BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
27-year-old famous person Nicole Richie & her 30-year-old rocker partner Joel Madden (Good Charlotte) have a new son, their 2nd child, who they’ve cruelly named ‘Sparrow’ (might as well hang a ‘Kick Me’ sign on him!) . . . Baby name expert Pamela Redmond Satran says giving babies bird names is getting hotter of late, because they’re seen as ‘light, uplifting, and positive’ (yeah, that seagull crap on the windshield is real ‘uplifting’, aint it?) . . . Movie actor Viggo Mortensen (“Eastern Promises”) is collecting photos of indigenous life, taken on disposable cameras by tribes-people in Paraguay, and plans to publish them in a new photo-book (isn’t this slave labor?) . . . Music mogul Simon Cowell says The Beatles would have failed auditions had they appeared on his UK singing competition “The X Factor” – unless they dumped the drummer (sue him, Ringo!) . . . 83-year-old “Playboy” founder Hugh Hefner has filed for divorce from his 47-year-old 2nd wife Kimberley Conrad 11 years after they split up, likely because she filed a $5-million lawsuit against him last month (to understand how ancient he is, consider this – he married first wife in 1949) . . . And Jermaine Jackson is now hinting the Jackson 5 (4?) may reunite for a surprise performance at the star-starved “Michael Jackson Tribute Concert” planned for Vienna, Austria September 26th (100 bucks says even they ditch him).

WEEKEND SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Canadian Country Music Awards” (CBC) – Sunday Jason Priestley hosts live from Vancouver. Performers include Aaron Pritchett, Doc Walker, Martina McBride, Reba McEntire, and Terri Clark. Johnny Reid leads nominations with 6, followed by George Canyon with 5.
• “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (ABC/CityTV) – Tonight The Used (“Artwork”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight George Jones (“A Collection Of My Best Recollection”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Tonight Kid Cudi (“Man On the Moon: The End of Day”).
• “Live With Regis & Kelly” (syndicated/CTV) – This morning Jewel (“Perfectly Clear”).
• “MTV Video Music Awards” (MTV) – Sunday live from NYC’s Radio City Music Hall. Janet Jackson opens the show with a tribute to brother Michael. Brit comedian Russell Brand hosts for the 2nd year in-a-row. Performers include Beyoncé, Green Day, Jay-Z, Lady Gaga, Muse, Pink, and Taylor Swift. Beyoncé and Lady Gaga lead nominations with 9 apiece.
• Rockwell Concert (London UK) – Tonight at O2 Arena, performers include Joss Stone, Razorlight, Robert Plant, and Tom Jones. All proceeds go to the Nordoff-Robbins Music Therapy charity.
• “Saturday Night Live” (NBC/Global) – Justin Timberlake hosts; musical guest Ciara.
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Tonight Chris Cornell (“Scream”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• The Beatles – 67-year-old Paul McCartney says he thinks the newly-released re-mastered Beatles tracks sound ‘shiny’. (Turn the hearing aid down, Mac.)
• Death Cab For Cutie – Singer/guitarist Ben Gibbard is set to wed actress Zooey Deschanel (“500 Days of Summer”) late this month in Seattle WA when she returns from a movie shoot in Northern Ireland. Meantime, the band’s new tune “Meet Me On the Equinox”, from the upcoming movie soundtrack of “The Twilight Saga: New Moon”, debuts during the “MTV Video Music Awards” on Sunday.
• Faith Hill – Her rendition of “Waiting All Day for Sunday Night” returns as the theme song for “NBC Sunday Night Football” for a 3rd year. It makes its season debut before Sunday’s Bears-Packers game.
• Jay-Z – Tonight he salutes 9/11 and celebrates the release of “The Blueprint 3” with a benefit concert at NYC’s Madison Square Garden. Proceeds go to the New York Police & Fire Widows’ & Children’s Benefit Fund.
• Neil Young – He’s pulled out of personally introducing his new concert movie, “Neil Young Trunk Show”, at the “Toronto International Film Festival” on Monday, with no reason given.
• Rihanna – Two female LAPD cops have been suspended after an investigation into the leak of the notorious photo her battered & bruised at the hands of Chris Brown. They face disciplinary action and a possible charge of ‘Identifying a Victim of Domestic Violence’ if their involvement in the leak is proven. (They ought to get a medal for saving her life.)
• 3 Doors Down – Saturday singer Brad Arnold weds fiancée Jennifer Sanderford. After the honeymoon, Arnold says 3DD will begin recording a follow-up to their 2008 self-titled album.
• U2 – Saturday the “U2360” tour North American leg kicks off at Chicago’s Soldier Field. The show features a 360-degree audience configuration and a cylindrical video screen.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “I Can Do Bad All By Myself” ( PG-13 Comedy ): Producer/director/writer/actor Tyler Perry’s latest has his pistol-packing grandma ‘Madea’ character delivering 3 young adults who tried to rob her home to their aunt (Taraji P Henson), a hard-living nightclub singer who doesn’t want the responsibility of parenting them. Singers Mary J Blige & Gladys Knight have small roles.
NET: http://www.icandobadmovie.com/#/home
• “Sorority Row” ( R-Rated Horror Thriller ): A group of sorority girls pledge to keep silent about the accidental death of one of their sisters. After graduation, however, they find themselves stalked by a serial killer who seems bent on eliminating anyone who knows the secret. Stars Briana Evigan, Rumer Willis (spawn of Bruce Willis & Demi Moore), and Carrie Fisher. Remake of “The House on Sorority Row” (1983).
NET: http://thetapi-ordie.com
• “Whiteout” ( R-Rated Crime Thriller ): Kate Beckinsale stars as a US Marshal at the McMurdo Station in Antarctica, looking to identify and capture a killer before the Sun sets for 6 months.
Co-stars Gabriel Macht and Tom Skerritt. The project was in development as far back as 2002, with Reese Witherspoon attached to star. Standing in for ‘the most isolated landmass on the planet’ … Manitoba and Québec.
NET: http://whiteoutmovie.warnerbros.com

