pack Rat Day (what’s the strangest thing you refuse to throw out?)
[Fri] National Bike to Work Day (especially if you’re a Hell’s Angel)
[Sat] Preakness Stakes (most spectacular display of horse flesh this side of a UK restaurant)
[Mon] Victoria Day (aside from Canada Day, the only exclusively Canadian holiday)
National Emergency Medical Services Week
National High Blood Pressure Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS QUICK PICKS:
• What’s the most common suffix for Web domain names — .com, .net, or .edu? (According to new stats from Capitol Research, there are now over 32 million .com sites [about 29 million of which are losing money], compared to 22 million .net sites, and 6.5 million .edu sites. Japan leads country suffixes with almost 3 million .jp sites.)
• The first of these vehicles, built in 1903, used a tomato can for a carburetor — the Harley Davidson motorcycle, the Ford Model T, or the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile? (The first Harley.)
• If you’re average, you’ll buy 7 of these in your life – houses, TVs, or diamonds? (TVs.)
• Who is the ‘Stanley Cup’ named after — Allan Stanley, Frederick Stanley, or Stan Mathers? [The Stanley Cup, emblematic of hockey supremacy in North America, was donated in 1893 by the Governor-General of Canada at the time, Sir Frederick Arthur Stanley, the 1st Baron Stanley of Preston and 16th Earl of Derby [and ‘Grand Poo-Bah’]. The original cup cost about 48 bucks.)
• Which was first offered as an option on 1968 Buicks — cruise control, 8-track tape players, or sun roofs? (8-track tape players. Crank up the Zeppelin, dude!)
BS TAG LINE:
Always take time to stop and smell the roses — and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
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