Thursday, October 16, 2003                Edition: #2645
Either Sheet or Get Off the Air!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT “X-Men” star Hugh Jackman (‘Wolverine’) makes his Broadway debut playing late singer-entertainer Peter Allen as the new musical, “The Boy From Oz”, officially opens . . . TONIGHT a gathering at London’s White Cube Gallery celebrates late Clash frontman Joe
Strummer and the release of his last album, “Streetcore” . . . Wrinkle rockers AC/DC have sold out a one-off OCTOBER 21st London concert – in 4 minutes! . . . Brit actress Elizabeth Hurley & her millionaire lover Arun Nayar are reportedly planning to wed – twice, once in England and once in his native India (uh, shouldn’t he get a divorce first?) . . . 22-year-old tennis babe Anna Kournikova (now ranked 89th) is considering retirement from the game due to ongoing back problems, and want to develop a new career in TV acting . . . Ozzy Osbourne has been forced to cancel tour commitments while he undergoes treatment for a nervous tremor, which has tested negative for Parkinson’s disease but so far remains undiagnosed . . . Sounds like another celeb breakup in the making – 50 Cent & “Kill Bill” actress Vivica A Fox could be on the rocks, he reportedly telling pals he’s getting sick of her jealousy . . . And Joe Simpson, father of “Newlyweds” star Jessica Simpson, says his daughter isn’t really dumb, she has similar comedic talents to Lucille Ball (yeah, Lucille Ball – now).

UPCOMING MOVIES:
Jim Carrey is lined up to star in “The Hypnotist”, a romantic comedy about a world-renowned hypnotist who has to fall in love with a girl in order to get his powers back . . . Steve Martin is reportedly the top pick to play ‘Inspector Jacques Clouseau’ in a remake of 1964’s “The Pink Panther” . . . “Sixth Sense” director M Night Shyamalan is in talks to direct a bigscreen version of Canadian author Yan Martel’s Booker Prize-winning novel, “Life of Pi” . . . Word is Angelina Jolie has moved from the Moroccan hotel near the movie set of “Alexander the Great” because she’s disgusted at the antics of co-star Colin Farrell, who seems to have a penchant for dropping his pants during drinking binges . . . Joaquin Phoenix &  Reese Witherspoon will star as Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash in the upcoming biopic “Walk The Line” . . . Reese Witherspoon will also produce and star in a remake of Otto Preminger’s 1965 drama “Bunny Lake Is Missing”, about a mother who’s sanity is questioned after police find no trace that her missing daughter ever existed . . . Disney’s first dramatic feature created exclusively for the giant IMAX screen is a prequel to 1979’s “The Black Stallion” called “Young Black Stallion” (wasn’t that a porn film once?).

NEW FROM THE EVIL EMPIRE:
A new version of Microsoft’s Outlook e-mail program will be available at the end of THIS MONTH with the release of “Microsoft Office 2003″. The company says aggressive new security features will make it more difficult for spammers and scammers to invade users’ computers through e-mail. It will also include additional ways to block spam and other unwanted e-mail. (But, as with all Microsoft products, we’re betting it refuses to cooperate with anything that’s not in the Microsoft family.)

MOTHER OF ALL MUSICALS:
A clapping chorus line of swaying nuns and a rock ‘n roll Mother Teresa have taken Rome by storm THIS WEEK in a musical to coincide with her beatification, the last step before sainthood. The arrival of “Mother Teresa the Musical” is one of a series of events being held ahead of her beatification by Pope JP2 on SUNDAY, 6 years after she died. To a series of reggae, funk and pop tunes, the show focuses on the 5 decades Mother Teresa spent caring for slum-dwellers in Calcutta, for which she was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979.

FALL FAIR FOOD:
A couple of new cholesterol-filled treats spotted at the Arizona State Fair …
• ‘Deep-Fried Cheeseburger’ – Ground beef wrapped around a stick, then wrapped in cheese, coated in batter and deep-fried.
• ‘Kaktus Kutter’ – A chunk of hot pepper cheese stuffed inside a green chili, then wrapped in roast beef, turkey or ham. The whole thing is batter-dipped and deep-fried.

WHERE’D YOU GET THE CORNY OUTFIT?
The National Renewable Energy Lab and DuPont Chemicals have teamed to develop a ‘bio-refinery’ that manufactures fabric – from corn. ‘Sorona’ is designed to be used in swimsuits, negligees, carpets and upholstery. A micro-organism is used to ferment sugars from entire corn plants which are then used to replace petroleum in the product. The fabric is said to be soft, comfortable, and easy to care for. (Comes in small, medium, and ‘husky’.)

THE MANY BENEFITS OF SEX:
A review of scientific studies from around-the-world for “Forbes” magazine finds there are many other benefits to sex besides the fact that it feels good. Among them –
• Improved sense of smell.
• Reduced risk of heart disease.
• Weight loss, overall fitness.
• Reduced depression.
• Pain relief.
• Less frequent colds and flu.
• Better bladder control.
• Reduced chances of prostate cancer.

BOY, AM I HUNGRY!
Women pregnant with boys tend to eat 10% more calories a day than those carrying girls. But a new study published in the “British Medical Journal” suggests that the amount of weight those mothers gain during pregnancy doesn’t differ significantly. Why? There may be a chemical communication between mother and fetus so males can grow faster than females. (“Urgent! Urgent! Send more ice cream and pickles down the tube!”)

LOST MALE:
In his new book, “Adam’s Curse: A Future Without Men”, Oxford University genetics professor Bryan Sykes predicts that the Y (male) chromosome is doomed and will be so damaged within another 5,000 generations, it will become extinct and no more males will be born. Women, he says, can look forward to plum jobs, tax-deductible child care, global peace, and – clean bathrooms!