STORE STUDY:
A business study co-authored by the University of Cincinnati & Georgia State University finds that a retail store’s background music should counteract its pace – slow music in busy stores, fast tunes in empty ones. Why? Crowded stores that play fast songs give the impression of being overcrowded and may make their customers feel rushed. Stores where business is slow need up-tempo music to give customers a more lively impression. (Ah! So that’s why they’re playing salsa down at the funeral home.)
– PA News

YOU COULDN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP:
• A British couple have invited friends & family to a 50th anniversary party … for their fridge. The couple from Coventry had banners made, wine & cheese, and even a birthday cake to mark the milestone. They bought the Prestcold appliance in 1959, 4 years after they got married. Other than replacing the thermostat 30 years ago, it’s been working perfectly ever since. (It’s so old when you open the door a candle lights up.)
– Telegraph.co.uk
• An uninvited visitor to an Australian household made himself at home … in the toilet. According to snake wrangler Chris Peberdy, a 10-foot-long python cruised around the house at night and returned to the toilet by day. He managed to evict the intruder from the house near Darwin and release it in the bush a mile away. Peberdy advises area residents to ‘Look before you sit’. (“Mommy, Mommy! Look what I made!”)
– NYPost.com
• A university in France is offering a credit course in ‘professional letter-writing’ because today’s generation is accustomed to writing only brief emails and text messages. (This term’s assignment is to construct an excruciatingly detailed ‘family letter’ in time for Christmas.)
– “Social Studies”

YUK YUKS ON-THE-JOB:
September is “Humor in Business Month.” So here are a few ‘Laughter Tips For the Workplace’, courtesy of professional ‘laughter therapist’ Enda Junkins …
• Laugh for 5 minutes in your car on the way to work.
• Develop a ritualized, playful way of turning on your computer.
• Give your projects comical names like ‘Quasimoto’ or ‘Thumper’.
• Have mindless toys on your desk and take short breaks to play with them.
• Laugh with your co-workers for a few minutes for no real reason at all.
• Under your clothes, wear a T-shirt with a saying that lightens you up.
• Wear funny underwear to counteract a serious day or meeting.
PHONER 970.325.0050 (Enda Junkins, Ouray CO)
NET: http://www.laughtertherapy.com

