BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
The 3-week-old “Jay Leno Show” (NBC) has finished in last place every night in its time slot, and Monday it attracted a lowest-yet 4.5 million viewers (overall the show is down 25% from the dramas NBC-TV aired in the same hour last year – several of which were cancelled) . . . 57-year-old wacko movie actor Mickey Rourke (“The Wrestler”) says he’s barely missed a single therapy session in over a decade, and that takes willpower (yeah, but when will it start to work?) . . . Music mogul Simon Cowell has been given a total of 179 mirrors by family & friends for his 50th birthday (yesterday), according to a UK tabloid (the “Daily Mirror” of course!) . . . The owners of Kevin Federline’s former Tarzana CA rental home are steamed he moved out in May and left the property in disarray so they’re threatening to sue if he doesn’t pay over $110,000 he allegedly owes for repairs & unpaid rent (time to call ‘mommy’ about your allowance) . . . Hollywood cosmetic surgeon Dr Robert Rey (“Dr 90210”) says 40-year-old Aussie actor Hugh Jackman has overtaken Brad Pitt as the star most men wish to look like, thanks to his abs and nose (Jack Black still leads in back hair) . . . And a spokesperson for 41-year-old Lisa-Marie Presley is denying reports that her soon-to-be-17-year-old son Benjamin has landed a 5-album record deal worth $5 million, saying ‘he’s a student right now’ (BS translation: If I can’t have a hit record trading off my old man’s name neither can you, sonny).

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Jay Leno Show” (NBC/CityTV) – Ben Harper & Jack Black collaborate.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Motorhead (“Motorizer”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Bat For Lashes (“Two Suns”).
• New Zealand Music Awards (Auckland) – Ladyhawke and Midnight Youth lead nominations (6 apiece) for the awards affectionately known as ‘The Tuis’ after the trophy presented to winners. 1960s act Ray Columbus & The Invaders are awarded this year’s ‘Legacy Award’.
• “The Office” (NBC/Global) – The staff travels to Niagara Falls to celebrate the wedding of ‘Jim & Pam’. ‘Michael’, ‘Dwight’, and ‘Andy’ try to hook up with wedding guests, including twins.
• “Survivor: Samoa” (CBS) – A tribe member makes a stunning revelation; Russell considers outing one of his allies.
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Kelly Clarkson (“All I Ever Wanted”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Backstreet Boys – Brian Litrell has been diagnosed with H1N1 swine flu. The other 3 members, Nick Carter, Howie Dorough and AJ McLean, have seen a doctor and are not showing any symptoms.
• Chris Brown – He’s planning to stage a small tour (15-to-20 dates) in small venues (under 4,000 seats). He says it will be a ‘fan appreciation tour’. (Better look for even smaller venues.)
• KISS – Original drummer Peter Criss has announced on his website that he was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. You read that right … men can get it just like women. Fortunately, early detection led to successful treatment. (This is “Breast Cancer Awareness Month”.)
• Mariah Carey – The 40-year-old says she avoids being mobbed by fans when she ventures out for walks by cross-dressing as a man, wearing 29-year-old husband Nick Cannon’s clothes.
• The Police – In contrast to the sugar-coated memoirs written by band members, British writer Chris Campion’s new book “Walking On the Moon: The Untold Story Of the Police & The Rise of New Wave Rock” promises the ‘full, unvarnished tale’ of the legendary rock group.
• Radiohead – Thom Yorke is planning more concerts with his new unnamed side band that includes Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea after positive reaction to their initial shows. No need to line up for tickets yet … the group likely won’t reform until next year.
• Tracy Lawrence – He’s heading to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to perform for US troops.
• Zac Brown Band – Instead of backstage ‘meet-and-greets’, 24 fans at each of their shows can buy a $35-ticket for an ‘eat-and-greet’, where they not only meet the bad but are treated to Southern cooking prepared by food connoisseur Zac and a chef.

