WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• In a new “Playboy” interview, 22-year-old actor Shia Labeouf admits he should never have been behind the wheel of a vehicle the night he crashed last September, admitting he’d consumed 1 whiskey & 3 beers beforehand. He’s now preparing for a 3rd surgery on his shattered hand, badly damaged when he flipped his truck. He claims he’s since joined AA because he has ‘no room for alcohol’ in his life. (He may have just saved his career.)
– ContactMusic.com
• Country singers Julianne Hough, Taylor Swift, and Carrie Underwood are all included in “People” magazine’s annual ‘Most Beautiful List’, revealed in this week’s issue. Actress Christina Applegate tops the list overall. (Had she not survived cancer, would she even make the list?)
– CMT.com
• 24-year-old Scarlett Johansson’s directorial contribution to a new compilation film has been axed. “New York, I Love You” is a series of love stories shot by different actor-directors, including Natalie Portman. But Johansson’s contribution has been edited out, with producer Emmanuel Benbihy saying it was too ‘conceptualized’ to fit in with the rest of the picture. (BS translation: It was a pile o’ crap.)
– PageSix.com
• Model Cindy Crawford’s restaurateur husband Rande Gerber is facing a messy lawsuit from 2 ex-employees who accuse him of sexual harassment. The former waitresses claim they were fired from the Moonstone Lounge in San Diego’s Hard Rock Hotel last year after rejecting his alleged advances. (His defense: I’m married to Cindy Crawford … ya think I’m nuts?)
– TMZ.com.
• “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno has finally spoken about what caused his recent hospital stay … exhaustion. He says he finds it embarrassing to admit because it’s a ‘rich person’s condition’; poor people that really work don’t get ‘exhausted’. But he admits he does keep a busy schedule and probably just got worn out. (Sorta like his jokes.)
– People.com
• “Transformers” actress Megan Fox is refuting rumors she’ll portray comic book heroine “Wonder Woman” in an upcoming feature film. Director Joss Whedon is said to be pulling together a cast for an upcoming bigscreen adaptation of the comic book heroine, originally played by Lynda Carter on TV (1976-79). But Fox claims she won’t be involved because the character is too ‘lame’. (BS translation: come back with a bigger offer.)
– FHM.com
• 28-year-old actress Jessica Alba, who gave birth to daughter ‘Honor’ last June, admits it’s  been a lot of work taking off the baby weight afterward. She says she worked out twice a day and ate really healthy. Alba admits it wasn’t fun but now she’s back in shape and wants to have more kids with husband Cash Warren … maybe 3 or more. (Go for a “Fantastic Four”!)
– “Extra”

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Bonnie Hunt Show” (NBC/CityTV) – Bonnie presents country star Jason Aldean with a Gold Record for his single, “She’s Country”, which he also performs.
• “I Love Money 2” (MTV) – The reality TV/game show’s 2nd season finalé airs.
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – British singer Adele is onstage.
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Keri Hilson performs “Knock You Down” with Kanye West.
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – Ciara (“Love Sex Magic”) is this morning’s musical guest.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Amy Winehouse – She’s been admitted to hospital (again) after collapsing Friday night at her Caribbean villa in St Lucia. The excuse this time … ‘dehydration’.
• Beyoncé – She’s in talks to play the late Eartha Kitt in a proposed bio-film. The singer/actress died at age 81 on Christmas Day 2008 after losing a battle with cancer.
• Coldplay – They’re promising to reward recession-weary fans by giving away the free CD “LeftRightLeftRightLeft” at all their shows this year. Their North American tour kicks off May 15th in West Palm Beach FL.
• Keith Urban – Thursday he launches his “Escape Together World Tour” in New London CT suburb Uncasville. Among the tour’s innovations: 5 giant video screens instead of just one, which Urban promises “CMT Insider” will do some ‘pretty amazing things’.
• Madonna – Today a Malawian court is scheduled to hear her appeal to its previous refusal to allow her to adopt 4-year-old Chifundo ‘Mercy’ James.
• Prince – He’s revealed to Tavis Smiley (PBS) for the first time that he was born with epilepsy and suffered seizures when he was young. Then one day he simply told his mother he wasn’t going to be sick anymore … because an angel told him so.
• Seal – He & model-wife Heidi Klum have called off plans for their annual wedding renewal ceremony in Costa Careyes, Mexico due to the threat of H1N1 flu. They wed in May 2005 and have renewed vows in the same location on the same date every year since … until now.
• Toby Keith – He’s announced plans for a new 6th location of his ‘I Love This Bar & Grill’, this one near Detroit in Auburn Hills MI. The restaurant & country music venue opens later this year.
• Zac Brown Band – They’re planning to release a live album later this year, according to an interview with “Billboard” magazine. Their next studio album won’t drop until 2010.