BEST CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES:
Based on a new online survey of 26,400 university students on overall quality of education –
1. Trent University (Peterborough ON)
2. Brock University (St Catharines ON)
3. University of Guelph (Guelph ON)
4. Sherbrooke University (Sherbrooke QC)
5. Queen’s University (Kingston ON)
6. University of Western Ontario (London ON)
7. Wilfrid Laurier University (Waterloo ON)
8. McMaster University (Hamilton ON)
9. Lethbridge University (Lethbridge AB)
10. University of Waterloo (Waterloo ON)
Source: UThink Strategic Counsel poll.

AMERICA’S MOST DANGEROUS JOBS:
1. Logger
2. Fisher
3. Commercial Pilot or Navigator
4. Structural Metal Worker
5. Delivery Driver
6. Roofer
7. Electrical Installer
8. Farmer
9. Construction Laborer
10. Trucker
Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics

AND WE QUOTE:
“I always carry myself like a lady. I don’t feel like I ever do anything raunchy.” – Beyonce Knowles telling London’s “Sun” she has no problem shaking her booty in hot pants but would never, ever kiss a woman like Madonna and Britney Spears.

THE BULL SHEET 10.16.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [78] Angela Lansbury, London UK, movie actress (“Beauty & the Beast”)/TV actress (“Murder, She Wrote” 1984-96)/Broadway actress (5-time Tony Award winner)

1941 [62] Tim McCarver, Memphis TN, FOX-TV Major League Baseball analyst (Boston Vs NY ALCS)/ex-MLB catcher (played in the ‘50s, ‘60s, ‘70s & ‘80s)

1958 [45] Tim Robbins, West Covina CA, movie actor (“Mystic River”, “The Shawshank Redemption”, “Bull Durham“)/movie director (“Dead Man Walking”)/Susan Sarandon’s partner since 1988

1962 [41] Flea (Michael Balzary), Melbourne AUS, rock guitarist (Red Hot Chili Peppers-“Can’t Stop”, ”Californication”) who got his nickname because he shaved his head in high school, making him ‘bald as a flea’

1974 [29] Paul Kariya, Vancouver BC, NHL winger (Colorado Avalanche, ex-Anaheim Mighty Ducks)

1977 [26] John Mayer, Bridgeport CT, pop singer/songwriter (“Bigger Than My Body”, 2003  Grammy Award-“Your Body Is A Wonderland”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[UN] “World Food Day”

TODAY is “School Librarian Day” but don’t say anything about it too loud or you’ll get a detention.

TODAY is “Dictionary Day,” celebrating the 1758 birth of Noah Webster, one of the most famous of lexicographers, who 1st published “Webster’s Dictionary” in 1828.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1846 [157] 1st public demonstration of ‘surgical anesthesia’ (early anesthetics included ether, hashish, opium and alcohol)

1916 [87] 1st ‘birth control clinic’ in America is opened by Margaret Sanger in Brooklyn NY

1921 [82] 1st (and only) mid-game NFL coaching change (Rock Island Independents fire Frank Coughlin at half-time)

1978 [25] Cardinal Karol Wojtyla of Poland gets a new job as ‘Pope John Paul II’ (even though he’s 83, he has 20 years to go to surpass the oldest Pope – his name was St Agathon and he died in the year 681 at age 103!)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1968 [35] Toronto Maple Leaf Jim Dorey sets 2 NHL penalty records (48 minutes in a game, 44 minutes in a period)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Gaudy Day
[Sat] No Beard Day
[Sun] Evaluate Your Life Day
[Mon] Gemini Awards
This Week Is . . . Veterinary Week
This Month Is . . . National Sarcastics Month (‘cause they’re such special people, aren’t they?)

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit when you see someone with their mouth open singing or yelling, you don’t yawn … but always do if they’re yawning?
• Whyzit a ringing telephone takes precedence over everything else in the known universe?
• Whyzit if you read a lot of books you are considered ‘well read’, but if you watch a lot of TV you’re not considered ‘well viewed’?
• Whyzit whenever you tell somebody you lost something, they immediately ask where?
• Whyzit whenever you run into a man who smiles a lot, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work?

BS QUICK-PICK QUIZ:
• Why do stars twinkle at night?
a) The light rays are slightly jostled by layers of air in the atmosphere. [CORRECT]
b) They don’t, it’s just high cloud making them appear to flicker on and off.
c) ‘Cause you can’t see ‘em in the daytime, dummy!

• Why isn’t comfortable room temperature the same as our body temperature?
a) Your body temp IS the same … on the inside.
b) Because you’ve got clothes on. [CORRECT]
c) It’s all due to body gas build-up.

• How come so many Irish names have ‘O’ in front of them?
a) In original Irish dialects, it meant ‘grandson of’. [CORRECT]
b) Ancient inbreeding led to a lot of people with the same name.
c) It’s the easiest letter to say when you’ve been drinking.

BS PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the best movie ending ever?” (According to a new Diet Coke poll, it’s the ending of “Titanic” when Kate Winslet throws a locket into the sea and mercifully dies.)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Today on “Springer”, a truly alternative lifestyle – a married couple with two children who are happy and don’t have any problems.
• Thanks for being on the show. We have a lovely parting gift for you. It’s a comb.
• Sure sign it’s going to be a really cold winter – spiders trying to get into your house … using a battering ram.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The Czechs do this almost twice as much as Canadians.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Drink beer.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The beginning is always today.