WAYS TO GET A PERFECT NIGHT’S SLEEP:
• WAKE AT THE SAME TIME EVERY DAY: A good night’s sleep actually starts in the morning. The second your eyes flutter open, light shoots down the optic nerve and into the brain’s biological clock. There it stimulates the production of hormones that regulate growth, reproduction, eating, thinking, remembering, and how you feel.
• HIT THE SACK ONLY WHEN SLEEPY: No, not just tired. Sleepy, as in your eyes are droopy and you keep losing track of what people are saying to you.
• GET UP: Don’t stay in bed when you’re awake. A part of your mind will begin to associate bed with being awake rather than being asleep. And that can turn on a nasty “I can’t sleep!” anxiety that will rev your engines whenever you get into bed. It’s one of the most potent causes of chronic insomnia.
• GIVE YOURSELF AN HOUR TO UNWIND: The one right before bed. According to a National Sleep Foundation poll, during the hour before bed 60% of us do household chores, 37% take care of kids, 36% do family other activities, 36% are on the Internet, and 21% do work related to our jobs.
5. BEWARE SUNDAY NIGHT INSOMNIA: Staying up late on Friday & Saturday nights and sleeping in on Saturday & Sunday mornings may be your weekend treat but it’s enough to screw up your biological clock. Even if you get to bed early on Sunday night, you will not be ready to sleep, and you will not be the happy camper you were expecting Monday morning.
– BestHealthMag.ca

THEY’RE NOT LOVIN’ IT:
Parisians are up in arms after learning – quelle horreur! – the Louvre Museum, home of the “Mona Lisa”, will also be home to Ronald McDonald. One art historian sniffed that the fast-food chain’s new branch in the museum represents ‘the pinnacle of exhausting consumerism, deficient gastronomy and very unpleasant odors’. (At least they’ll be serving ‘french fries’.)
– NYPost.com

TERRORISTS LEADERS SAY UP YOURS:
Al-Qaeda has made a horrifying – if bizarre – advance in terrorist tradecraft. The suicide bomber who tried unsuccessfully to blow up Saudi Arabia’s counterterrorism chief in August had the explosives inside his body. It’s possible the bomb, made from materials that wouldn’t set off metal detectors, was swallowed or stitched into him somehow, but according to one Saudi official, the explosives had been inserted in the terrorist’s rectum. (Rectum? Damn near killed him!)
– Newsweek.com

HOW TO PICK UP WOMEN:
A recent study on how to ‘pull’ at a bar has come up with this ‘to do’ list of successful pick-up artists …
• Frequent, direct glances at the woman.
• ‘Space maximization’ movements (ie: spreading out arms). It signals dominance.
• Several location changes inside the venue. Women like ‘masculine’ walks.
• Non-reciprocated touch with other men. Also signals dominance.
• Primal instinct tells women that men who are unlikely to provide them with robust offspring smell foul.
(So, in short, remember to dart around like a bug-eyed, ADHD-afflicted gorilla who’s constantly pawing his buddies. But shower first, okay?)
– “Toronto Star”

SAVE THE PLANET, USE THE JOHN:
Japan’s All Nippon Airways (ANA) is asking passengers to relieve themselves before boarding, on the theory that they’ll be lighter. It hopes the reduced weight will save enough fuel to eliminate 5 tons of carbon emissions a month. (Not to mention 2 million cubic feet of methane gas.)
– DailyMail.co.uk

NATIONAL SYMBOL IN TROUBLE:
Australia’s koalas live in the rolling hills and flat plains where eucalyptus trees grow because they need the leaves for both food and water. But as people move in, koalas are finding themselves with fewer trees, and the stress is bringing out a latent disease virus that now infects up to 90% of the animals. According to researchers at the University of Queensland’s Koala Study Program, koala numbers are declining alarmingly. (At this rate QANTAS airline will soon need a new mascot.)
– AP

TWEETS FROM THE TWITTERVERSE:
A random sampling of recent musings from people in the music biz …
• Jason Mraz: “There are people who live 70 years, and there are those that live the same year 70 times.”
• Lady Gaga: “In studio writing music, already used up a whole can of hairspray. Feels like home.”
• Miley Cyrus: “I wonder if when ‘Sleeping Beauty’ wakes up she has morning breath …”
• Simon Cowell: “To be honest I still don’t really see the point in listing what you’re doing every single second of the day.”
• Taylor Swift: “I hate dreaming about boys because in the dream you like them again and everything is perfect. Then you wake up and everything isn’t so.”
– Condensed from Billboard.com.

BS AMAZING FACT:
University of Illinois research shows cheerleaders are injured less frequently than football players but they miss more games because … their injuries tend to be more severe. (Since when is pregnancy classified as an ‘injury’?)
– TheSportJournal.org

BS CHRONOMETER 10.08.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [66] Chevy (Cornelius Crane) Chase, Woodstock NY, TV actor (‘Pierce Hawthorne’ on “Community” 2009, original “Saturday Night Live” cast 1975-76)/movie actor (“Vacation” series)

1949 [60] Sigourney (Susan) Weaver, NYC, movie actress (“WALL-E”, “Alien” series)  COMING UP: Plays ‘Dr Grace Augustine’ in director James Cameron’s 3-D sci-fi epic “Avatar”, opening December 18th.