THE BIRD DANCE:
A pair of new studies in the journal “Current Biology” show that some birds have a remarkable talent for … dancing. Previously it was thought that only humans had the ability to dance, but the new research reveals that some parrots have a near-perfect sense of rhythm. For instance, when ‘Snowball’, a sulphur-crested cockatoo, dances to his favorite song (“Everybody” by the Backstreet Boys), researchers say he’s able to keep time with beat changes. It’s thought the findings may shed light on how our relationship with music and capacity to dance came about. (And maybe why cockatoo’s have such crappy taste in music?)
– “Boston Herald”

BEST BAD MOVIES OF THE DECADE (SO FAR):
A new ranking of this century’s stinkiest celluloid. These films are so awful they’re actually kind of kitschy …
5. Sky Captain & The World of Tomorrow (2004).
4. “Snakes On a Plane” (2006).
3. “Postal” (2007).
2. “Tokyo Gore Police” (2008).
1. “Repo! The Genetic Opera” (2008).
– IHeartChaos.com

THE NEW ARMS RACE:
The Pentagon has announced the completion of the first phase of a plan to someday regrow soldiers’ missing appendages. Working with a $570,000 grant from DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency), Cellthera Inc has succeeded in turning a batch of human skin into a mass of undifferentiated cells that can, theoretically, be turned into new body parts. Step 2 will involve turning this cellular ooze into muscle tissue that hopefully can restore the function of body parts after traumatic injury on the battlefield. (All right, let’s give them a hand!)
– “Wired”

BOOZE BONUS:
Half-a-glass of wine a day may add years to your life! Researchers in the Netherlands have documented the cases of close to 1,400 men for more than 4 decades, noting their eating and drinking habits. Men who consumed about 20 grams of alcohol daily, the equivalent of a half-glass of wine, had 2.5 years added to their life expectancy at age 50 compared with non-drinkers. And drinkers who consumed only wine averaged twice as much added longevity … 5 full years. (The downside: You only get a half-glass a day … but the glass is half full!)
– Bloomberg News

HOTTEST ‘MATURE’ WOMEN:
A new ranking of Hollywood babes who are well over 50 and fabulous …
5. Swoosie Kurtz (“Pushing Daisies”) … 64.
4. Anne Archer (“Privileged”) … 58.
3. Kathie Lee Gifford (“Today”) … 55.
2. Diane Keaton (“Because I Said So”) … 63.
1. Sally Field (“Brothers & Sisters”) … 62.
Who did they miss? Helen Mirren (63)? 87-year-old Betty White?
– Adapted from StarPulse.com.

