Friday, November 8, 2002 Edition: #2417
Thanks For Being a Bull Market!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TOMORROW 34-year-old Pamela Anderson & 31-year-old Kid Rock plan to tie the knot onstage during one of his gigs at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas where he’s opening for Aerosmith (the traditional white trash wedding will take place during intermission) . . . Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck may be next, as friends confirm they’re officially engaged and buzz has it J-Lo will make it official in a “PrimeTime interview with Diane Sawyer WEDNESDAY . . . TOMORROW night Winnipeg-born “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” star Nia Vardalos hosts “Saturday Night Live” . . . Word is Jennifer Aniston is a tad embarrassed by her father John’s latest gig – a role in the LA stage production “The Penis Monologues”, a spoof of the highly successful “Vagina Monologues” . . . Online sales of ‘Free Winona’ T-shirts have spiked by 10 times since Ryder’s shoplifting conviction was announced . . . And according to the “Sun”, Winona Ryder will get a suspended sentence and several hours of community service, but no jail time based on time already served – in an Adam Sandler movie.
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
“8 Mile” (a road in Detroit known as the city limit), the ‘fictional’ story of angry white rapper ‘Jimmy Smith Jr’ (aka ‘Bunny Rabbit’, ‘B-Rabbit’, ‘Rabbit’) trying to make it big despite his trailer-park upbringing, stars Eminem – basically as himself – and Kim Basinger as his mom (whom he admits became more than a co-star for awhile) . . . Julianne Moore & Dennis Quaid star in the limited release of the 1950s romantic drama “Far from Heaven”, the story of a marriage that becomes strained when the husband realizes that he’s in love – with another guy . . . And expanding to wide release are – crime thriller “Femme Fatale” starring Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, and biopic “Frida” starring Salma Hayek.
SKINNY BUFF-ET:
TONIGHT in Manchester UK the Samsi Japanese restaurant is holding a special ‘nyataimori’, when a sumptuous feast will be served – on the bodies of 2 naked women. ‘Nyataimori’ translates as ‘adorned body of a woman’ and the young human tables lying face up will be adorned with a wide variety of delicacies including lobster, yakitori chicken, and smoked salmon sushi. Diners will eat with chopsticks, but strict etiquette dictates they must not touch the naked flesh. (“Hey, who ordered crabs?” “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup!”)
BATTERIES NOT INCLUDED:
Allergic to Viagra, guys? Thanks goodness Norwegian electrical engineer Birger Orten has come to the rescue with his innovative new ‘penis ring’. The simple stimulator is comprised of a narrow, thin ring with ‘advanced electrical energy transferral’ that is placed at the root of the penis. It purportedly has no side effects, needs no prescription, and works immediately. (It is unconfirmed that Orten got the idea from recently discovered scientific records of freaky experiments in a WW2 Nazi lab.)
WEIRD WORK:
Photographer Nancy Rica Schiff has compiled a series of photos of ordinary people with extraordinary employment for her new book, “Odd Jobs: Portraits of Unusual Occupations”. Among the weirder ways to make a living – an odor tester who’s paid to sniff things like feet, kitty litter, diapers, and body odor, a bull semen sample collector, a female men’s room attendant, and a private school headmistress at ‘Miss Vera’s Finishing School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls’ in NYC. (Strangest job we’ve heard of – ‘BS Compiler’.)
TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• The Federal Aviation Administration has just denied a request to change the Sioux City, Iowa airport code to something else. The current code – SUX.
• Hundreds of religious pilgrims have been gathering at John Paquette’s house in the north Saskatchewan community of Fond du Lac to view an image of the Virgin Mary – formed by frost between window panes. Unfortunately for Paquette, the meter-high image can only be seen from inside his house. (Strangest apparition since Jesus appeared on a Tim Horton’s in Nova Scotia.)
• Executors of a bankrupt Bulgarian company have paid off employees in – hair combs. Over 600 former workers have each been given hundreds of colored combs in lieu of back wages. The combs were the only remaining asset after everything else was sold off to pay creditors. (This is a good time to make a list of the CDs you want before your station goes belly-up.)
• A hospital in Ringsted, Denmark has a special promotion on. For every pint of blood you donate, you get a half-pint of wine! (Donate 5 pints or more, get free embalming!)
• Iranian police are hunting a phony magician who conned a man into believing he was invisible and could rob banks. Customers at a Tehran bank quickly overpowered the doofus when he started snatching money right out of their hands. (They became suspicious when he showed up naked.)
• An Australian law firm is offering a free divorce as a prize in a Red Cross charity auction. (Hey, has a radio station ever given one of those away?)
• A small town in England in is being terrorized by a vicious squirrel. Several people have been chased, a few attacked and bitten. Worried parents have begun keeping their children indoors. All of this in the village of – Knutsford. (Well of course.)
• The NFL has rescinded a $5,000 fine against Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick for violating the league’s uniform dress code. Vick was fined because his white oversocks were rolled down, exposing red undersocks from the ankle to the knee. NFL rules say the exterior sock must be white at least to the mid-lower leg. Though clearly guilty of the shocking offense, Vick’s been let off with a warning. (In related news, Philadelphia QB Donovan McNabb has been awarded the NFL’s special gold star for upchucking live on TV during a game. The special moment has been declared the ‘Eww, I can’t believe we just saw that, rewind the video and show it again’ event of the season so far.)
BS SHOCKING FACT:
About 90% of compulsive shoppers are women. Most of them are middle-aged and many are suffering from depression or bipolar disorder.