1968 [41] Emily Procter, Raleigh NC, TV actress (‘Calleigh Duquesne’ on “CSI: Miami” since 2002, “The West Wing” 2000-06)

1970 [39] Matt Damon, Cambridge MA, movie actor (“The Informant!”, ‘Jason Bourne’ films)/screenwriter (1998 Oscar-“Good Will Hunting”)  UPCOMING: The Clint Eastwood-directed Nelson Mandela film “Invictus” (December 11th); “The Bourne Legacy” (2011).

1980 [29] Nick Cannon, San Diego CA, TV personality (“America’s Got Talent” 2009)/movie actor (“Drumline”, “Roll Bounce”)/wed to singer Mariah Carey (2008)

1993 [16] Angus T Jones, Austin TX, TV actor (‘Jake Harper’ on sitcom “Two & A Half Men” since 2003)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Depression Screening Day”, an annual event held each October on the Thursday of “Mental Illness Awareness Week” when clinicians volunteer their time at health facilities, shopping malls, libraries, colleges, workplaces, and senior centers. In addition to obtaining a free depression screening, participants can find out where and how to access help, counseling, and treatment.

• “Touch Tag Day”, an annual salute to the schoolyard game that almost every kid has played in some version. The game that’s variously known as ‘Touch’, ‘Tag’, ‘It’, ‘Chasey’, and ‘Catching’ has been played by children for thousands of years, going back as far as Ancient Egypt. Best thing about it … the equipment is really cheap!

• “World Sight Day”, an international day of awareness, held annually on the 2nd Thursday of October to focus attention on the global issue of avoidable blindness and visual impairment. A few shocking facts …
– 90% of blind people live in low-income countries.
– 80% of blindness is avoidable … either treatable, curable, or preventable.
– Cataract is the leading cause of blindness yet it is curable by a simple, inexpensive operation.
NET: http://www.v2020.org/page.asp?section=0001000100070013

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2005 [04] Martha Stewart begins her prison sentence after being convicted of securities fraud, obstruction of justice, and conspiracy in the ImClone stock trading case

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1898 [111] McGill University beats Queen’s University 3-2 in the 1st Canadian Intercollegiate football game (wasn’t that their last win?)

1992 [17] Expansion team Ottawa Senators beat the Montréal Canadiens 5-3 in the Ottawa Civic Centre in the 1st regular season NHL game for a Senators team in 58 years

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] “Couples Retreat” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] World Post Day
[Sat] Universal Music Day
[Sun] National Coming Out Day
[Mon] Thanksgiving Day (no “BS” service)
This Week Is … Temp Help Week
This Month Is … Spectacle Of the Geese Month

BULL’S BITS

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MORE REAL BUT REALLY BIZARRE CRAIGSLIST ADS:
• “International ketchup packet collection. This is a collection of ketchup packets from around the world. Approximately 25 countries are represented here, including Japan, Finland, Estonia, Greenland, Brazil, and Portugal. Nine of the packets have been opened and they are labelled with their home country. Collection comes in decorative box with ducks on it.”
• “Need someone to hide Easter eggs in my apartment when im not home. I would like to find them myself on Sunday! I am willing to pay! Serious inquiries only!”
• “Duck mask. Full head rubber mask, old, has discoloration on white feather part from age, storage. Hey I got it on my big head, so it works that way.”
• “My teeth. I left my dentures in your Silverado last night. I gave you my number but did not get yours. Please call me ASAP. I need my teeth.”
• “Disgruntled American seeks Canadian for political asylum, maybe more. Are you a lonely, possibly desperate Canadian woman aged 18-50? Willing to take in an American who is fed up with his country? Maybe you’re a bit overweight or suffer from ‘Lifelong Ugly Duckling’ syndrome … I don’t care.”
– Telegraph.co.uk

BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the habit you’re proudest of breaking?

BRITISH TO NORTH AMERICAN DICTIONARY:
Have contestant try to come up with the translation …
• Waistcoat … Vest
• Vest … Undershirt
• Rubber … Eraser
• Knock You Up … Wake You up
• Pantechnicon … Moving Van
• Fresher … Freshman
• Dual Carriageway … Divided Highway
• Caravan … House Trailer
• Crisps … Potato Chips
• Chemist … Pharmacist
– Princess Cruises

BS RANDOM JOKE:
[Putdown] Maybe it was something your mother took during pregnancy …

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: A 25-year-old is far more likely to believe in THIS than a 75-year-old.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The existence of aliens.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The person with the least expertise has the most options.