Monday, May 23, 2011        Edition: #4511
Get Sheet-Faced Every Morning!

WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• British actor Russell Brand was deported from Japan on Sunday because of previous convictions, according to his pop star wife Katy Perry. Brand had jetted in with her tour entourage but was apparently kicked out by immigration officials due to unspecified criminal offences more than a decade ago. (Convicted of lame attempts at trying to be funny?)
– ContactMusic.com
• Movie star Johnny Depp has revealed it was a ‘psychedelic experience’ to discover his image  has been incorporated into the “Pirates Of the Caribbean” attraction at Disneyland. His ‘Captain Jack Sparrow’ character now pops up several times during the ride. “It’s quite an honor in a weird way”, he says, “that what you helped create becomes this forever object.” (It is kind of odd … the ride initially inspired the movie series, which has now re-inspired the ride.)
– BANG Media International
• Boxing great, singer, and sports promoter Oscar De La Hoya has checked into rehab to seek help for an unidentified substance abuse problem. The retired fighter, nicknamed ‘The Golden Boy’, entered a treatment centre in California earlier this month. In a prepared statement he says, “After doing an honest evaluation of myself, I recognize that there are certain issues that I need to work on.” (What did celebs do with all their time before rehab was invented?)
– TMZ.com
•  Elisabeth Moss (“Mad Men”) has now finalized her divorce from Fred Armisen (“Saturday Night Live”), 8 months after she moved out of their marital home. They wed in October 2009 but quickly separated in June 2010 and she later filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. (‘Quickie divorces’ are so passé. The new hotness is apparently ‘quickie marriages’.)
– OnTheRedCarpet.com
• Patti Davis, daughter of former US president Ronald Reagan, has bared all in the latest issue of “More” magazine … at age 58. She says she decided to do the nude photoshoot to highlight the fact that older women can remain fit. In an accompanying article she also bares her soul. She previously appeared nude in “Playboy” magazine at age 42, back in 1994. (Warning: you may need to iron this pictorial.)
– MSNBC.com
• And 58-year-old ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage (real surname Poffo) has died following a car accident in Tampa, Florida. His brother reveals the former WWE wrestler suffered a heart attack while driving on Friday, consequentially lost control of his Jeep and collided with a tree. Savage’s career spanned over 20 years, during which he won 7 heavyweight titles. (Tracking wrestlers who’ve died relatively young has become something of an Internet meme, with oodles of sites offering lists, including this one: http://www.ghoulpool.us/?p=86)
– “USA Today”

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Conan” (TBS/CTV) – Yeasayer (“Our Blood”).
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – The remaining contestants perform.
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Greyson Chance (“Waiting Outside The Lines”).
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CHCH) – Foster the People (“Torches”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Airborne Toxic Event (“All at Once”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS/NTV/Omni) – Lady Gaga (“Born This Way”); The Vaccines (“What Did You Expect From The Vaccines?”.
• “Lopez Tonight” (TBS) – The Game f/Skeetox (“The RED Album”, due August 23rd).
• “Oprah Winfrey Show” (syndicated/CTV) – Part 1 of  “Surprise Oprah! A Farewell Spectacular”, pre-recorded before 13,000 fans at the United Center in Chicago IL. The send-off show includes appearances by  Alicia Keys, Aretha Franklin, Beyoncé, Josh Groban, Madonna, Michael Jordan, Rascal Flatts, Tom Cruise, Usher, and many others. Part 2 airs tomorrow; her final program is Wednesday.
• “Tavis Smiley” (PBS) – Steve Earle (“I’ll Never Get Out of This World Alive”).
• “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC/A Channel) – The Script (“Science & Faith”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Lady Gaga (“Born This Way”).

