Friday, May 26, 2000 Edition: #1816
ACTUAL RECENT TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Cannibals order pizza — then eat the deliveryman!”
• “Dentist kills werewolf by giving him silver fillings!”
• “First-ever dog sex change!”
• “Frozen teddy bears prevent asthma attacks!”
• “Farmer suffers heart attack & rides cow 5 miles for help!”
• “Woman trapped under utility pole chews off arm to escape!”
• “NASA finds alien ‘port-a-potty’ on the moon!”
• “Crazy crooks rob bank at skunk point!”
• “Chihuahua gets Great Dane pregnant!”
• “Dingbat jet-setters sniffing lizard poop to get high!”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Tonight sidekick Andy Richter does his last show with “Late Night” host Conan O’Brien (I’m sure I speak for us all in saying we’re gonna miss his, um – no, I guess we’re not) . . . The NY Knicks are sending a promotional video featuring celebrity endorsements from the likes of Jerry Seinfeld and Brooke Shields to some of the NBA’s top players in an attempt to lure big-name free agents to the team next season . . . “Graduation [Friends Forever]” singer Vitamin C (Colleen Fitzpatrick) will star in Wes Craven’s upcoming horror film “Dracula 2000″ (she’s not just cashing in on her hit record — she was an actress BEFORE a singer, having already done 9 films) . . . ‘Posh Spice’ Victoria Beckham says she wants at least 3 more children to create the ‘right atmosphere’ in her mammoth mansion (one to match the new carpet in the drawing room would be nice).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Jackie Chan plays a Chinese Imperial Guard who travels to the American wild, wild west to rescue a kidnapped princess in the chop-socky Western “Shanghai Noon” . . . Demi Moore (remember her?) stars as a woman who lives a double life in her dreams in the psychological thriller “Passion of Mind” (likely a flop the studio is tossing into the jaws of the “M:I-2″ beast).
AND HOW ABOUT ‘HIDE & SEEK’?
Britain’s Labour government wants to ban the kid’s game of ‘musical chairs’. A new government booklet claims the game ‘encourages aggression’. (They’re also looking into the game of ‘tag’, which encourages children to become civil servants.)
FASTER, STRONGER, NUDER:
This week’s special edition of Australia’s “Black & White” magazine featuring 29 of the country’s Olympic athletes is selling for a whopping $17 — because they’re all naked! (Includes giant fold-out of the ‘pole vaulter’.)
PUCKER PREREQUISITES:
According to a worldwide “Glamour” mag poll, the qualities that most often lead to a kiss are — ‘good looks’, ‘a winning smile’, ‘a positive attitude’, and ‘beautiful lips and teeth’. (Not to mention ‘a fat wallet’.)
TOFU LEADS TO DROOLING:
According to a new study in the “Journal of the American College of Nutrition”, too much tofu can be detrimental to your brain. Researchers say the more tofu eaten, the greater likelihood of mental decline years later. (Always thought anyone who would eat that crap was out of their mind.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.26.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [52] Stevie Nicks, Phoenix AZ, rock/pop singer (Fleetwood Mac-Silver Springs, Dreams)
1949 [51] Hank Williams Jr, Shreveport LA, country singer (Monday Night Football theme, Family Tradition)
1962 [38] Bobcat Goldthwait, Syracuse NY, comedian/actor (Hollywood Squares)/charged with arson after setting “Tonight Show” set on fire in 1994/cartoon voice
1964 [36] Lenny Kravitz, NYC, rock musician (American Woman, Are You Gonna Go My Way)
1966 [34] Helena Bonham Carter, London ENG, film actress (Fight Club, Howard’s End)
1968 [32] Phillip Rhodes, Tempe AZ, rock drummer (Gin Blossoms-Hey Jealousy)
1970 [30] Joseph Fiennes, Salisbury ENG, movie actor (Shakespeare in Love, Elizabeth)/brother of actor Ralph Fiennes
1975 [25] Lauryn Hill, South Orange NJ, pop/R&B singer (Everything Is Everything, Doo Wop [That Thing])
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [64] Louis Gossett Jr, Brooklyn NY, film actor (Oscar-An Officer & a Gentleman, Emmy-Roots)
1945 [55] Bruce Cockburn, Pembroke ON, pop/folk singer (Lovers in a Dangerous Time, Rumours of Glory)
1961 [39] Peri Gilpin, Waco TX, TV actress (Roz Doyle-Frasier)
1971 [29] Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, Philadelphia PA, pop singer (TLC-Unpretty, No Scrubs, Waterfalls)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “Morning Radio Wise Guy Day”, honoring you dedicated fools who get up before 5 am to start the day with humor, music and info. But why ‘Wise Guy’? Do morning personalities really have to be obnoxious pranksters? Radio personalities can get so wrapped up in ‘being cool’ on-the-air that the needs and wants of listeners are forgotten. Sometimes all they want is for you to shuddup and play some music! Imagine you’re at a party. Who are you most attracted to – the egocentric jokester, or the friendly person with something interesting to say? Just a bit of ‘Bull Roar’ to think about.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1993 [07] A great moment in sports history as a long fly ball from Cleveland Indian Carlos Martinez bounces off Texas Ranger outfielder Jose Canseco’s head and goes over fence for a home run!
1994 [06] Elvis rolls over in his grave as ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson secretly weds the ‘King’s’ daughter, Lisa Marie Presley, in the Dominican Republic (she files for divorce in January, 1996)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1968 [32] 1st non-American-based MLB team, Montréal Expos, officially formed
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sun] Indianapolis 500 (NET: http://www.indy500.com)
[Sun] National Hamburger Day
[Mon] Memorial Day (USA)
Canadian Aboriginal Awareness Week
More than Just a Pretty Face Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: What does ‘HMCS’ stand for?
A: ‘Her Majesty’s Canadian Ship’ (or in [your co-host’s] case — ‘Has Mortgage to Cover Sailboat’)
THE LAST WORD: A cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