AND WE QUOTE:
“I’ve been dying to tell everyone. It’s just been so hard to keep it a secret and we just finally got the OK and I’m so excited. It is going to be so much fun.”
– Ellen DeGeneres, admitting she struggled to keep the news about her new gig as permanent 4th judge on “American Idol” under wraps.

BS CHRONOMETER 09.11.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1965 [44] Moby (Richard Melville Hall), NYC, techno/rock musician/producer (“18”, “South Side”)  FACTOID: His nickname is derived from his great-great granduncle Herman Melville, author of “Moby Dick”.

1967 [42] Harry Connick Jr, New Orleans LA, jazz/pop singer/composer (Grammy Awards-“When Harry Met Sally”, “We Are in Love”)/Broadway actor (“The Pajama Game”)/movie actor (“PS I Love You”, “Independence Day”)/TV actor (“Will & Grace” 2002-06)

1971 [38] Richard Ashcroft, Billinge Higher End UK, pop singer (The Verve-“Love Is Noise”, “Bitter Sweet Symphony”)

1977 [32] Jon Buckland, London UK, rock guitarist (Coldplay-“Viva La Vida”, “Clocks”)

1977 [32] Ludacris (Christopher Bridges), Champaign IL, rapper (f/Pharrell-“Money Maker”, f/Shawnna-“Stand Up”)/movie actor (“RocknRolla”, “Crash”)

1981 [28] Charles Kelley, Augusta GA, country singer (Lady Antebellum-“I Run to You”, “Love Don’t Live Here”)

SATURDAY –
Country music legend George Jones (“He Stopped Lovin’ Her Today”) is 78; Rock drummer Neil Peart (Rush) is 57; Movie actor Jason Statham (“The Transporter”) is 37; Movie actor Paul Walker (“Fast & Furious”) is 36; Country singer Jennifer Nettles (Sugarland) is 35; TV actor Benjamin McKenzie (“Southland”) is 31; Pop singer Ruben Studdard (“American Idol 2”) is 31; 7′-6” NBA star Yao Ming (Houston Rockets) is 29; Pop singer-actress Jennifer Hudson (“Dreamgirls”) is 28.

SUNDAY –
Rock singer-guitarist Dave Mustaine (Megadeth) is 48; Radio-TV personality Tavis Smiley (“The Tavis Smiley Show”) is 45; Rock drummer Steve Perkins (Jane’s Addiction) is 42; Fashion designer Stella McCartney is 38; Country guitarist Joe Don Rooney (Rascal Flatts) is 34; One-hit-wonder Fiona Apple (“Criminal”) is 32.

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Bald Is Beautiful Convention”, the 36th annual 5-day get-together of ‘chrome-domes’ in Morehead City SC, where they have ‘More-head and less hair!’ Their motto is, ‘If you don’t have it, flaunt it!’ Events include the ‘Bald Moonlight Dinner’, ‘Famous Bald Foursome of Golf’, and the ‘Bald Head Contest’, in which competitors face off in categories such as ‘Smoothest Head’ and ‘Most Kissable Head’.
PHONER: 252.726.1855 (John T Capps III)
• “Honey, I Want to Start My Own Business Day”. (Tomorrow is “Get a Grip, Dreamer! We Got a Whack of Bills to Pay Day”.)
• “9-1-1 Day”, saluting the direct-dial emergency system. (In the UK it’s 9-9-9. In Australia it’s 0-0-0, aka the ‘forget-it-I’m-already-dead-because-I-still-have-a-rotary-phone system’.)
• “9/11 Remembrance Day”. 8 years ago at 8:46 am EDT, terrorists began the attack on NYC’s World Trade Center using hijacked commercial airliners.
• “No News is Good News Day”, whose proponents claim if you don’t listen, read or watch any news for the day, you’ll feel better. (Annual observance by the ‘Head-In-the-Sand Association’.)
• “Tricky Handshake Day”. Remember they only count if you spit on your hand first!