TONIGHT’S TV SEASON FINALÉS:
• “The Chicago Code” (FOX)
• “The Event” (NBC)
• “House” (FOX)

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Brad Paisley – Today his latest album, “This Is Country Music”, is released. It includes guest appearances by Alabama and Carrie Underwood. The CMA ‘Entertainer Of the Year’ launches his “H2O II” tour June 3rd in Virginia Beach VA.
• Lady Gaga – After months of hype and individual track releases her 3rd studio album, “Born This Way”, is finally out today. It also comes in a 2-CD ‘Special Edition’ with extra tracks and remixes.
• Ludacris – He’s working with the National Runaway Switchboard in a bid to raise awareness of a new live chat service that offers abused and runaway kids resources and advice. The service provides help finding shelter, food, and medical or legal assistance.
• Tinie Tempah – He’s currently putting together ideas and collaborations for a follow-up album to “Disc-Overy” and has been talking with Pharrell Wiliams, The Script, Usher, and Wiz Khalifa. He’s also set to work with fellow Brit Adele in the near future.
• U2 – Bono tells “Nightline” he agreed with the terrible reviews for the Broadway musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark”, for which he wrote the score alongside The Edge. A re-worked version of the $70-million production opens June 14th with new music and a streamlined script.

TERMINATION TEST:
A new blood test shows how fast you’re aging offers the tantalizing possibility of estimating how long you have left to live. The controversial test measures structures on the tips of a person’s chromosomes, called ‘telomeres’, which scientists believe can tell a person’s ‘biological age’, as compared to their actual chronological age. Medical researchers think telomere testing will become widespread within the next 5-to-10 years. The retail version goes on sale in Britain later this year … for just under $700. (Would you wanna know when you’re gonna go?)
– “The Independent”

UNCROWDING THE CLOSET:
A few tips on lightening up the load in your clothes closet …
• Pare your wardrobe down to the best-of-the-best, displaying everything as visibly as possible, and making sure that all garments are always in ‘wear-now’ condition.
• Weed out too-snug items. Even if you don’t gain much, your weight shifts around as you age so you should keep auditioning clothes that are more than 5-years-old.
• The workhorses in you wardrobe might entail 10 outfits that you wear again and again, so try to limit shopping to replicating variations of your favorites.
– “Wall Street Journal”

YOU ARE WHAT YOU ACHE:
National Headache Foundation research shows the type of headache you have could depend on your personality. Migraine sufferers tend to be neat, orderly, and creative individuals who demand a lot from themselves. Tension headaches, on the other hand, most often hit people who have poor coping skills. They can get a headache just thinking about stressful situations. (Unscientific research suggests radio show co-hosts are most prone to hangover headaches.)
– ScienceMag.org

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A look at who we are and the things we do …
• 90% of women but only 70% of men say they wear deodorant every day.
• 40% of guys will not ask a woman out on a 2nd date if she snorts when she laughs.
• 38% of women say it’s totally a man’s choice whether or not to wear a wedding ring.
• 30% of us have changed clothes … while driving.
• 19% of the participants in ‘fantasy sports leagues’ are women.
• 15% of men & 9% of women admit they have made a ‘sex tape’.

THE SCIENCE OF ‘BEAN-BALLS’:
A Duke University research team has examined every at bat in every Major League Baseball game since 1952, keeping an eye peeled for retribution pitches. Of the roughly 190,000 at bats that occur every season, about 1,550 result in a batter being struck by a pitch. When that’s combined with weather data, it suggests batters have a 27% chance of being hit by a retribution pitch in 95 F (35 C) weather but only a 22% chance in 55 F (13 C) weather. Their conclusion: hot weather increases the odds of a ‘pay-back pitch’. (Or maybe in the cool of springtime nobody’s developed a grudge yet?)
– “Scientific American”

BS GAS-SAVING TIPS:
Now that it’s almost cheaper to take a cab to work, here are a few money-saving suggestions …
• Accelerating quickly is one of the worst things you can do to reduce gas mileage.
• Running the AC reduces fuel efficiency by 3-to-4 mpg.
• Never race to a stoplight and then brake hard. It’s hard on gas mileage and the vehicle.
• Always put your vehicle in overdrive or in the top manual gear when cruising on the highway.
• Buying a new or used vehicle? The smaller engine that comes with the base model is almost always powerful enough and uses less fuel.
– “Indianapolis Star”

BS AMAZING FACTS:
• When casting extras for the currently showing “Pirates Of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides”, the casting call specified that no actresses with breast implants would be considered.
– PopBitch.com
• $9 million in annual wages & benefits were paid out to radio minister Harold Camping’s 348 employees in 2009, according to the Family Radio organization’s last public tax return.
– TheToiletPaper.com

