Monday, May 8, 2000 Edition: #1802
MORE OF THOSE BS QUESTIONS THAT ARE PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
• Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
• Do clowns wear really big socks?
• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
• Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• If crime doesn’t pay does that mean this job’s a crime?
• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• How do you get off a ‘nonstop flight’?
TABLOID TRASH:
• “E! Online” confirms that 19-year-old Toronto actor Hayden Christensen has inked a 2-movie deal to play ‘Anakin Skywalker’ in the last 2 “Star Wars” prequels. (Which promises to do for his career what the original “Star Wars” did for Mark Hamill’s.)
• More trouble on the “Charlie’s Angels” movie set! “Enquirer” says Lucy Liu is jealous that her co-stars are making more money. Cameron Diaz is reportedly getting $12 million and Drew Barrymore $9 million while poor l’il Lucy had to settle for a paltry $1.2 million. (Look on the bright side girl, all that pouting got you the Revlon contract.)
• “Star” claims Tommy Lee was recently spotted checking into a hotel on Grand Cayman Island with THREE women — none of which was Pamela Anderson. The foursome reportedly stayed holed up in his room for days! (Forget about last week’s computer virus — Tommy’s the original ‘Love Worm’.)
• EXTRA, EXTRA! says there may be hope for “Felicity” fans. Seems ABC-TV may pick up the show next season if the WB doesn’t. (But can Keri Russell grow her hair back that fast?)
• “Globe” reports the earth-shattering news that 60-year-old “Walker, Texas Ranger” star Chuck Norris is having surgery to reverse his vasectomy so he can make a baby with his 36-year-old wife. (Great, he and the little one can share diapers.)
PRACTICAL ALTERNATIVE TO WORK:
A survey in “Know-How” magazine finds the average executive wastes a total of 6 weeks a year in meetings, during which 47% stare into space, 41% doodle in the pretence of taking notes, and 18% actually sleep.
SEX ON THE BRAIN:
According to “General Practitioners” magazine, the average young man fantasizes about sex every 5 minutes. Even men in their 50s daydream about sex at least 3 times an hour. Researcher Dr David Delvin says women would be shocked if they knew what the average guy is thinking as he sits on a bus or in an office.
NEW GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• ‘Wave Hoop’ . . . A new toy coming this summer that’s based on the old ‘Hula Hoop’ but stays in motion about 5 times longer. The secret is a special liquid inside which creates centrifugal force. (High tech or not – the average adult still looks like an idiot trying to get one going.)
• ‘Connexion’ . . . A satellite-based system being developed by Boeing that will give airline passengers high-speed Internet access when it becomes operational next year. (In case you suffer withdrawal from e-mail.)
THE BULL SHEET 05.08.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1926 [74] Don Rickles, NYC, acerbic comic (‘Mr Warmth’)/film actor (‘Mr Potato Head’-Toy Story)
1940 [60] Gary Glitter (Paul Gadd), Banbury ENG, classic rock musician (Rock & Roll [Part 2] – heard at virtually every sports event)/ex-con who served time for kiddy porn
1954 [46] David Keith, Knoxville TN, movie actor (U-571)
1955 [45] Alex Van Halen, Nijmegen HOL, rock drummer (Van Halen -Jump)/Eddie’s brother
1969 [31] Duane Forde, Mississauga ON, CFL fullback (Calgary Stampeders)
1969 [31] Swift Burch, Washington DC, CFL defensive end (Montreal Alouettes)
1975 [25] Enrique Iglesias, Madrid SPA, pop singer (Rhythm Divine, Bailamos)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “No Socks Day”, when we’re encouraged to avoid wearing socks to feel less encumbered and help the environment by creating less laundry.
Today is “World Red Cross Day”, celebrating the birth of International Red Cross Movement founder Jean Henry Dunant in 1863.
Tonight Rosie O’Donnell hosts the “Tony Awards”, honoring the best of Broadway on CBS-TV.
This week is the 85th anniversary of “Be Kind to Animals Week”, celebrating the importance of animals in our lives and promoting proper pet care. As a favor to your dog this week, why not leave the lid up on the big water bowl?
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1995 NY Ranger Mark Messier becomes 3rd NHL player to reach 100 playoff goals (joining Wayne Gretzky and Jari Kurri)
1998 Sarah McLachlan releases hit single “Adia”
1999 Monica Lewinsky does “Saturday Night Live” (she’s given cue cards so she doesn’t blow lines)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1642 [358] Paul de Chomedy de Maisonneuve founds ‘Ville-Marie’ (Montréal)
1886 [114] Atlanta pharmacist John Pemberton introduces ‘Coca-Cola’ (later sells rights and recipe for just $2,300!) On this day in 1985, the 1st cans of ‘New Coke’ rolled out, one of the biggest bonehead marketing moves in corporate history
1987 [13] Canada’s one-dollar coin introduced (the ‘looney’)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Lost Sock Memorial Day
[Tues] National Teacher Day
Canadian Forestry Week
Better Hearing and Speech Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MOTHER’S DAY ‘SAY THE WORD’ CONTEST:
Set-up a telephone conference with a contestant and the contestant’s mother. The contestant must get her to say the word [or phrase] of the day through normal discussion, without prompting. (Pick a commonly used word or phrase like ‘dirty laundry’.)
THE LAST WORD:
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.