BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
• Actor James Michael Tyler, who played coffee shop worker ‘Gunther’ on the TV sitcom “Friends” (1994-2004) claims “Friends: The Movie” is definitely on. He says the hit series’ 6 core actors (Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Matt LeBlanc, and Matthew Perry ) are in negotiations to star in a film adaption that would hit theaters in Summer 2011. The show’s original creators, David Crane & Marta Kauffman, have reportedly been drafted to write and produce the movie. (“Old Friends” … sentimental or just plain sad?)
– “News Of the World”
• 76-year-old filmmaker Roman Polanski (“The Pianist”, “Chinatown”) has been arrested in Switzerland, taken into custody Saturday on a 1978 US warrant that was issued after he pleaded guilty to unlawful relations with a 13-year-old girl. He fled to France before sentencing in 1978 and has been unable to travel to the US ever since. Polanski was in Switzerland to attend the “Zurich Film Festival” where he was due to receive a ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’ yesterday. (He sorta did anyway.)
– World Entertainment News Network
• Actress Jaime Pressly (“My Name Is Earl”) has wed her lawyer boyfriend Simran Singh in a sunset ceremony in Malibu, California on Saturday. The ceremony at an estate overlooking the Pacific Ocean was attended by friends & family, including the bride’s 2-year-old son Dezi. Singh proposed in July, just 8 months after she split from the birth father of her son, Eric Cubiche. (Now the kid will be named Dezi Singh? “No, but he dances really good!”)
– People.com.
• Brit actor Jude Law is now refusing to see his newborn daughter until a DNA test proves he’s the verified father. Model Samantha Burke gave birth to baby Sophia last Tuesday after a brief fling with the actor earlier this year while he was filming “Sherlock Holmes” in NYC. Law had previously vowed to man up and help raise the child but now he reportedly wants proof he fathered her. Until he is 100% certain, he’s only communicating through lawyers. (Maybe he should also do that before ‘dates’.)
– ContactMusic.com

TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Dancing With the Stars” (ABC/CTV) – Movie director Baz Luhrmann serves as a guest judge.
• “Jay Leno Show” (NBC/CityTV) – Brad Paisley (“American Saturday Night”); Sheryl Crow (“Detours”).
• “Last Call With Carson Daly” (NBC) – Metric (“Live It Out”).
• “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” (NBC/A Channel) – The Dirty Projectors (“Bitte Orca”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – The Avett Bros (“Emotionalism”).
• “Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” (NBC/A Channel) – Paramore (“Riot!”).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Michael Jackson – Remember the rumor he was working on creating a new dance move before his death, something to rival the ‘Moon Walk’? A clip from the upcoming “This Is It” concert film is circulating, suggesting the big move was to be called ‘The Penguin’.
NET: http://bit.ly/chfpp
• Van Halen – 3 men have been arrested for allegedly stealing a shipment of musical instruments, including a $25,000 Eddie Van Halen replica guitar from NYC’s American Musical Supply. Seems it was an inside job – one of the arrested is a shipping supervisor with the company. All 3 are due in court Tuesday.

I’M GONNA LIVE FOREVER!
Renowned NYC scientist & futurist Ray Kurzweil believes that humans could become immortal in as little as 20 years’ time through nanotechnology and an increased understanding of how the body works. Although his claims may seem far-fetched, Kurzweil notes that artificial pancreases and neural implants are already available. He thinks it’s entirely likely that in about 2 decades we will have the means to reprogram our bodies’ software so we can halt, then reverse, aging. Hypothetically, he claims, nanotechnology should let us live forever. (You’ll have built up 54 weeks vacation-a-year by 2137.)
– “The Sun”

