November 8, 2000 Edition: #1928
MORE OF THOSE PERPLEXING BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a DRIVE-THRU ABM?
• Why do they call it ‘rush hour’ when nothing moves?
• Do pediatricians play MINIATURE golf on Wednesdays?
• Do quarter horses have only one leg?
• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• Is reading in the bathroom ‘multi-tasking’?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY at a celebrity auction in London, Elvis Presley’s paint-stained US army uniform is expected to fetch more than $36,000 . . . For TONIGHT’s world premiere of “Dr Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas” starring Jim Carrey, they’re turning Universal City CA into a winter wonderland with tons of trucked-in snow (coulda saved money by holding it in Edmonton) . . . “The Practice” co-star Camryn Manheim is pregnant (unconfirmed reports speculate Stevie Wonder must be the father) . . . Word is wedding plans for Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt have been put on hold after an argument over her ex- Lyle Lovett performing at the ceremony . . . And Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Richard Ellenbogen says he’s seeing a lot of actresses lately who want their old implants removed and smaller ones installed, a phenomenon he explains by saying, “They don’t want to look like bimbos any more” (bimbohood comes from the inside).
89% BOUGHT A USED BUICK AND SPENT A WEEK IN FLORIDA:
A new poll asks the lucky stiffs who’ve hit Canadian lotteries for $500,000 or more what they did with the loot. 93% put bucks in the bank, 71% shared their winnings, 56% bought a car, 51% gave to charity, 44% took a trip, 37% paid off a mortgage, and 29% bought a new home. (Doesn’t anybody just blow it?)
GOOFY NEW GADGETS:
• iRobot’s new ‘My Real Baby’ robot doll is said to be so realistic it has dozens of facial expressions and conveys 16 different human emotions. Do we have 16? (To add authenticity, it also breaks out in terrorizing screams at least 4 times in the middle of the night.)
• Friendly Robotics has just introduced a new automatic lawnmower called the ‘RL500 Robotic Mower’. You just set up a wire perimeter around your lawn and the mower works its way from the outside into the middle, using sensors to avoid anything left in its path. And it’s only $795 US. (Or what you’d pay the kid next door to cut the grass 159 times.)
NEW TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘The Ouch Zone’ — The part of a bra where the underwire can pinch flesh, something the new ‘Bioform’ bra promises to eliminate by using a hard plastic cup covered with soft rubber. Its British designers say, “The old-fashioned bra had no science behind it.” (Just a mystifying, unopenable snap.)
• ‘Generica’ — The same fast-food joints, strip malls, and cookie-cutter subdivisions you see in every city. (“We were so lost in generica that I couldn’t remember what city it was.”)
• ‘Meatspace’ — The physical world, as opposed to the virtual world. (“It was like totally weird — instead of a chatroom, I first met my boyfriend in meatspace.”)
THE BULL SHEET 11.08.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [69] Morley Safer, Toronto ON, TV journalist (“60 Minutes”, since 1970)
19?? [she won’t say] Luba Goy, GER, CBC-TV/radio comedian (“Royal Canadian Air Farce”)
1949 [51] Bonnie Raitt, Burbank CA, rock/blues singer/songwriter (“Something to Talk About”)
1951 [49] Mary Hart, Madison SD, TV host (“Entertainment Tonight”, since 1982)
1952 [48] Christie Hefner, Chicago IL, Playboy Enterprises CEO/Hugh’s daughter
1967 [33] Courtney Thorne-Smith, San Francisco CA, TV actress (Georgia Thomas-“Ally McBeal”)
1968 [32] Parker Posey, Baltimore MD, movie actress (“Scream 3″, “You’ve Got Mail”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TONIGHT the French-language debate between candidates for Prime Minister airs live on CBC-TV at 9 ET (it’s always hilarious to watch Joe Clark’s cheeks flap when he tries to speak French). The English-language debate is FRIDAY. Campaign note – 60-year-old Vancouver NDP candidate Lorrie Williams appears topless in the “Dames Do It For The Homeless 2001” fund-raising calendar. She’s pictured driving a red convertible wearing nothing but sunglasses and jewelry. (Hey, there’s an idea for Alexa McD. . . oh maybe not.)
TODAY is “Cook Something Bold & Pungent Day”, in order to offset the coming chills of winter. What stinks up a kitchen worst — boiled cabbage? lamb? garlic? onion?
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1895 [105] 1st ‘X-ray’ by German physicist Wilhelm Roentgen, who first saw the bones of his hand as he waved it between a radiation source and a fluorescent screen
1910 [90] 1st ‘insect electrocutor’ (better known as the ‘bug zapper’)
1965 [35] 1st episode of daytime TV soap “Days Of Our Lives”
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1970 [30] New Orleans Saints Tom Dempsey (born without a right hand and only half his kicking foot) boots NFL-record 63-yard field goal vs Detroit (tied in 1998 by Denver’s Jason Elam)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Chaos Never Dies Day
[Fri] Lung Cancer Awareness Day
[Sat] Remembrance Day
Pursuit of Happiness Week
Alzheimer’s Disease Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Irish author Bram Stoker was born 153 years ago TODAY (1847). He published “Dracula”, the prototype of most vampire tales, in 1897. What real-life Transylvanian ruler was the character based on — Vlad the Impaler, Peter the Incisor, or Ivan the Terrible?
A: Vlad the Impaler.
Q: What sport was the ‘button-down collar’ invented for?
A: Button-down collars were invented by polo teams in England, to prevent their collar points from flapping in their faces during vigorous riding.
BS TAG LINE:
“Adults are obsolete children.” – Dr Seuss