Tuesday, May 8, 2001 Edition: #2050
TODAY is “National Teacher’s Day”, a highlight of “Teacher Appreciation Week”, a good time to remember that your favorite teacher was not necessarily your best teacher.
BS TEACHER’S COMMENTS FOUND ON [YOUR CO-HOST’S] OLD REPORT CARDS:
• Perhaps [your co-host] has been working with glue too much.
• Forget about handing in the term project. Save it for next year, Genius.
• This student can look forward to a bright future — as a fry cook.
• The F in math is regrettable, but man, that is one tight little body!
• It’s hard to believe the sperm that created [your co-host] beat out a 100,000 others.
• Little [your co-host] is this class’s weakest link. G’bye!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT Nelly Furtado sings “I’m Like A Bird” in a guest shot on TV sci-fi drama “Roswell” (by now, only aliens haven’t heard it — 10,000 times) . . . TODAY‘S CD releases include “Peppers & Eggs”, the 2nd soundtrack CD from “The Sopranos”, and “Wingspan”, a 2-disc, 40-track retrospective of Wings tunes handpicked by Paul McCartney (‘cause he needs the money) . . . Michael Jackson is reportedly selling off the Beatles catalogue, asking a whopping $500 million for the rights to 251 Beatles songs for which he paid about $50 million back in 1985 (will billionaire Paul buy ‘em back?) . . . Here’s the vital stats observed at George Clooney’s 40th birthday bash on the weekend — 75 partygoers (including girlfriend Lisa Snowden, best bud Mark Wahlberg & superbod Rachel Hunter), 100 bottles of Dom Perignon, 20 cases of wine, and several crates of beer (by Monday he had return to “ER”) . . .“The Weakest Link” may be sinking in the ratings, but word is TV’s ‘Queen of Mean’, Anne Robinson, has become the new icon for gays, thanks to her black leather outfits and what a Miami magazine columnist calls ‘the bitch factor’.
TODAY’S DVD & VIDEO RELEASES:
Mel Gibson plays a chauvinistic executive who develops the power to hear everything women are thinking in the romantic comedy “What Women Want”, co-starring Helen Hunt and Marisa Tomei . . . Geoffrey Rush received a ‘Best Actor’ Oscar nomination for his portrayal of the Marquis de Sade in the drama “Quills”, co-starring Kate Winslet as the asylum laundress who smuggles his pornographic plays out to the public.
STYLE STATEMENT:
“Wall Street Journal” reports a new fashion trend may be in the making — the popularity of ‘cosmic bowling’ (aka ‘disco bowling’) has apparently led to a dramatic increase in the theft of – bowling shoes. (Now, if I could only find a red-and-black suit . . .)
WEIRD SCIENCE:
• American scientists say it is now possible to grow brain cells harvested from dead bodies. (It’s part of a corporate conspiracy to create more working stiffs.)
• A new study in “New Scientist” finds that women stay in monogamous relationships for security while men stay in them for sex. (There are men who think staying married guarantees sex? They must be getting their brain cells from dead bodies!)THE BULL SHEET 05.08.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [75] Don Rickles, NYC, acerbic comic (‘Mr Warmth’)/film actor (‘Mr Potato Head’-“Toy Story”)
1955 [46] Alex Van Halen, Nijmegen NETH, rock drummer (Van Halen -“Jump”)/Eddie’s brother
1975 [26] Enrique Iglesias, Madrid SPA, pop singer (“Rhythm Divine”, “Bailamos”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “No Socks Day”, when we’re encouraged to avoid wearing socks to feel less encumbered and help the environment by creating less laundry. (What about the increased air pollution from smelly sneakers?)
TODAY is “World Red Cross Day”, celebrating the birth of International Red Cross Movement founder Jean Henry Dunant in 1863.
THIS WEEK is the 86th anniversary of “Be Kind to Animals Week”, celebrating the importance of animals in our lives and promoting proper pet care.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1642 [359] Paul de Chomedy de Maisonneuve founds ‘Ville-Marie’ (Montréal)
1886 [115] Atlanta pharmacist Dr John Pemberton introduces ‘Coca-Cola’, the name coming from his bookkeeper who writes it out in the now famous script style
1987 [14] Canada’s 1-dollar coin is introduced (‘looney’, ‘loonie’ or ‘loony’ — how do YOU spell it?)
1994 [07] Luc Robitaille’s shootout goal and Bill Ranford’s heart-stopping save vs Finland give Canada its first World Hockey Championship since 1961
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1995 [06] NY Ranger Mark Messier becomes 3rd NHL player to reach 100 playoff goals (joining Wayne Gretzky and Jari Kurri)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Canadian Census Day
[Wed] National Third Shift Workers Day
[Fri] Eat What You Want Day
Canadian Forestry Week
Better Hearing Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
TRUTH OR BS?
• The world’s most prolific mother had 69 children. [True! According to the “Guinness Book of World Records”, the Russian mom’s brood included 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets.]
• “Whistler’s Mother” is not the actual title of the famous painting by James Whistler. [True, it’s “Arrangement in Grey and Black: Portrait of the Painter’s Mother.”]
• Studies show that most true/false tests contain more false answers than true answers. [BS. When in doubt, guess true. You have more than a 50% chance of being right.]
• The average person uses the word ‘no’ 22 times per day. [It’s true. So don’t be a naysayer!]
• The North Pole is located in Canada. [BS. According to Canadian External Affairs, no country has ever tried to prove legal ownership as it’s in the Arctic Ocean and usually covered with drifting pack ice.]
BS TAG LINE:
There is nothing wrong with sex on television, just as long as you don’t fall off.