REAL BUT REALLY BIZARRE CRAIGLIST ADS:
• “I want some orange juice. I’ll give you $2 plus cost if you’ll deliver me some orange juice with receipt. I’m too lazy to get it myself. Thank you.”
• “Seeking adult drunk clown for 30th birthday party. We need an adult drunk clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a s—load.”
• “Woman to sit in my bathtub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit. I will pay you $1 to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one-piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this. I will leave the key for you and you will sit at your leisure. Do not bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner.”
• “Pope hats. Because of this terrible economy, I’m having to shut down my business. I have over 1,300 pope hats (replicas) that I really need to get rid of. The pope hats came from China and are a little too small for most adult heads and are also irritating to the skin, so you would need to have long hair or wear a smaller hat underneath (just like the real pope).”
• “Looking for bridesmaids. So, my fiancee and I are getting married in June. He has 8 groomsmen lined up and I only have 1 bridesmaid. So, I need some girls who are attractive and around my age to stand up in my wedding. You have to be hot but not hotter then me.”
• “Personal texting assistant. I get 40-to-50 texts an hour. I cant handle my workload plus texting responsibilities. My phone gets too full and needs to be deleted every couple hours. This is a full-time position and you must be where ever I am at, because my phone is always with me.”
– Telegraph.co.uk

ONE PERSON’S TRASH …
A recent survey reveals that 49% of respondents have rooted through the garbage to make sure something of theirs wasn’t thrown away. 27% have retrieved something from the trash that a family member threw away. And 6% admit to taking something from a neighbor’s or stranger’s trash. (So what does your mate own that you’d like to toss?)
– UPI

SELF-HEALING CEMENT:
University of Michigan engineer Victor Li has invented a new type of concrete that can repair itself. Regular concrete has a tendency to crack, typically due to heavy loads or weather-related erosion. Once it begins to crack, the cracks can widen fairly quickly, leading the entire structure to deteriorate. Li’s self-healing concrete is less brittle and thus more flexible. If and when hairline cracks eventually occur, dry concrete is exposed to the moisture in the air. As it becomes hydrated it ‘grows’ new concrete, filling in the super-tight cracks. (The horror movie is coming.)
– “Forbes Magazine”

BS SOCIAL STUDIES:
• It’s official, the meek do not inherit the babes. A Finnish study has found that the 259 men who had never married out of a sample of 3,500 surveyed were shorter, lighter, and thinner than ‘normal’ guys at age 15. (Once a dweeb …)
• A researcher interviewing movie-goers as they exited theaters has found that those who’d viewed a happy movie were more positive about their marriages than those who had just watched a tear-jerker. (For the sake of your marriage – no chick flicks!)
• Seems bullies like to stick together. According to a study by psychologist Dorothy Espelage of the University of Illinois, 75% of bullies say their best buds are … other bullies. (So that’s why radio station GMs hang out together!)
• Annoyed with your mate? Marriage and family expert Dr Paul Coleman says you should envision your partner ‘wrapped in a white light’ when you’re feeling critical in order to help stifle your petty irritations. (If you’re really steamed, try picturing them wrapped in a white sheet.)

DID YOU KNOW?
• Banana skins can take 2 years to biodegrade.
• The longest speech at the United Nations lasted almost 8 hours.
– “Magazine Monitor”
• Pandas chirp during mating and honk in distress. A bark is used to scare an enemy.
• Sweden is the only country in Europe which allows marriage between siblings that share one parent.
– PopBitch.com

BS CHRONOMETER 09.28.09

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TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [75] Brigitte Bardot, Paris, France, former movie actress (“And God Created Woman”)/animal activist

1964 [45] Janeane Garofalo, Newton NJ, TV actress (‘Janis Gold’ on “24” 2009, “The West Wing” 2005-06)/movie actress (“Ratatouille”, “The Wild”)

1967 [42] Mira Sorvino, Tenafly NJ, movie actress (“The Last Templar”, 1996 Oscar-“Mighty Aphrodite”)

1968 [41] Naomi Watts, Shoreham UK (raised Australia), movie actress (“The Ring” movies, “King Kong”)