SATURDAY –
• “Mushroom Day”, to honor the fungus among us. Which tastes best? Portobello? Truffle?
• “Popcorn Day”, celebrating the cheap treat that somehow costs 12 bucks in a movie theater.
• “Video Games Day”, a day for kids who love ’em to celebrate and thank the parents who fork out the cash for an X-Box, PlayStation, or Wii.

SUNDAY –
• “Computer Programmers Day”, honoring all the geeks who keep coming up with ever innovative ways of freezing up our laptops.
• “Fortune Cookie Day”, celebrating the creation of the tasty little treats with a slip of paper inside that brings good luck, a whimsical saying, or a philosophical thought. It’s clear that the fortune cookie did NOT originate in China; more likely invented in San Francisco CA around 1914.
• “Grandparents’ Day”, originated in 1978 to honor the folks who get to spoil our kids rotten without paying any consequences. Observed annually the 1st Sunday after Labor Day.
• “International Chocolate Day”, a day to indulge in everything chocolate-y without the guilt associated with the decadent treat. (Good enough excuse for ya?)
• “Peanut Day”, honoring the food favorite that’s not really a nut at all but a legume (an edible seed enclosed in a pod). What we’d like to know is why so many kids are allergic to them now. No one had even heard of peanut anaphylaxis 20 years ago.
• “Pet Memorial Day”, established by the International Association of Pet Cemeteries as an annual observance on the 2nd Sunday of September to bring closure to the departure of beloved pets by fondly remembering them. (We miss you, Molly … but not the hairballs.)
NET: http://tinyurl.com/y96gpr

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1966 [43] News magazine “W-Five” premieres on CTV (back when current contributor Lloyd Robertson was 32 … no BS!)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1996 [13] 1st recording by a major artist released exclusively on the Internet (David Bowie-“Telling Lies”)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1935 [74] 1st ‘Demolition Derby’, at Yonkers Raceway NY (now we call it ‘morning commute’)

1946 [63] 1st ‘Car-to-Car Phone Conversation’ (as 1st idiot driver weaves all over the road)

1999 [10] “Wall Street Journal” reports Bayer Corp will quit putting a wad of cotton in bottles of aspirin (don’t you hate it when you have a splitting headache and you have to go through a cardboard box, plastic safety ring, childproof cap, Styrofoam seal, and wad of cotton BEFORE you get to an actual painkiller?)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] Boss/Employee Exchange Day
[Mon] “Jay Leno Show” debuts (NBC)
[Tues] Make a Hat Day
[Tues] Hispanic Heritage Month begins
[Wed] Play Doh Day
[Wed] Working Parents Day
This Week Is … Emergency Preparedness Week
This Month Is … National Impotence Month

BULL’S BITS

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BS SIGNS YOUR HEALTHCARE PLAN IS NOT WORKING SO WELL:
• Your annual breast exam is now conducted at Hooters.
• The hospital tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
• The only proctologist covered by the plan is ‘Gus’ from Roto-Rooter.
• Your ‘Primary Care Physician’ is wearing the pants you donated to Value Village last month.
• The only expense covered 100% is ‘embalming’.
• Your Prozac now comes in different colors with little ‘M’s on them.
• The only item listed under ‘Preventive Care’ coverage is ‘an apple a day’.
• You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
– Abridged from Da Humorist Internet Archive.

BS PHONE STARTER:
It’s the ‘Play Your Appliances Game’. Phone contestants compete to play as many different household appliances as they can in 60 seconds. Most different noises wins!

BS RANDOM JOKE:
At school I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: There are about half as many of THESE today as there were in 1910.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Horses.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.