Friday, May 11, 2001 Edition: #2053
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A MOTHER WHEN:
• Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking any body fluids on you.
• Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
• Peanut butter and jelly is eaten in at least one meal a day.
• You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.
• You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it’s the only one your child eats.
• When the baby’s pacifier falls on the floor, you suck the dirt off because you’re too busy to wash it.
• You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.
• You’re so desperate for adult conversation you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU.
• You can’t bear to give away baby clothes — it’s so ‘final’.
• Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
• You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW is the 2-hour series finale of Chuck Norris’ “Walker, Texas Ranger” after 203 shoot-em-up, beat-‘em-up episodes (it survived 8 years by delivering a male audience on a tough night of the week) . . . SUNDAY at the Cannes Film Festival, a “Lord of The Rings” bash in a chateau will compete for lavishness with Hugh Hefner’s 75th birthday party on a yacht (the “Rings” party features ‘The Fellowship’ while Hef’s is on an all female ship) . . . Word is CNN may be wooing Bill Clinton to add some excitement, controversy and star power to the network (not to mention some much needed ratings) . . . Jamie Lee Curtis has committed to star in “Halloween: The Homecoming”, the 8th pic in the horror series and the 4th she’s appeared in (scheduled to open, when else?, this Halloween) . . . Tom Cruise has reportedly hired a guru who trains him to handle stress through yoga and meditation (what he really needs is a sharp lawyer to handle the divorce).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Up & coming Australian actor Heath Ledger masquerades as a knight at jousting tournaments in the Middle Ages romance “A Knight’s Tale”, featuring a stoked up soundtrack of modern rock tunes . . . Latin music is at the heart of the performance documentary “Calle 54″, featuring Tito Puente, Eliane Elias & Gato Barbieri.
SETTING THE STATUS OF WOMEN BACK 50 YEARS:
TONIGHT models Elle Macpherson & Naomi Campbell host the 50th annual “Miss Universe” pageant in Puerto Rico. This year’s meat parade has some interesting twists . . .
• “Miss Israel” has announced she’ll be wearing a bulletproof vest under her costumes. (Her talent is dating Eminem.)
• Officials discounted rumors Miss France, Elodie Gossuin, was born a man after he/she/it was fitted for the swimsuit competition. (Easy test — if she shaves her armpits, she ain’t no ‘Miss’. After all, she’s from France!)
• Pageant officials will add a new rule next year that stipulates a “Miss Universe” contestant must be a ‘natural woman’. (Oh gawd — I just pictured Aretha Franklin in a bikini.)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• After being admitted to a hospital suffering stomach pains, a teenage boy in Nairobi, Kenya has found out he is actually a she and the pains are menstrual cramps. (He’s already been signed to represent Kenya in next year’s “Miss Universe” pageant.)
• YESTERDAY a UK couple became the first to get married on the ‘London Eye’, the world’s biggest Ferris wheel 450 feet above the banks of the Thames River. British Airways, which owns the ride, charged them $2,400 to rent one of the wheel’s 32 glass capsules. (Barf bags extra.)
• There’s apparently a big problem with people being buried alive in Brazil, so a Sao Paulo inventor has come up with a motion sensor that sounds an alarm when it detects even the slightest movement inside a coffin. (The alarm triggers a voice recording that screams, “I never signed the will, you bastards!”)
BS SHOCKING FACT:
There are now over 120 million mobile phones being used in North American vehicles. Experts estimate that mobile phone use may be a factor in over 1.6 million accidents per year.
THE BULL SHEET 05.11.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955 [46] Mark Herndon, Springfield MA, country singer (Alabama-“God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You”)
1963 [38] Natasha Richardson, London ENG, movie actress (“The Parent Trap”, “Nell”)/Mrs Liam Neeson/daughter of actress Vanessa Redgrave
1974 [27] Mike Rathje, Mannville AB, 6-5″, 235-lb NHL defenceman (San Jose Sharks)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1907 [94] Katharine Hepburn, Hartford CT, 12-time Oscar nominee/only actress to win 4 Oscars
1921 [80] Farley Mowatt, Belleville ON, wildlife author (“Never Cry Wolf”, “Owls in the Family”)
1935 [66] Felipe Alou, Haina DR, MLB manager (Montréal Expos)
1948 [53] Steve Winwood, Great Barr ENG, classic rock musician (“Higher Love”, “Roll With It”)
1955 [46] [Leon] Kix Brooks, Shreveport LA, country singer (Brooks & Dunn-“Ain’t Nothing `Bout You”)
1961 [40] Ving Rhames, NYC, movie actor (“Mission: Impossible I & II”, “Out of Sight”)
1962 [39] Emilio Estevez, NYC, film actor (“Mighty Ducks” series)/Martin Sheen’s son
1978 [23] Jason Biggs, Pompton Plains NJ, movie actor (“American Pie I & II”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
The 51st annual “Canadian Tulip Festival” (the world’s largest with over 3 million blooms) opens in Ottawa-Hull TODAY-May 21st. NET: http://www.tulipfestival.ca/english.html
TODAY is “Eat What You Want Day”, to fight our obsession with being thin.
TOMORROW is “Limerick Day”, celebrated on the birthday of Edward Lear (1812), the author of the ‘bible of limericks’, “The Book of Nonsense”. Follow this link for some ‘Loony Limericks’, both naughty and nice – NET: http://home.earthlink.net/~kristenaa/
The 2nd SUNDAY in May is “Mothers Day” in Canada, the USA, Australia, Denmark, Finland, Italy, Turkey and Belgium. Some 125 million phone calls are made to North American moms and more North Americans eat out on “Mothers Day” than any other special occasion.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Julianna Margulies makes her final appearance on “ER” as ‘Carol Hathaway’ (George Clooney returns in an unannounced surprise cameo to say one line)
2000 Population of India crosses the 1 billion mark (the UN Population Division predicts world population may reach 11 billion in 2050 and just 6 countries will account for half of the growth – India, China, Pakistan, Nigeria, Bangladesh and Indonesia)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
2181BC [4182] 1st ‘chair’ is purportedly invented
1984 [17] ‘Canadian Security Intelligence Service’ [CSIS] created
1998 [03] 1st ‘euros’ are minted in France for European Union
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] National Dance Like A Chicken Day
[Tues] Canadian Census Day
[Wed] BC Election (so long NDP!)
Golf Week
National Self-Help Book Week (‘How to Relax and Let Your Lawn Grow’)
Foot Health Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHAT MOM WANTS:
• 57% of mothers in a nationwide poll say the best “Mother’s Day” present they could receive is a day alone with their family without any other obligations.
• 45% would like to go out for dinner on Mom’s Day.
WHAT MOM GETS:
• 57% receive flowers.
• 48% get dinner.
(Source: National Retail Federation, “Redbook”)
WHAT MOM SHOULDN’T GET:
• The Remington Facial Hair Removal Kit.
• The “Cooking for Dummies” cookbook.
• Directions to Dad’s girlfriend’s house.
• Invitation to join you on the “Jerry Springer Show”.
BS TAG LINE:
If I had a dime for every time my mother said: “You’re an adult. You need to run your own life”, well then by God, I’d have a dime!
BS BOUNTY HUNTERS!
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