1977 [32] Young Jeezy (Jay Jenkins), Columbia SC, rapper (f/Akon-“Soul Survivor”, w/Usher-“Love In this Club”)

1978 [31] Peter Cambor, Houston TX, TV actor (‘Nate Getz’ on “NCIS: Los Angeles” 2009)

1984 [25] Melody Thornton, Phoenix AZ, pop singer/dancer (Pussycat Dolls-“Jai Ho!”, “Don’t Cha”)

1987 [22] Hilary Duff, Houston TX, pop singer (“With Love”, “Come Clean”)/movie actress (“Material Girls”, “Cheaper by the Dozen” films)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Ask a Stupid Question Day”, created by some unknown keener who decided that ‘asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake’. It’s a good excuse to pose perplexing questions like …
• Why do women open their mouths when applying mascara?
• When an agnostic dies, does he go to the ‘great perhaps’?
• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• “Family Day to Eat Dinner With Your Kids”, when you’re encouraged to actually eat a sit-down dinner with your children. What, people only do this once-a-year nowadays?
NET: http://www.casafamilyday.org

• “Teacher’s Day” in Taiwan and Chinese communities worldwide, celebrating the birth date of  the most venerated of all teachers, Confucius (Kung-futzu), born in 551 BC. You might remember him as the great philosopher who never said …
• “Man who put head in fruit drink get punch in nose.”
• “Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.”
• “A wise man makes sure wife’s birthday cake is short one candle. “
• “Man who fight with spouse all day get no piece at night.”
• “Man who keeps nose to grindstone has sharp boogers.”

• “Yom Kippur” or “Day of Atonement” ends at nightfall, the Jewish ‘high holiday’ that focuses on self-examination and commitment to become a better person.
NET: http://www.answers.com/topic/yom-kippur

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1997 [12] The ‘DVD’ format is unveiled at the 103rd convention of the Audio Engineering Society in NYC (thereby turning your VCR into a $300 doorstop)

2006 [03] The Salma Hayek-produced TV comedy “Ugly Betty” premieres (ABC) and becomes an immediate hit

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1991 [18] Garth Brooks’ “Ropin’ the Wind” album debuts at #1 on both country & pop charts

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1995 [14] 1st MLB pitcher to pitch with both hands (not at the same time) as Montréal Expo Greg Harris faces 4 Cincinnati batters, throwing to 2 of them right-handed and 2 left-handed

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1919 [90] Quickest-ever Major League Baseball game as Giants beat Phillies 6-1 in just 51 minutes

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Veterans of Foreign Wars Day
[Wed] Women’s Health & Fitness Day
[Thurs] China’s 60th Anniversary Celebration
[Thurs] Vancouver International Film Festival begins
[Thurs] International Day of Older Persons
[Thurs] World Vegetarian Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Banned Books Week / Chimney Safety Week / No Salt Week / Universal Children’s Week

BULL’S BITS

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BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY:
• Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
• Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several adult movies hidden there. Ugly: You’re in them.
• Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
• Good: Your son’s finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
• Good: You give the ‘birds and bees’ talk to your daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
NET: http://www.FreeRadioPrep.com

BS ‘WOULD YOU RATHER?‘
• Go to the dentist or the doctor?
• Have a kid that’s much smarter or one that’s much better-looking than you?
• Cut grass or rake leaves?
• Have many friends or one good friend?
• Eat an entire bar of chocolate in one sitting or separate it into separate pieces to enjoy throughout the day?
• Be alone during spare time or with a group?
• Make decisions slowly or quickly?
• Be a leader or follower?

BS PHONE STARTER:
If you could only have one snack food for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

NAME THAT NOISE:
Have your intern hit the streets with a recorder, collecting sounds from various spots. Play ’em back on-air and ask listeners to identify where the local sounds come from.

BS RANDOM JOKE:
A smile might improve your face value … but a bag over your head is priceless!

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a recent survey, THIS is the single most annoying thing your spouse can say at the beginning of a phone call.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: “Where are you?!??!”

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.