DID YOU KNOW?
• In 1976, an outbreak of ‘Swine Flu’ (excuse us … ‘H1N1′) killed just 1 person. However, a vaccine to combat it killed 25.
– BBC News
• A mother giraffe often gives birth while standing, so the newborn’s first experience outside the womb is a 1.8-m (6-ft) drop.
– “Brain Candy”

BS CHRONOMETER 05.04.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951 [58] Mick Mars (Robert Deal), Huntington IN, rock guitarist (Motley Crue-“If I Die Tomorrow”, “Dr Feelgood”)

1959 [50] Randy Travis (Traywick), Marshville NC, country singer (“I Told You So”, “Forever & Ever Amen”)

1970 [39] Will Arnett, Toronto ON, TV actor (“Sit Down, Shut Up” 2009, “Arrested Development” 2003-06)/movie actor (“Semi-Pro”, “Blades of Glory”)

1972 [37] Mike Dirnt (Pritchard), Rodeo CA, rock bassist (Green Day-“Know Your Enemy”, “Boulevard Of Broken Dreams”)

1979 [30] Lance Bass, Laurel MS, former boy-band singer (*NSYNC-“Bye Bye Bye”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “International Firefighters’ Day”, to recognize the efforts of the brave hearts who risk their lives to keep us safe. (And what women consistently pick in polls as the ‘Sexiest Profession’.)
NET: http://www.iffd.net

• “Melanoma Monday”, encouraging us to screen ourselves and our loved ones for skin cancer. Performing regular skin self-examinations is an easy way to detect suspicious moles that could be cancerous, and research shows involving a partner in the process can enhance early detection. To make the process easier, check the exciting ‘Body Mole Map’ here …
NET: http://www.melanomamonday.org

• “Relationship Renewal Day”, saluting relationships that have made it through yet another year. Couples are encouraged to celebrate and congratulate one another … and each other.

• “Respect For Chickens Day”, promoting compassionate & respectful treatment of domestic fowl. Advocacy group United Poultry Concerns argues that we should celebrate the beauty, dignity & life of chickens and protest against the bleakness of their lives in farming operations. (And what about those degrading rubber chickens in joke shops?)
NET: http://www.upc-online.org/nr/090430ircd-white-house.html

• “Weather Observers’ Day”, recognizing both pros and amateurs who follow the elements. (Hmm, which would [local TV weather reporter] qualify as?)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1927 [82] ‘Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences’ is founded (the Oscar people)

2007 [02] “Spider-Man 3” opens in movie theaters (goes on to earn $891 million worldwide)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1959 [50] 1st ‘Grammy Awards’ presented (winners include Perry Como, Ella Fitzgerald, Henry Mancini, and the Kingston Trio)

1994 [15] Bill Wyman announces his retirement from the Rolling Stones (thereby missing out on hundreds-of-millions they’ve made touring since)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1968 [41] 1st McDonald’s ‘Big Mac’ is served (2 all-beef patties, onions, pickles, lettuce, mustard on a sesame seed bun)

1984 [25] Oakland A’s slugger Dave Kingman is awarded a ground rule double when the baseball he hits ‘disappears’ (the towering fly is blasted into a drainage hole in the Minnesota Metrodome roof, never to return)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] World Asthma Day
[Tues] Cartoonists Day
[Tues] Cinco de Mayo
[Tues] Totally Chipotle Day
[Tues] Childhood Depression Awareness Day
[Wed] Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
[Wed] No Diet Day
[Wed] No Homework Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Anxiety & Depression Awareness Week / Be Kind to Animals Week / Children’s Mental Health Week / Drinking Water Week / Flexible Work Arrangement Week / Goodwill Industries Week / Hug Holiday Week / Life Coach Recognition Week / Occupational Safety & Health Week / Update Your References Week / Wildflower Week

BULL’S BITS

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BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
This week is “National Pet Week”, celebrating the difference pets make in people’s lives. For instance, here’s some …
STUFF YOU CAN LEARN FROM YOUR DOG:
• Don’t go out without your ID.
• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you’ll get what you want.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue … and when to use it.
• Always leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility … as soon as you’re dragged out from under the bed.
• If it’s not wet and sloppy, it’s not a real kiss.

BS PHONE STARTER:
What single item are you still hanging onto from your childhood? Why?

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• How can you mass-market ‘rare’ Scotch?
• What does it mean when a woman has big feet?
• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
• What happens if you’re scared ‘half-to-death’ … twice?
• How come you see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: It’s not healthy but most of us do THIS an average of once a week anyway.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Skip breakfast.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.