THE BULL SHEET 11.08.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [71] Morley Safer, Toronto ON, TV journalist (11 Emmy Awards-“60 Minutes” since 1970)
19?? [she won’t say] Luba Goy, born on a train travelling through Germany, CBC-TV/radio comedian (“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)
1949 [53] Bonnie Raitt, Burbank CA, rock/blues singer/songwriter (Grammy Award-“Nick of
Time”, “Something to Talk About”)
1950 [52] Mary Hart, Madison SD, TV host (“Entertainment Tonight” since 1982)/former high school English teacher in Sioux Falls SD and ’Miss South Dakota’ 1970
1967 [35] Courtney Thorne-Smith, San Francisco CA, TV actress (Cheryl-“According to Jim”, formerly Georgia Thomas-“Ally McBeal”)
1975 [27] Tara Reid, Wyckoff NJ, movie actress (“Van Wilder”, “American Pie 1 & 2”)
1985 [17] Jack Osbourne, ENG, TV ‘personality’ (“The Osbournes”)/son of Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne/brother of Kelly & Aimee
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1970 [32] Chris ‘The Living Legend’ Jericho (Christopher Irvine), Jericho NY [raised Winnipeg MB], WWE wrestler who won the ‘Undisputed Championship’ by beating The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin in 2001 QUOTE: “Shut the hell up!”
1973 [29] Nick Lachey, Harlan KY, pop singer (98 Degrees-“Give Me Just One Night [Una Noche]”, “I Do Cherish You”)/Mr Jessica Simpson since OCTOBER 26, 2002
1978 [24] Sisqo (Mark Andrews), Baltimore MD, hip-hop artist (“Thong Song”, Dru Hill w/Will Smith-“Wild Wild West”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day”, a day to offset the coming chills of winter. What’s the most pungent thing you can cook? In other words, what stinks up the kitchen the most – cabbage rolls? fish? lamb? garlic? onions?
TODAY is “National Return It! Day”, a day to take back all the stuff you’ve borrowed from others. According to a survey, 65% of us have borrowed something from a neighbor. Top loaners for men – tools, borrowed by 37%. Most borrowed item by women – sugar, which 25% say they’ve trotted next door for.
TODAY is “Dunce Day”, commemorating the 1308 death of Duns Scotus. He wasn’t what we now refer to as a ‘dunce’, he was actually a bookworm!
TODAY is “Abet & Aid Punsters Day”, a day to make up incredibly bad puns, proclaimed by Punsters Unlimited who say the all-time best triple pun is ‘Though he’s not very humble, there’s no police like Holmes’.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1993 [09] Celine Dion announces plans to marry manager Réné Angelil at launch of her mega-selling album “The Color of My Love” (when she’s 25 and he’s 51)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1895 [107] 1st ‘X-ray’ by German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen, who sees the bones of his hand as he waves it between a radiation source and a fluorescent screen (he names the rays ‘X’ for unknown)
1910 [92] 1st ‘insect electrocutor’, invented by William Frost of Spokane WA (aka ‘bug zapper’)
1965 [37] 1st episode of daytime TV soap “Days Of Our Lives”
1975 [27] The ‘tube top’ is marketed (1st ‘puppy noses’ detected)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1970 [32] New Orleans Saints Tom Dempsey (born without a right hand and only half his kicking foot) boots NFL-record 63-yard field goal vs Detroit (tied in 1998 by Denver’s Jason Elam)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets” opens
[Sat] Sydney 2002 Gay Games end
[Mon] Remembrance Day
[Mon] Air Day
[Thurs] 100th Anniversary Birthday of Teddy Bear
This Week Is . . . Health Information Week / Card & Letter Writing Week
This Month Is . . . Adoption Month / Model Railroad Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOU MARRIED A CONSULTANT:
• Refers to the first month of your relationship as a diagnostic period.
• Ends any argument by saying, “Let’s talk about this off-line.”
• Celebrates anniversary by conducting a performance review.
• Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
• Congratulates your parents for successful value creation.
• Valentine’s Day card has bullet points.
• Refers to lovemaking as a ‘win-win’.
TRUTH OR BS?
Are the following statements true or just a load of hooey?
GAME #1 –
• Bagpipes were invented in Scotland. (BS. The first bagpipes were made in Asia in the 1st century AD, then spread to Rome as novelties, and from there northward.)
• Women are more stressed than men. (TRUE. A recent Roper-Starch poll finds 21% of women worldwide report an immense amount of stress, compared to just 15% of men.)
• In 1998, a Parisian street mime got stuck in his imaginary box and consequently died of starvation. (BS)
• Omphalos (AHM-fah-luhs) is the process used to remove tattoos. (BS. ‘Omphalos’ is a 10-dollar synonym for ‘belly button’.)
• Drinking raw onion juice was once considered a contraceptive. (TRUE. The bad breath alone would likely prevent anyone coming near you!)
GAME #2 –
• The part of the human body with the thinnest skin is the eyelid. (TRUE. It’s less than 1/500 inch thick!)
• To human taste buds, American beer is virtually indistinguishable from zebra urine. (BS. Not verifiably anyway.)
• Until 1978, Camel cigarettes contained minute particles of real camels. (Um, BS.)
• Male rhesus monkeys often hang from tree branches by their amazing prehensile penises. (BS)
• A worker ant can carry up to 50 times its own weight. (TRUE. Worker ants are always female.)
• There are more chickens in the world than people. (TRUE)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Research shows that the same part of the brain that is activated during sex can also be turned on by this.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Music. (And here comes 55 minutes of it – stopless!)
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
I have all the money I’ll need for the rest of my life – as long as I die by 4 this afternoon.