BS CHRONOMETER 05.23.11

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [53] Drew Carey, Cleveland OH, comedian/TV host (“The Price is Right” since 2007)/TV producer (“Whose Line Is It Anyway?” 1998-2006)/TV actor (“The Drew Carey Show” 1995-2004)

1967 [44] Phil Selway, Abingdon UK, alt-rock drummer (Radiohead-“There There”, “Creep”)

1970 [41] Matt Flynn, LA CA, pop drummer (Maroon 5-“Makes Me Wonder”, “She Will Be Loved”)

1974 [37] Jewel (Kilcher), Payson UT, country/folk/pop singer (“Intuition”, “Standing Still”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Morning Radio Wise Guy Day”, honoring you dedicated fools who get up before dawn to start our days with humor, music, and information.

• “Penny Day”, celebrating what many think is the most useless of all coins. Billions are produced annually to meet public demand but most end up squirrelled away in piggy banks, jars, and junk drawers.

• “Taffy Day”, celebrating the ooey-gooey soft candy that sticks to your dental fillings. Salt water taffy was originally produced in Atlantic City NJ back in 1883.

• “Victoria Day” , observed annually on the Monday preceding May 25th, and commemorating the birth date of Britain’s Queen Victoria on May 24, 1819. It’s a holiday that’s only celebrated in Canada (originating in 1845), and it’s often referred to as ‘May Two-Four Weekend’.

• “World Turtle Day”, initiated in 2000 by American Tortoise Rescue, a turtle & tortoise conservation organization founded in 1990 in Malibu CA. The observance highlights ways each of us can help protect these gentle but jeopardized animals. A few dos & don’ts listed here …
NET: http://bit.ly/kQ1MbV

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1981 [30] Official opening of ‘Canada’s Wonderland’ amusement park near Toronto ON

2005 [06] Tom Cruise infamously leaps on the couch & pumps his fist in the air to express his love for Katie Holmes during an appearance on “Oprah”

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
2000 [11] “The Marshall Mathers LP” debut album by Eminem is released and hits #1 with first-week sales of 1.76 million copies

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1988 [23] 1st ‘Underwater Wedding’, using divers’ hand signals for vows (was the guy saying ‘yes’ when he gave the panicked thumbs-up sign, or was his air just running out?)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1982 [29] Colin Wilson rides a surfboard a record 294 miles

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] “Glee” Season 2 finalé (FOX)
[Tues] “American Idol” final performance show (FOX)
[Wed] “American Idol” season finalé (FOX)
[Wed] Missing Children’s Day
[Wed] Nerd Pride Day
[Wed] Senior Health & Fitness Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Backyard Games Week / Old-Time Player Piano Week / Safe Boating Week / Week of Solidarity With the People of Non-Self-Governing Territories

BULL’S BITS

BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 18 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
BS SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG LANDSCAPER:
• Keeps referring to your yard as ‘the goldmine’.
• You tell him you have a dandelion problem; he suggests ‘Scorched Earth Policy’.
• Cuts his own hair with a Weed Whacker.
• Keeps getting lawn seed and bird seed mixed up; ends up mowing the birds.
• Always tastes the compost to see if it’s done.
– First published in “BS” 1995
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS U-PICK TRIVIA:
If you are average, you will have lost half of which by age 60?
a. Your tastebuds. [CORRECT. Hope you like hot sauce!]
b. Your teeth.
c. Your brain cells.
– “Freaky Facts About the Human Body”

BS PHONE STARTER:
What totally irrational thing are you afraid of?

REAL BUT REALLY WEIRD FORTUNE COOKIE FORTUNES:
• “Stop procrastinating … starting tomorrow.”
• “Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery.”
• “Don’t kiss an elephant on the lips today.”
• “You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.”
• “Your present plants are going to succeed.”
• “It is going to burn when you pee.”
• “About time I got out of that cookie!”
– Oddee.com

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Secrecy at my job prevents me from knowing what I do.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Women, on average, do THIS 5 times a day.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Complain.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Most people raise their voice rather then reinforcing their point.